I saw darwins post about identity and fear and I noticed that a lot of what I believed was me, and in a way that was very ingrained in the way I behaved in life, was due to fear. Like a series of coping mechanisms that made me live life in autopilot, but as this fear is clearing, I see the shores of calmness, and on that beach, I think I will find who I am.
The person I have been around my parents, and this being the person that I identify maybe the strongest with, I also realize is based on fear. It's a very, very deep fear though. A fear based on that I need to be who I am to uphold the illusion they have created for themselves about who they and who I am. So I have gone through my life being the person they needed me to be when around, afraid of discovering who I really am and want to be underneath. I am feeling the pull of that person still when being around them, but I am more and more able to stand my ground and just _be_. You know I'm not even talking that much, just observing. And I am observing how much of the way my parents behave, in terms of social cues, that have decided who I was going to be. A lot of time I have been guided by just social cues, and followed them, out of fear of what would happen otherwise. That is at least my best analysis of the situation. I am intrigued to see how this will play out. I wonder who I can become when I no longer need to follow others expectations of me.
The person I have been around my parents, and this being the person that I identify maybe the strongest with, I also realize is based on fear. It's a very, very deep fear though. A fear based on that I need to be who I am to uphold the illusion they have created for themselves about who they and who I am. So I have gone through my life being the person they needed me to be when around, afraid of discovering who I really am and want to be underneath. I am feeling the pull of that person still when being around them, but I am more and more able to stand my ground and just _be_. You know I'm not even talking that much, just observing. And I am observing how much of the way my parents behave, in terms of social cues, that have decided who I was going to be. A lot of time I have been guided by just social cues, and followed them, out of fear of what would happen otherwise. That is at least my best analysis of the situation. I am intrigued to see how this will play out. I wonder who I can become when I no longer need to follow others expectations of me.
