Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, glad the forums are finally up because now I can finally report on something I've noticed. First off for full disclosure I missed just a few days, which I think was a combination of resistance and having that last incident I mentioned in my last post putting me in a semi-depressive state. I am back on it though and trying to be vigilant against that again. There is one main obstacle that I want to talk about though and its one I have already pointed out before hand which seems to be a recurring problem.

Once again, like on the last version of US/LM, I am still seeing this tactic of just artificially messing with my ability to be motivated in order to not execute. This is on multiple fronts as well. My ability to get through my studies has gone down to a snails pace because if I actually graduated that means -gasp- as soon as I get to Korea I would actually execute DMSI. I can't be motivated to go to the gym, which I tried to recently do, because if I got too big like I plan on doing I would also start getting female attention and start executing in a way. Its like I can feel this constant conflict inside of me and the part resisting is literally doing everything it can to keep this "demotivate game" going.

There are times when I try to get myself motivated but then its like I get distracted by some random thought then when I get back to my original line of thinking the motivation has been "drained" as it were. Honestly, the first thing I can think of is that dream I mentioned a while back where I was trying to head somewhere but as soon as I take a few steps its like my mind just gets "wiped" and I try to figure out why I was there. I stop, try to remember what I was doing and where I was going. I remember why I was there and where I was going. I start heading in that direction again then the whole process starts all over again. I really do feel like that dream was giving some insight of what was going on.

Either way, I thought I would report this again since Shannon said he thought he might have taken care of this with this version of FRM but it doesn't seem to be working as much. Seems like the old tricks are still being used. Hopefully it can be found out what is causing this so this whole can be plugged in. I'm just so tired of this and I don't know why I'm so afraid of success. Its like apart of me would rather have complete failure in all those things I said above than succeed. I just don't get where all this fear comes from and why its it going to such great lengths.