Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, I've got a strange but interesting update.

I should first start off with one thing before I explain the strange experience I had. So far this sub has been way more effective on the fighting watching porn front than DMSI was. On DMSI, yes I watched porn less but it felt like it was a constantly struggle and the urge was constantly there. It didn't feel as "natural". It felt like the main cause wasn't sufficiently being dealt with but being majorly repressed. So this actually caused more resistance in response. With LTU, I was still watching it at the beginning but slowly, over time I got less and less interested in it. I got less and less fulfillment from watching it. It finally got to the point that I would pick up my tablet to start and then even when I saw a naked women I would ask myself "Why am I even doing this), have a instant lost in desire/interest, and then put down the tablet before even pressing play.

Now on to my strange experience from last night. I think I might have actually experience the multiple levels of the subconscious that Shannon has talked about before though it did focus in on mostly one level (not sure which one). I have noticed at times that I have gone into this sort of daze. I believe this daze I am referring to is a lucid level of awareness that I heard makes you go into a delta, I believe, level of consciousness. Its usually experienced for a small period right before you go to sleep. Last night was probably the one where I actually remember the most from being in that daze. It was weird, it was like my eyes were slightly open but I wasn't paying attention to anything I was seeing. I did "feel" voices. The reason I use that word is because it wasn't like normal talking. It felt like I had to "interpret" feelings that were being sent back and forth.

I did notice out of the "feelings" that there was one in particular that was being focused on. It is strange to explain and hard to remember but it seemed like there was slight images floating across my eyes in regards to what was being worked on. I know some psychologist say that if there are deep parts of the minds they some time use symbols and archetypes to recognize things. During this as well I get this feeling in my head like something is being rewired. This all goes on for a while then I close my eyes then open them fully awake and in a sort of shock. Literally saying to myself "what was that"? Then its like when I search my mind for an answer I instantly get the idea of it having to dealt with the porn issue. Like, it fully dealt  blow to the desire to watch even more. Anyway, I believe I have had times like this before but I don't remember anything and instead of waking up right away I go from that state to sleep.

Either way we will see if this porn issue has been dealt with even more in the next few days. Last night was the last day of my current cycle of this sub. As for other things while this issue has been worked on I'm still getting this instance of laziness at times with regard to my work. Looks like this part is resisting again in that for the last few days I've done nothing but consume YouTube videos all day long. Hopefully with this situation dealt with my focus will shit back to work. I have decide more than likely if I can I will try to get a teaching Job in Dubai or Saudi Arabia before South Korea. Will see how that goes. In order for that to happen I will need to take the teacher licenses test for either Oregon or Massachusetts then I will at least have a first stage license that will check that off for most employers.

I'm highly considering those places due to the higher pay check and as far as sociability or partying I really don't need that type of stuff. I mainly just want to save money and get financially independent.  Another major thing I almost forgot is that my ability to feel sympathy has increased in ways. I already told you guys how I might pursue the doctor route not only for the good pay but also for the fact that I feel like doing something that might actually help people. Well, the other day (and hope this isn't cross some rule) I had to unsubscribe from a certain channel on YouTube. The guy had put up a report on the situation in another country about an instance of genocide. Problem was this guy literally while saying he didn't support either side he tried to give that supposed government credence in its supposed reasons for committing such things. Things which had the creator actually looked up he would have realized certain academics had debunked these myths twice.

I saw the comments that were less than flattering to say the lease, basically cheering on this genocide of a group, and I'm like "have we gotten to this point where people literally call for the death of large amounts of people and think nothing of it". Don't know why but I was shocked but then kind of broke down. This is very abnormal for me. I'm usually very close about my feelings but for some reason I just felt for this people's plight. I tell this story because it is interesting that on the one hand I don't mind expressing my feelings on this sort of thing to actually really emphasize with people but then when it comes to certain instances I generally don't care what people think or care for their opinions on me. Its like I'm calibrating myself to the right degree of when I should feeling certain emotions and to what extent without going overboard.

Either way, a lot of internal changes going on that I think are for the best anyway.