A Sexy Alex, stage 2: DMSI Journal (now 3.3.2!)

[apollolux]

Hm. My mother told me that my grandmother passed away this morning. For the most part, I feel that my emotions, strong or otherwise, seem to be blocked. The main reason I can think of for that is that ever since I was a kid I didn't know how to deal with death, likely because almost every time my mom dragged us to to a funeral it was for someone I didn't know and honestly didn't care about, and when I finally started going to funerals of people I actually knew I didn't know how to feel or react or grieve.

Right now it feels like if I became sad that it would feel forced rather than natural. My current emotional state seems to be "flat" right now, with a side of "confused."

My condolences.

You may just need time to deal with it. It is sometimes a denial response right out of the gate. It took me literally years to process my mother's death enough to cry about it and really grieve.

That makes sense, I guess. I know that my fondest memory of her was when we were younger and she seemed super full of life and energy, while looking at the pics and vids my mom and I took a couple of years ago when we visited her in Puerto Rico she looked and seemed like a completely different person. Maybe the potential denial is due to the dissonance of those two "competing" versions/memories of her.