09-11-2018, 08:41 PM
Day 60
It’s been a crazy couple of days…
I got sick with a virus and have had a bad fever. I was bidridden and most of the time I was dozing in and out of consciousness. I had a lot of weird dreams and at times I woke up feeling as if I understood something important. I was a little off, almost like the fever created a lucid state of mind. My brain felt like it was cooking, my eardrums throbbed and my ears randomly buzzed/rung. I remember having a lot of dreams about my dad and every situation we were in I felt frustrated, angry, ignored and made to feel stupid. As a kid, he treated me like I was too stupid to do anything because he’s such a perfectionist he could not handle me doing something that was not to his standard. Of course as a kid I wouldn’t have known this, but what he did was help create a distorted lens which I viewed my life experiences through. I was under the assumption that I was not smart enough, good enough, and others were better than me.
After these dreams, next came ones of my own kids. I don’t know what this all meant, but in the dreams every time I was out somewhere with the kids I would lose one of them. I’d search frantically and not be able to find them but eventually after much panic and anxiety I would find them. This morning I started to think about what I mentioned in this post and a few other things and all of a sudden I lost my shit and the tears started to pour. I couldn’t go all out because my wife and a few of the kids were home, but liquid poured out of my eyes like nothing I have ever experienced. I am not sure if this is linked, or if it was to happen anyway, but since then I have gradually felt stronger and better physically, like I am getting over the virus at a rapid rate. The fever did break a night ago so I was probably getting better, but crying like that seems to have accelerated recovery.
This E1 subliminal stuff is no joke. And I notice more stuff too relating to all said above. Like when I’d see a tradesman (carpenters, builders etc) in the past, I’d feel inferior, like I am less of a man. But lately when I look at them, I see them as someone with 2 arms, 2 legs and a set of hands just like me. I think this stems from, as a kid, being treated like someone who was too stupid to do anything. I was trod down and left to feel stupid and useless. Perhaps if the opposite happened I’d have followed a career path that would have made me happy, rather than studying for a degree that I don’t really give a shit about.
It’s been a crazy couple of days…
I got sick with a virus and have had a bad fever. I was bidridden and most of the time I was dozing in and out of consciousness. I had a lot of weird dreams and at times I woke up feeling as if I understood something important. I was a little off, almost like the fever created a lucid state of mind. My brain felt like it was cooking, my eardrums throbbed and my ears randomly buzzed/rung. I remember having a lot of dreams about my dad and every situation we were in I felt frustrated, angry, ignored and made to feel stupid. As a kid, he treated me like I was too stupid to do anything because he’s such a perfectionist he could not handle me doing something that was not to his standard. Of course as a kid I wouldn’t have known this, but what he did was help create a distorted lens which I viewed my life experiences through. I was under the assumption that I was not smart enough, good enough, and others were better than me.
After these dreams, next came ones of my own kids. I don’t know what this all meant, but in the dreams every time I was out somewhere with the kids I would lose one of them. I’d search frantically and not be able to find them but eventually after much panic and anxiety I would find them. This morning I started to think about what I mentioned in this post and a few other things and all of a sudden I lost my shit and the tears started to pour. I couldn’t go all out because my wife and a few of the kids were home, but liquid poured out of my eyes like nothing I have ever experienced. I am not sure if this is linked, or if it was to happen anyway, but since then I have gradually felt stronger and better physically, like I am getting over the virus at a rapid rate. The fever did break a night ago so I was probably getting better, but crying like that seems to have accelerated recovery.
This E1 subliminal stuff is no joke. And I notice more stuff too relating to all said above. Like when I’d see a tradesman (carpenters, builders etc) in the past, I’d feel inferior, like I am less of a man. But lately when I look at them, I see them as someone with 2 arms, 2 legs and a set of hands just like me. I think this stems from, as a kid, being treated like someone who was too stupid to do anything. I was trod down and left to feel stupid and useless. Perhaps if the opposite happened I’d have followed a career path that would have made me happy, rather than studying for a degree that I don’t really give a shit about.
