02-17-2019, 03:29 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-17-2019, 05:34 AM by DarthXedonias.)
Eh, been a while. Originally I had a lot more to say but I think I will just narrow this all to two important points and just keep the rest to myself. I'm currently on break and actually will be moving on to LTU since given the circumstances I laid out I "need" to finish my online university program. I have literally been dragging my feet on this when it should have been done in like November or December. Also, since a new better version of LTU will be out I might as well hope on it now instead of waiting an additional week. With that said I think I have had 2 major insights. One due to DMSI I believe and another that I believe is TID from LTU.
The first is confirmation about a recurring theme I have kept having and I have gone back to before. I didn't know why this kept on coming up but now I think i know why now. It had to do with that dream I had mentioned where I would start walking in one direction to my goal or destination but then after a few steps I totally forget why I'm there or what I was doing. Rinse and repeat. I woke up one morning and had a flash of insight about this situation. For some reason I seem to get these flash of insights into what is happening internally after I wake up for some reason. In this one it seemed like all the pieces seemed to fall into place and I finally understood. I realized I had heard of this type of defense mechanism in Psychology before. Where someone has a traumatizing event happen that is so severe, usually at a young age, that they either pretend or actually fool themselves into believing that the event never happened. This is despite that traumatizing event affecting almost every area of their life.
It is so bad that even when a psychologist tries to help them deal with it they are so "afraid" of even remembering the event that they just won't even acknowledge the event happened no matter what the psychologist tries. I am pretty certain that is what is going on at the moment. There is something that was so traumatic or that I am so afraid of that I am willing to have complete amnesia whenever I get even close to whatever it is I fear. Obviously I was still able to get results on this version thing is though there still seems to be something that even my subconscious doesn't even want to deal with that it will go so far as to Truly believe such a thing happened or that such a fear exists. Anyway, that was the first revelation I had that confirmed something I had been thinking for a while.
The second thing I realize though was the degree of self sabotage the part resisting is willing to go through. I woke earlier this week and something really strange happened. I realized something in the back of my mind was on full blast. Essentially I could "feel" every thought the part resisting was having. Essentially, It was how it wanted to sabotage every plan I had laid out for the coming months when it came to succeeding at finishing my programs, leaving the US, and my plans with the girls. I don't know how but this all bled through into my conscious mind and I could hear these fear fueled feelings just wanting to sabotage everything possible. I could clearly tell this was out of fear of what it meant to succeed. This was quite the interesting experience I had where the part resisting was just on full display with no filter. (Edit) Forgot to mention that this whole thing I think is a response to TID. Over the last few days I have come up with some plans after asking what I really want to do with my life. One of which is after I am finish with my current degree I actually will be working on getting a software development degree so I can get high pay and also do work that I would actually find interesting. After I really thought about it I found that teaching English would just annoy and irritate me because I rather deal with things than people. Dealing with stupid people especially takes a lot of energy out of me.
I wonder if maybe even though what is happening internally is suppose to be hidden mostly from the conscious mind that the part wanting to co-operate is trying to show me things when I wake up to say "hey, this is how your trying to resist and I need some help here with this". Either that or maybe since I just woke up and presumably from a different state of mind that I'm just still being very self aware of a few things until I completely out of that different state. Anyway, I thought I would report this just because it seemed like it would be good info to maybe better improve the tech for future subs.
The first is confirmation about a recurring theme I have kept having and I have gone back to before. I didn't know why this kept on coming up but now I think i know why now. It had to do with that dream I had mentioned where I would start walking in one direction to my goal or destination but then after a few steps I totally forget why I'm there or what I was doing. Rinse and repeat. I woke up one morning and had a flash of insight about this situation. For some reason I seem to get these flash of insights into what is happening internally after I wake up for some reason. In this one it seemed like all the pieces seemed to fall into place and I finally understood. I realized I had heard of this type of defense mechanism in Psychology before. Where someone has a traumatizing event happen that is so severe, usually at a young age, that they either pretend or actually fool themselves into believing that the event never happened. This is despite that traumatizing event affecting almost every area of their life.
It is so bad that even when a psychologist tries to help them deal with it they are so "afraid" of even remembering the event that they just won't even acknowledge the event happened no matter what the psychologist tries. I am pretty certain that is what is going on at the moment. There is something that was so traumatic or that I am so afraid of that I am willing to have complete amnesia whenever I get even close to whatever it is I fear. Obviously I was still able to get results on this version thing is though there still seems to be something that even my subconscious doesn't even want to deal with that it will go so far as to Truly believe such a thing happened or that such a fear exists. Anyway, that was the first revelation I had that confirmed something I had been thinking for a while.
The second thing I realize though was the degree of self sabotage the part resisting is willing to go through. I woke earlier this week and something really strange happened. I realized something in the back of my mind was on full blast. Essentially I could "feel" every thought the part resisting was having. Essentially, It was how it wanted to sabotage every plan I had laid out for the coming months when it came to succeeding at finishing my programs, leaving the US, and my plans with the girls. I don't know how but this all bled through into my conscious mind and I could hear these fear fueled feelings just wanting to sabotage everything possible. I could clearly tell this was out of fear of what it meant to succeed. This was quite the interesting experience I had where the part resisting was just on full display with no filter. (Edit) Forgot to mention that this whole thing I think is a response to TID. Over the last few days I have come up with some plans after asking what I really want to do with my life. One of which is after I am finish with my current degree I actually will be working on getting a software development degree so I can get high pay and also do work that I would actually find interesting. After I really thought about it I found that teaching English would just annoy and irritate me because I rather deal with things than people. Dealing with stupid people especially takes a lot of energy out of me.
I wonder if maybe even though what is happening internally is suppose to be hidden mostly from the conscious mind that the part wanting to co-operate is trying to show me things when I wake up to say "hey, this is how your trying to resist and I need some help here with this". Either that or maybe since I just woke up and presumably from a different state of mind that I'm just still being very self aware of a few things until I completely out of that different state. Anyway, I thought I would report this just because it seemed like it would be good info to maybe better improve the tech for future subs.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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