08-24-2018, 01:52 AM
Day 41
Still having heaps of weird dreams where people are coming to me and having a conversation with me about life and suffering. The weird part is, without naming names, they are all 90's B grade actors for some reason. Don't know what it's all about, but it feels like it's the kind of stuff that my dad should have talked to me about when I was growing up but for whatever reason he didn't. I can also see how my dad who was too afraid to make a decision and go for it without seeking some type of approval from an external source rubbed off on me and it helped make me indecisive in life. I have improved a lot in this area, but it certainly stuffed up my life in my 20's. It made me insecure and afraid of making a mistake and because of that I missed out on some opportunities.
I think I am still in a type of low level resistance, I am feeling a bit down and out during the day sometimes but I am also noticing that I am giving less fucks about what people think of me or what they say to me. Things are happening but it's difficult to consciously decipher exactly what it is that's happening. I have come close to crying again a few times but it's only happen within a dream, the other few times when I was awake I came close but it kind of went away. It's definitely I tough time running this every night but I think it's worth it. I think I know what was meant by the forced march now, this thing isn't stopping for nothing lol. Hopefully the clouds will completely clear soon and I'll enjoy some pleasant days.
Still having heaps of weird dreams where people are coming to me and having a conversation with me about life and suffering. The weird part is, without naming names, they are all 90's B grade actors for some reason. Don't know what it's all about, but it feels like it's the kind of stuff that my dad should have talked to me about when I was growing up but for whatever reason he didn't. I can also see how my dad who was too afraid to make a decision and go for it without seeking some type of approval from an external source rubbed off on me and it helped make me indecisive in life. I have improved a lot in this area, but it certainly stuffed up my life in my 20's. It made me insecure and afraid of making a mistake and because of that I missed out on some opportunities.
I think I am still in a type of low level resistance, I am feeling a bit down and out during the day sometimes but I am also noticing that I am giving less fucks about what people think of me or what they say to me. Things are happening but it's difficult to consciously decipher exactly what it is that's happening. I have come close to crying again a few times but it's only happen within a dream, the other few times when I was awake I came close but it kind of went away. It's definitely I tough time running this every night but I think it's worth it. I think I know what was meant by the forced march now, this thing isn't stopping for nothing lol. Hopefully the clouds will completely clear soon and I'll enjoy some pleasant days.
