USLM3 Journal

[RTBoss]

What is it you're doing, specifically, to develop friendships? I'm referring to what you do once you are interacting with people.

@RTBoss
Well I start by asking them questions about themselves and their interests and trying to find stuff in common. I seem to get along well enough but I am not developing any deep friendships. I have made progress in getting invited to more social events but then I feel like I don't capitalize on them. I think its a mixture of social anxiety and perhaps some social inexperience. Also some low SE as well.

I've made plenty of friends while having low SE and social anxiety. It's probably easier when you have higher SE and lack social anxiety. My experience has been having interests in common trumps everything, as long as you are willing to take the steps to deepen the connections you make with people you're interested in doing that with.

I'm the kind of guy who's always been more interested in a few quality friendships, than many superficial friendships. Being pretty introverted by nature (though I come across as an extrovert one-on-one), many of my friends are extroverts. In most cases, they were the ones who mentioned hanging out first. In all cases, we have a lot in common - be it similar subject matter, sense of humor (pretty important for me), and sharing experiences that increase emotional bonding. The people I've lacked that commonality with usually fizzle out naturally.

I'm 38, and would say that I have a handful of extremely close, quality friendships. Unfortunately, the guys I'm closest with - who I met in high school - live at least 7 hours drive away, and we see each other maybe twice a year.

My latest/newest friend I met at my son's swim lessons. We noticed that we literally drive the same minivan, are both stay-at-home dads, like the same college football team, laugh at the same things, are movie nuts, and then about two months ago, he asked me if I wanted to watch a football game at his house w/ the kids. Now we see movies together, have gone to a basketball game, and also have had some long chats about life, which has deepened our friendship quickly. Now and then, we'll text each other and just bull$hit. On the other hand, we also found out we shouldn't discuss politics, . IOW, it doesn't have to be perfect, but you have to put time, energy, and effort into making the connection deeper.

I would think, with the goal you have using USLM, in good time you'll have the opportunity to make such connections. Even if it's just one, that one friendship may be one that lasts a lifetime. So if you think you have something in common with someone enough that you're interested in befriending them, perhaps they are a little shy and you just need to ask them to go do something fun - where you can naturally get to know each other better one-on-one.