01-29-2019, 06:21 AM
Well, guess its time for my report. I will have just one more day left of listening then I have my 3 day break. This might be long but some funny things have happened.
The first major internal thing I noticed is that when I listened there came a point where there was just this part of me, this part of me that seems to just need to have control over everything. I think what it can't have control over it either avoids or destroys (in the example of a relationship). It got to a point where apparently the sub was just too powerful and I said in my mind, "I don't want this anymore. I don't want to keep having control over my life". Kind of weird phrase but it made sense to me. Once I made that decision it was like my mind went completely blank for a good long time. I assumed this was because that fear of losing control and not having control was a basis for a lot of my faulty beliefs. Once I let go of the control and let the sub do as it wished the beliefs that had their roots in that fear just died it would seem. I also felt my body literally just release this long standing tension I wasn't aware of up till now.
Either way since that has happened I have noticed somethings. I have less and less problem actually expressing emotion or displeasure with bullshit. Its like I'm not afraid of my own feelings and it actually feels invigorating to actually express them. I also have this feeling that certain changes are happening internally on a daily basis but I'm not sure what they are. It seems to be little tweaks here and there I notice a bit after I wake up. I do notice as well that I definitely have uninterrupted sleep unlike before. As for external results I will go with the good first then the bad. The good is I had started making profiles again, especially on this one site I hadn't tried yet. Meh, most of the girls seemed to be flaky but then out of no where I start talking to this one chick from Indonesia who is relatively decent looking.
On top of that though we seem to just click just really well and things are progressing pretty quickly. On top of that because of her culture she has no problem with me having 3 other women (gave away her cultural background there) besides herself and actually encourages it funny enough. It is most likely at this point that I will be going to visit her instead of my original idea of taking another trip to the Philippines. I do find it curious that as soon as I start this version I meet a women like this who has no problem with me having other women and is of the old school opinion of "If the significant other asks for sex then I am duty bound to give it to him whenever he wants". As far as her mentality it seems to be very, very traditional. As far as she is concern her only job, in her mind, is to stay home, take care of the house, take care of any kids, cook, and fuck her man when he wants it (along with any other women involved with him).
Now for the bad. The only downside is that literally I have not left my room since I've started this version. I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't gone to the post office which I really need to. Thing is I have this idea that part of me is deathly, I mean deathly afraid of what happens when I go outside and interact with people. It could mean various things. Though I admit the idea that when I come across a women when I leave the apartment that fulfill the requirements for the sniper that part that is deathly afraid is probably afraid that it will not be able to resist and it will have to execute the instructions.
That's about it for now really that I can report. For now I just really need to leave the apartment though it feels like there is just this paralysis about doing that. On top of that I still haven't seen a change in my study habits and I really need to change that soon. Literally, I need to graduate hopefully in at least March so I can move out of here like I planned.
The first major internal thing I noticed is that when I listened there came a point where there was just this part of me, this part of me that seems to just need to have control over everything. I think what it can't have control over it either avoids or destroys (in the example of a relationship). It got to a point where apparently the sub was just too powerful and I said in my mind, "I don't want this anymore. I don't want to keep having control over my life". Kind of weird phrase but it made sense to me. Once I made that decision it was like my mind went completely blank for a good long time. I assumed this was because that fear of losing control and not having control was a basis for a lot of my faulty beliefs. Once I let go of the control and let the sub do as it wished the beliefs that had their roots in that fear just died it would seem. I also felt my body literally just release this long standing tension I wasn't aware of up till now.
Either way since that has happened I have noticed somethings. I have less and less problem actually expressing emotion or displeasure with bullshit. Its like I'm not afraid of my own feelings and it actually feels invigorating to actually express them. I also have this feeling that certain changes are happening internally on a daily basis but I'm not sure what they are. It seems to be little tweaks here and there I notice a bit after I wake up. I do notice as well that I definitely have uninterrupted sleep unlike before. As for external results I will go with the good first then the bad. The good is I had started making profiles again, especially on this one site I hadn't tried yet. Meh, most of the girls seemed to be flaky but then out of no where I start talking to this one chick from Indonesia who is relatively decent looking.
On top of that though we seem to just click just really well and things are progressing pretty quickly. On top of that because of her culture she has no problem with me having 3 other women (gave away her cultural background there) besides herself and actually encourages it funny enough. It is most likely at this point that I will be going to visit her instead of my original idea of taking another trip to the Philippines. I do find it curious that as soon as I start this version I meet a women like this who has no problem with me having other women and is of the old school opinion of "If the significant other asks for sex then I am duty bound to give it to him whenever he wants". As far as her mentality it seems to be very, very traditional. As far as she is concern her only job, in her mind, is to stay home, take care of the house, take care of any kids, cook, and fuck her man when he wants it (along with any other women involved with him).
Now for the bad. The only downside is that literally I have not left my room since I've started this version. I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't gone to the post office which I really need to. Thing is I have this idea that part of me is deathly, I mean deathly afraid of what happens when I go outside and interact with people. It could mean various things. Though I admit the idea that when I come across a women when I leave the apartment that fulfill the requirements for the sniper that part that is deathly afraid is probably afraid that it will not be able to resist and it will have to execute the instructions.
That's about it for now really that I can report. For now I just really need to leave the apartment though it feels like there is just this paralysis about doing that. On top of that I still haven't seen a change in my study habits and I really need to change that soon. Literally, I need to graduate hopefully in at least March so I can move out of here like I planned.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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