03-30-2018, 12:10 AM
Well, after a few days I think I understand whats going on and can report now.
Version A has been so much better for me than B was as I thought it would be though something does feel kind of weird. Neediness has dropped to pretty much zero and I just don't care about women at all. Its like If I get sex then ok that's fine but if not I don't care really. I'm not sure if this is outcome independence or apathy. It doesn't feel like apathy much because apathy has this kind of "dreary" feel to it. This feels like some zen, silent confidence type of thing that is going on. I should note that I have been pretty much exhausted the last few days as well. On the first day I only went out once to the gym. Was interesting, I had this feeling that the guys were trying to ignore me except for this one guy who came up to ask me my name and just wanted to say hello since he hadn't seen me around. There was another interesting thing where I was the only guy in a row of excise bikes and this guy walked buy on his way to somewhere else. All of a sudden he stopped at the row I was at and decided to jump on some bike like 4 bikes down from me. That was kind of weird.
Weren't that many women at the gym at the time though there was the cleaning lady and one other chick who I felt were slightly attracted. The one chick who was there to work out seemed to try to get in my way when I was walking out of the gym. I was suppose to go to the movie theater later that day as well but didn't because I was feeling exhausted. I actually ended up not doing much for the next couple of days because I felt tired and didn't feel like it until today. It was today that I found out the main reason why was because of even though that part of me resisting wasn't really in control anymore whenever it felt like time to go outside I would feel this resistance towards doing that. I realized it was because that part resisting was deathly afraid of the program actually working. Once I realized that I finally pushed myself to go watch a movie. I went to go watch "Ready Player One" which I would highly recommend if you were into cartoons, video games, and anime as I kid. Lots of funny stuff in there and I would give it either a 9.5 or 10 rating (Though the romance part of the movie was kind of "meh").
A few things I noticed was I went there to use my free movie pass the but women at the box office, who I knew when I worked there, basically put in her own pass and so I didn't even have to use my movie pass. Got to concessions where I knew a couple of other people working there. They actually let me have a free large popcorn (which they aren't suppose to) and used their card to give me a discount so I only paid 3 USD for a large drink. Other things I noticed is I didn't notice any anxiety at all when talking to people there and it felt like they were really kneen on talking to me for some reason, kind of felt weird like they were hanging on my every word. The 2 girls that were there that were somewhat attractive only seemed some what interested. I think that had to do with me not even caring at all honestly so I wasn't firing the aura all that much i think.
That does lead me to think if perhaps this is resistance or not. I feel like my standards have risen to some very high level and its like women I would have at least thought were cute don't do shit for me anymore. Its like I will look to see if there is any result then just lose interest and just say "they just don't interest me". Once again, don't know if this is natural or maybe the part resisting just artificially raised my standards to a high level to the point that the aura just won't fire off easily. I don't know if my sex drive is broken to a degree or if this really is not being needy and not giving a fuck. Guess time will tell, though I realized about an hour ago or so that I got unbelieveably horny out of nowhere for some reason. I'm wonder if maybe 3.2 A is just rebuilding up my neural pathways from the ground up after clearing stuff out so it might just take a while to see more external results.
As for internal results I do feel great. I just feel very calm, collected and confidant to a degree. Whenever a thought comes into my mind that isn't inline with the program I feel like I automatically notice it right away and the thought just disappears. I've noticed the part of me that is trying to resist is being shut out one could say. Its like the rest of me that is in agreement with the program is saying, "Well, your just acting like a spoiled child right now. You can just be in time out for a bit and then when you are done with your tantrum and have matured we will give you a seat at the table again". Based on this I do thing that part resisting after like say 30 days or so will just give up and get with the program. Its losing less and less influence by the day. I think as this new way of being becomes the new "habit" then everything else will fall inline I believe.
Also, I feel like all that hate,anger, rage I had before is just gone. With B it would use those feelings whether from the past or from being "told what to do" to fuel the resistance. Now it can't use that at all and therefore it can't muster up any effective counter measures and can't use the "chaos" strategy it was using before to throw things out of wack. It did make me drop some other things as well but I will write more on that later. Right now just have to say I'm liking it so far though it feels like something is missing so far but I'm just not sure what yet.
Version A has been so much better for me than B was as I thought it would be though something does feel kind of weird. Neediness has dropped to pretty much zero and I just don't care about women at all. Its like If I get sex then ok that's fine but if not I don't care really. I'm not sure if this is outcome independence or apathy. It doesn't feel like apathy much because apathy has this kind of "dreary" feel to it. This feels like some zen, silent confidence type of thing that is going on. I should note that I have been pretty much exhausted the last few days as well. On the first day I only went out once to the gym. Was interesting, I had this feeling that the guys were trying to ignore me except for this one guy who came up to ask me my name and just wanted to say hello since he hadn't seen me around. There was another interesting thing where I was the only guy in a row of excise bikes and this guy walked buy on his way to somewhere else. All of a sudden he stopped at the row I was at and decided to jump on some bike like 4 bikes down from me. That was kind of weird.
Weren't that many women at the gym at the time though there was the cleaning lady and one other chick who I felt were slightly attracted. The one chick who was there to work out seemed to try to get in my way when I was walking out of the gym. I was suppose to go to the movie theater later that day as well but didn't because I was feeling exhausted. I actually ended up not doing much for the next couple of days because I felt tired and didn't feel like it until today. It was today that I found out the main reason why was because of even though that part of me resisting wasn't really in control anymore whenever it felt like time to go outside I would feel this resistance towards doing that. I realized it was because that part resisting was deathly afraid of the program actually working. Once I realized that I finally pushed myself to go watch a movie. I went to go watch "Ready Player One" which I would highly recommend if you were into cartoons, video games, and anime as I kid. Lots of funny stuff in there and I would give it either a 9.5 or 10 rating (Though the romance part of the movie was kind of "meh").
A few things I noticed was I went there to use my free movie pass the but women at the box office, who I knew when I worked there, basically put in her own pass and so I didn't even have to use my movie pass. Got to concessions where I knew a couple of other people working there. They actually let me have a free large popcorn (which they aren't suppose to) and used their card to give me a discount so I only paid 3 USD for a large drink. Other things I noticed is I didn't notice any anxiety at all when talking to people there and it felt like they were really kneen on talking to me for some reason, kind of felt weird like they were hanging on my every word. The 2 girls that were there that were somewhat attractive only seemed some what interested. I think that had to do with me not even caring at all honestly so I wasn't firing the aura all that much i think.
That does lead me to think if perhaps this is resistance or not. I feel like my standards have risen to some very high level and its like women I would have at least thought were cute don't do shit for me anymore. Its like I will look to see if there is any result then just lose interest and just say "they just don't interest me". Once again, don't know if this is natural or maybe the part resisting just artificially raised my standards to a high level to the point that the aura just won't fire off easily. I don't know if my sex drive is broken to a degree or if this really is not being needy and not giving a fuck. Guess time will tell, though I realized about an hour ago or so that I got unbelieveably horny out of nowhere for some reason. I'm wonder if maybe 3.2 A is just rebuilding up my neural pathways from the ground up after clearing stuff out so it might just take a while to see more external results.
As for internal results I do feel great. I just feel very calm, collected and confidant to a degree. Whenever a thought comes into my mind that isn't inline with the program I feel like I automatically notice it right away and the thought just disappears. I've noticed the part of me that is trying to resist is being shut out one could say. Its like the rest of me that is in agreement with the program is saying, "Well, your just acting like a spoiled child right now. You can just be in time out for a bit and then when you are done with your tantrum and have matured we will give you a seat at the table again". Based on this I do thing that part resisting after like say 30 days or so will just give up and get with the program. Its losing less and less influence by the day. I think as this new way of being becomes the new "habit" then everything else will fall inline I believe.
Also, I feel like all that hate,anger, rage I had before is just gone. With B it would use those feelings whether from the past or from being "told what to do" to fuel the resistance. Now it can't use that at all and therefore it can't muster up any effective counter measures and can't use the "chaos" strategy it was using before to throw things out of wack. It did make me drop some other things as well but I will write more on that later. Right now just have to say I'm liking it so far though it feels like something is missing so far but I'm just not sure what yet.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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