Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I am working on it. Right now, spending time working on other things directly, but working out how to approach and deal with these issues you bring up. Right now, I haven't figured out the "how" yet.

Thanks Shannon. I really appreciate all your hard work on this.

Thought I would give an update. I unfortunately skipped my first day ever due to resistance I think. It was due to having to deal with what I had reported on. I "feared" that sooner or later the Nihilism that I had experience on 3.2 would comeback and unfortunately I was right. I know who I am dealing with now. I'm dealing with myself at about 13-14 years old. That's when the nihilism had started. I guess this requires more explanation and quite frankly that was a very dark time during my life. As usual I wouldn't share this type of thing but I know I need to give as much detailed info as possible to make sure the feedback I give helps with the development of the program. I also want to write this all down before I forget since this all came to me once I woke up again.

This was during the time when I was being emotionally abused when I interacted with my mother and when I was at the private school I would be constantly made fun of every single day. Getting to the point where I just withdrew into myself and just kept to myself mostly. I noticed when I woke up somethings were pointed out to me that I hadn't really considered in context before. The underlying message I kept on receiving in my interactions with people at school or at home. What was definitely pointed out to me was the anti male sentiment I kept on getting. My mother is self explanatory. At the school though it felt like the boys were treated like they didn't matter at all. Girls could get away with all sorts of stuff (Boys could if they were "cool" enough).

I remember one time both me and this other guy hadn't shaved and the female teacher was about to send both of us to talk to the school administrator. The other guy just cracked a joke and he was left off from having to go. I was sent there by myself. A minor example but kind of shows the favoritism. What was brought up as well was the fact how "feminine" the men were. All the male teachers acted like cucks. Boys would be held accountable even for minor things but girls? Nope, no accountability what so ever. Even then there were times the male teachers would just tried to avoid conflict at any cost. For example, I remember one guy getting picked on and being confronted aggressively right in front of a teacher and the teacher just pretended like he was reading his newspaper to avoid conflict.

The moment that stood out the most though was when the problems at home were getting so bad that I could barely take it anymore. There was one point I went to the school administrator about my problems I was having with my mother. The advice he gave me? Essentially shut up, your opinions and feelings don't matter and just respect "wamen" (As the meme goes these days). It was soon after this I had a kind of supernatural vision as it were (won't go into too much detail about that). I am certain at that point had I not had that supernatural experience I would have took my own life at 18 years old.

I now understand now why I have so much negativity and anguish in my life though or keep manifesting it. At around 14 years old that was all I had around me at the time and so that is all I thought their was to life. Because of that and to keep myself going at the time I did the only thing that seemed to be conceivable to me at the time. If all I had was negativity (Anger, depression, rage, etc) then I guess I can only make due with that to keep me going forward. I used the anger of the injustices done to me to motivate me. A kind of "I will show them" type attitude. Hence anger became the way I tried to fuel myself to move forward. Only thing is anger takes a toll on you and soon enough I just lost myself sort of.

This is how I've gotten to the point of only being motivated by that when it came up. The reason i fell into nihilism though is because I saw all this anguish and despair and really asked myself what is the point in anything anymore? Nothing matters if all there is is this and then to finally die at some point. On the other note, I don't want to be fueled by anger anymore and neither do I want to keep living in this negative dogmatic view I have caged myself in. Only thing is its like a certain part of me keeps on searching for a way out of this "prison" I have created for myself of which I am my own jailer. The part that wants to get out just doesn't know how. The part resisting any changing is just dogmatic in its view that this is all there is just like it was when I was a teen.

Anything to the contrary is "not for us" or it is just too "afraid" to move beyond the cage. I remember when I went on my trip I actually felt very happy for the most part every day because I felt free and that I could actually be myself and people would react positively. With that came this underlying fear though of even just being happy and content. Like "this isn't the way it is suppose to be" and the fact that I didn't "feel use to feeling this way". Having the old view is more safe and familiar. I just want to find a way out of this but don't know "how" to get out. What does one do when all their life they've been told they essentially aren't worth shit (especially because they have a Y Chromosome), their feelings and worries don't matter. When all you have had for a long time is negativity, anger and despair and a deep part of your subconscious has just dogmatically accepted that as your reality? The fallacy that your past experience should dictate your future? This idea that I'm shit and I have to continually feel like shit or have negative things happen to me because that's the way its suppose to be. I know its irrational seeing as I experienced the total opposite when in another country yet this resisting part of dogmatic about it.

I don't even know how I'm suppose to deal with this part of myself. Either way, just thought I would let this out there. That's what I'm dealing with at the moment. I will keep on going with the sub though this nihilism at times is paralyzing and it is causing me to be lazy now. I'm also feeling this anger and agitation coming up a lot. Any comments or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.