Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Wasn't going to update so soon but more of a personal thing happened that basically made my choice for me on what option I am going to go with in regards to what I said in the last post.

I will probably go with options 1 or 2 quite frankly because my tolerance for being here is pretty much shot. My mother once again tried to shame, guilt and emotionally manipulate me again. Its a constant thing where she has this constant impulse to shame and guilt people over the most ridiculous things. Its like she feels like gives her power over someone. I come home after getting something to eat and then she tried to say she wants to "talk" which every time she says that I know its code word for "I don't feel good about myself right now or something you did and I'm going to guilt, shame, and emotionally manipulate you for a bit to make myself feel better". What was my crime? I moved something that I had given my late step father at some little Shrine she had of him (which she hadn't even told anyone was a Shrine btw and doesn't even look like one).

She was so angry that I moved it and it hurt her "feelings" because it was one of the last things he touched (Which btw, it wasn't. He hadn't touched that thing in months before he passed). Oh but how does she not know this fact? Easy because she never paid attention to him that much when he was alive unless she wanted him to entertain her or to use all sorts of guilt, shame, fear, and emotional tactics on him. I will be honest, I really cant take her seriously. The reason being is she treated him like absolute shit while he was alive and had no respect for him at all (Granted I lost respect for him because he let her treat him like that). She literally made him sleep on the couch for years and probably towards the end only gave him pity sex like once or twice a year. Then all of a sudden after he died she "cared him for him so much". Mind you she kept on saying she missed her "friend" not husband this entire time.

Not to mention it was no secret how she treated him because at the funeral a lot of people on his side of the family were giving her dirty looks as if she caused his death. Which was true to a degree because she literally shamed him into working a long as he did because she wanted to keep living in one of the most "expensive cities" on the west coast. On top of that once she got his retirement and his life insurance (like 70K lump sum) did she do anything good with it? Nope, I told her to just move to another state and by a decent house or pay off the portion of a good house but nope didn't want to listen. She wanted to stay in near this expensive city and wanted to stay here for the memories. She also spent it on useless shit that she didn't need or give some of it to every family member that had a sob story. Months later after the money is used up she then goes, "I don't like living here anymore. Its too expensive". I wanted to slap my forehead right then and there for her stupidity.

I'm just done now. This woman has nothing to offer me but more shame, guilt, fear, and emotional manipulation to make herself feel better. She also is just plain incompetent with money. Also, every time she makes a bad decision it isn't her fault, its either the nearest "white person" or "man's" fault. Never her own. I'm just going to finish my TEFL course this week or so, get the online job, work my butt off to pay off any debts I owe, save money, then go through with options 1 or 2 because I can't deal with this insanity much longer. She can go try that emotional manipulation crap with someone else or stay alone for all I care. I'm going to cut out all the toxicity out of my life and be done with it already. I'm just going to take Thor's advice and move out as soon as possible.

Either way, sorry for the sort of rant but I do think it gives a better idea of my current situation right now and gives more idea of one of my reasons to move far away from here. Wish I had done this sooner to be honest, but my options were very limited in the past or I just dragged my feet which is why I didn't have these options sooner. For now, I think I'm just going to aim to move out of the country by sometime in October. Latest will probably be November but I hope it won't be that late. Anyway, you guys take care!