Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Seem to have ran into a bit of resistance at the moment. For the last week I haven't really gotten any work accomplished. Sure, I studied for one test but haven't gotten around to actually taking it when I should. I literally only have a few classes left before this is all done with. It seems because of that that a part of me is resisting hardcore now. I had no idea until now though. Woke up very early this morning and then it came to me. The last time I was out on my own a whole bunch of stuff happened, which I've mentioned in the past, and I ended up being traumatized. I've come to the belief that this is another reason why it is fighting so hard is that it believes there is going to be a repeat of what happened. Doesn't help that my mother was one of those people who treated us badly yet with me she tried to make me as dependent on her as possible. I don't think I have to worry about that last part because I think I have outgrown that and the subtle ways she tries to control are more irritating.

I've noticed , especially on LTU, that I have grown enough that she backs off from any very direct ways of manipulating. She has now every once in a while used more subtle ways (crying about be alone, etc). I'm obviously not falling for it. Its interesting ever since I've been growing on this sub its like whenever anyone uses manipulation tactics like that it has no affect on me and I actually end up just blowing the person off. I don't know, its like I have this feeling of subtle disgust for people who do that shit now. Anyway, back on topic I've decided to come up with something else to help deal with the resistance. I've simply gone to scheduling my tests hours in advance so I have no choice but to do them. Going to do one for today then another for tomorrow, possibly 2. At this point I refuse to allow the resistance to win. I do not want to put my life on hold or be stagnate anymore.

On another note, I am noticing certain thoughts of resistance as well. What I mean by that is that recently I was sitting in front of the computer and then kind of retreated into my mind thinking about what I just talked about. Out of no where it was like I was made aware of this "whisper" in my mind saying, "We will just listen to music all day if we have to to avoid this". I snapped out of that and just realized I think I just became aware of the part resisting's intentions. I've probably only been aware of this like once and this was while on MHS. Anyway, thought that was interesting and that I should report it.

That's about all for now. Hopefully this all goes well because I really want to get everything "settled" in April so I can get moving some where else.