EPHRA 1.0

[destinedtochange]

Whats up gang? I am posting progress of EPHRA. Of course as mentioned in intro I have been already in use of it for about a few weeks now.....

I dont usually have skill to make people laugh but today, I put in a 'funny' and got a chuckle out of my manager at work....dont know if this is EPHRA's doing?

I have been having vivid dreams with this free version....but dont feel exhausted...

Honestly I am trying to get the following results with using the 1st version.

1. social anxiety destroyed
2. irrational fears removed

[Zane]

Looking forward to your progress...

[destinedtochange]

THANK U zane.

so day is still young but i want to mention how it sucks how i cant speak freely even for the most silliest jokes or simplest comments......my irrational fears are in high gear right now. Well in the beginning today during the morning, I thought I could say anything joking and stuff but now I am fearing of speaking up even to make a simple joke.

Really eats me up...

[Zane]

Since when have u been listening EPRAH? And how many hours?

[destinedtochange]

Since when have u been listening EPRAH? And how many hours?

I am glad I keep records of listening time.

I think I started on jan 6 or 7th? Total estimated hours were about 131.5. In that time frame I was listening to it on and off but not consistently. Now I am listening consistently.

[destinedtochange]

So today I had more crazy dreams last night. One of them was like I was back in elementary school and the circumstance was bizarre, in the dream it felt as if I murdered a student.....and then I was trying to hide that fact away from the teachers......and then it felt like I got away with it.....I don't know why I did it or who I did it too but back in my childhood years I had the worst school experience with bully teachers (yes you read that right) and student bullies.....don't know if the sub is trying to do something here.....

I did have another dream but I forgot that one....

I did learn that using the US tones and at a high volume level does some effects to me.....everyone has different experiences and what works for them but I think this one works best for me; if my stereo goes up to 60 max my volume levels I listen to is between 40 and 60.....usually 40 to 45 anything more than that does get too intense...as far as what my hearing can handle

Today, I made an excuse not to go to work.....lied to my manager that i had car trouble....only as an excuse to avoid going to a celebration that I don't even know would happen today because I dont want to involve my self in the celebration so I lied to avoid it. It is definitely social anxiety or irrational thoughts that plagues my mind.

[destinedtochange]

Today wasn't bad at all. But I understand we can't have the best days every single day of our lives. Usually when I am thinking of saying something funny I have to decide in my head whether I should go for it or not.....understandably, the normal natural ones just do it. I am very quiet and reserved at work but I don't know if I am slowly breaking away from that as I sometimes doubt whether I should say something cuz I will sound stupid and won't get a chuckle or no one will notice me saying it and that will make me feel bad or embarrassed to saying it and finally getting a chuckle from folks...which is exactly what happened today. "I made a funny" and got some laughs from my manager and coworker.

In addition I still feel like I can't talk to this one girl at work that I want to have friendship with.....no I dont want her as a girlfriend but just as a friend.....shes got kids anyways and a boyfriend and has tats and one of my things is that I dont like women with tats no matter how hot they r.

It has been revealed to me that my manager is gonna have a celebration outing to eat at a restaurant tomorrow......I really dont want to go so I am thinking if I should make up an excuse to not to go....I just dont feel comfortable going out to eat with groups of people.......I wish there was a way out of it...I still have irrational fears of expressing myself and fear of saying what I feel.

Today, I guess I do experience a 1% awareness as it feels to say things and just simply talk without worrying what others think? EPHRA, is this your doing?

[destinedtochange]

So here I am now at work and can't speak to anyone....I am frozen, I want to talk and join in on a conversation but am frozen, .....that fear oh God that fear; irrational fears......also hate not being acknowledged....even with a girl that jokes with me I am afraid of joining the party of conversation....hope EPHRA will pull through with this....I only listened to about 7 hours I think last night...

My main problem is speaking up fearing rejection of thoughts not being acknowledged I think....

UPDATE: What I feared of having the dining out bs with the workers and crew didnt turn out so bad....I was still a bit edgy but when the attention focused on me as we were chit chatting waiting for our meals at Chilis, I felt calm and neutral I guess...I still couldnt join in on the topic that was being discussed at the dinner table , in fact, one of my attempts to try to be funny with 2 girls sitting across from me at the table where I work, really got a 'uhh ok' kinda reaction....but earlier in the morning what I forgot to mention was a sense of fear of reaching out for help when I needed it....I need to get help when I need it and not stay quiet trying to fix it on my own....thats the problem I suffered as a kid in school was very quiet and never reaching out to people when I needed help also because of possible fears....But I did become a little bit more loose and open conversational for a short period I guess when the topic was on me. I also sometimes make people laugh but that is when I am not trying to be funny, and when I try, it is like crickets chirping and "I am going to move to that table" kind of reaction....

My debilitating social skills my whole life has made me into a person that has no adapted built experience with being funny and during any attempts to be funny, it comes out awkward or weird

[Zane]

So here I am now at work and can't speak to anyone....I am frozen, I want to talk and join in on a conversation but am frozen, .....that fear oh God that fear; irrational fears......also hate not being acknowledged....even with a girl that jokes with me I am afraid of joining the party of conversation....hope EPHRA will pull through with this....I only listened to about 7 hours I think last night...

My main problem is speaking up fearing rejection of thoughts not being acknowledged I think....

I have never used EPRAH but I think it's targeting your fears and its is being released caused u buried them in someform...I am listening to "Overcome fears" and I see my fears coming in front of me and then I realise that,This is My fear being released in some way.. Somedays you will feel guilt, sometimes shame, sometimes fear.. . This means that sub is working and digging out and it's only a matter of time before u will be free. .. Sometimes you are also gonna be angry for no reason cause anger is a good way to hide one's fear, guilt and shame.. but as soon as your anger is gone u will know why you were angry because the true feelings will emerge when ur anger is gone..... You will learn alot with Subs on this website... You will learn stuff about yourself which you haven't learnt in past 10 or 20 years.. I promise you that for sure.

[destinedtochange]

So here I am now at work and can't speak to anyone....I am frozen, I want to talk and join in on a conversation but am frozen, .....that fear oh God that fear; irrational fears......also hate not being acknowledged....even with a girl that jokes with me I am afraid of joining the party of conversation....hope EPHRA will pull through with this....I only listened to about 7 hours I think last night...

My main problem is speaking up fearing rejection of thoughts not being acknowledged I think....

I have never used EPRAH but I think it's targeting your fears and its is being released caused u buried them in someform...I am listening to "Overcome fears" and I see my fears coming in front of me and then I realise that,This is My fear being released in some way.. Somedays you will feel guilt, sometimes shame, sometimes fear.. . This means that sub is working and digging out and it's only a matter of time before u will be free. .. Sometimes you are also gonna be angry for no reason cause anger is a good way to hide one's fear, guilt and shame.. but as soon as your anger is gone u will know why you were angry because the true feelings will emerge when ur anger is gone..... You will learn alot with Subs on this website... You will learn stuff about yourself which you haven't learnt in past 10 or 20 years.. I promise you that for sure.

zane's words of wisdom....Thanks for that feedback zane; but I feel sometimes EPHRA is not doing anything.....i am like demanding it to change me already i am listening to it dedicatedly daily....impatiently waiting for results....

[Zane]

So here I am now at work and can't speak to anyone....I am frozen, I want to talk and join in on a conversation but am frozen, .....that fear oh God that fear; irrational fears......also hate not being acknowledged....even with a girl that jokes with me I am afraid of joining the party of conversation....hope EPHRA will pull through with this....I only listened to about 7 hours I think last night...

My main problem is speaking up fearing rejection of thoughts not being acknowledged I think....

I have never used EPRAH but I think it's targeting your fears and its is being released caused u buried them in someform...I am listening to "Overcome fears" and I see my fears coming in front of me and then I realise that,This is My fear being released in some way.. Somedays you will feel guilt, sometimes shame, sometimes fear.. . This means that sub is working and digging out and it's only a matter of time before u will be free. .. Sometimes you are also gonna be angry for no reason cause anger is a good way to hide one's fear, guilt and shame.. but as soon as your anger is gone u will know why you were angry because the true feelings will emerge when ur anger is gone..... You will learn alot with Subs on this website... You will learn stuff about yourself which you haven't learnt in past 10 or 20 years.. I promise you that for sure.

zane's words of wisdom....Thanks for that feedback zane; but I feel sometimes EPHRA is not doing anything.....i am like demanding it to change me already i am listening to it dedicatedly daily....impatiently waiting for results....

Whenever you feel that EPRAH is not doing anything then just read ur previous post and I am sure u will notice that indeed change is happening. ..

We all want to change asap and infact we are but we need to be patient. . These subs have taught me patience.. Cause in order for them to work we must follow instructions..

Everyday you r running sub is changing you everyday..... I treat Subliminal like my girlfriend.. They talk alot.. But I am listening with patience.

[destinedtochange]

Today I could not listen to EPHRA majority of the time because my fiancee was calling me interrupting my listening mode, and the person that she is, she will call so many times before she gives up calling. Anyway I had to shut off the phone and zoned off to sleep. woke up about 5 hours later and then turned on the sub to listen to it but didnt fall back asleep cuz i was gettin the munchies...

So i did have a awkward dream but that also wasnt with using the sub as i slept before I woke up all of a sudden.

It also dawned on me today that I think since using EPHRA I had this desire to "remodel my room" such as new carpeting, custom bed spreads, more cushiony pillows, starting to buy clothing, etc.

I was never interested in this kind of stuff while before ephra I think....before then I didnt even care about redecorating my room or getting clothing with a new wardrobe....

Another weird thing is my brother in law just came up to me randomly and confronted me about something of why I changed the door knob, I felt 'fight or flight' response even if i had my reasons to do it, but it was just so random when he asked but he seemed sort of pissed about it too in his voice I would imagine.

With that said, I am hesitating but wishing to confront him back I am not fearless heck I dont even run OF yet but I think just starting out with a text will explain it to him.

Nothing else really exciting happened but what I did actually do is for the first time. I actually paid for a meal for my parents that
I never ever did in my life, its usually them that pay for me......so I ended up buying something even if it was just $5

I also have been trying to expand my social circle to find friends locally to bond with and form friendships

Lastly, I called the runaway hotline because I am planning to start fresh from everyone and everything in my life and start from scratch..........not official yet but just thinking about it

[destinedtochange]

Had a crazy experience in my dream last night with EPHRA while on masked subliminal which is what I use when I am sleeping, I used to use the trickling stream but this one has more of an effect on me...anyway I even bumped up the volume capacity by one notch to experiment the effects and what happened was it was like I felt I was almost in a car accident felt like my eyes were shut and I was anticipating the crash to occur eventually.....felt like the vehicle was spinning out of control and I was just waiting to hit something preparing for the brutal impact.....felt so real I was scared!

I ended up txting my bro in law about the incident yesterday and it felt like a massive pressure off of my shoulders. Like this big whoosh of relief........if I didnt do it I would have felt bugged out for a long time....

[destinedtochange]

Last night it happened again another similar "cant open my eyes" and feel like I am going to crash or something and anticipate the "pain".....I know this much that I believe that similar dream took place again but not in the form of a car crash like the previous post dream.

Here's the weird thing today, before people in my job are chit chatting away and I felt like I wanted to include my self and it was bothering me and I felt isolated and ignored...........but today I felt neutral and it didnt bother me this time.....I felt poised and calm and neutral about not, not craving attention.

I do get thoughts and desires to stop EPHRA not because I cant take it no more but because I think I just jump right into OF or OGSF.......is that resistance whispering in my ears to do this because EPHRA feels boring and not noticing anything happening?