Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

ok, with the release of version A within the next couple of days I thought I should give my final report on what happened with B and what I found out. As many of you might have read I ended up having to stop. It was because of several things: extreme exhaustion, because of the exhaustion I was sleeping like 18 hours a day, extreme swings in emotion constantly, so much internal chaos that I couldn't even think straight a lot of the time, couldn't even carefully think out what I wanted to type at times as I said with the last post, and even when I could think before typing I found all sorts of typos that I would overlook.

Even with me having to stop the program it would still be running in my head and I would get some insights. I did confirm one thing though my idea that the subconscious was manifesting general chaotic events is right. I had a clear example of this when I woke up one time and really felt good about myself like I hadn't in a long time. I felt like something had been majorly cleared. Only thing is it didn't last, it seems like that part resisting didn't like this. So later that night something happened that usually doesn't happen and it triggered some of my old trauma. So the trauma regrew in power and I was back exactly at where I was. I got confirmation when I had something similar to those states I would go into on 3.01 where I would get lots of internal insight on what was going on. I somehow intuitively "felt" the intention behind the events.It felt like it was "protecting" me by keeping the trauma and "regrowing" it when it felt like the trauma was growing too weak.

The part resisting felt like without the "Trauma" fresh still in my mind it I would be in danger. Of course this is ridiculous but as Shannon has said the Subconscious isn't rational, its emotional. This does make me ponder about people with high amounts of trauma or PTSD in general. Is this the excuse those people's subconscious give when having flashbacks of painful events or having more triggered? Is it a certain part of the subconscious thinking it is keeping them out of harms way by keeping the trauma as a fresh wound instead of letting it heal? Don't know but it is interesting to think about. Because of this stalemate it feels like I'm in this state where I realize I can't keep living like this, the way I have for the last few years since the trauma had been inflicted but at the same time I'm afraid of even moving a step forward. I just feel this general state of stagnation setting in.

Oh the good side though, with not being on B for a while I have been having more TID type experiences again which I'm pretty sure are from me running A side in the near future. I say this because the quality of the experience are the same ones I was having before that week Shannon decided he was going to release B only for a month. The most amazing one was the one I just woke up from. Literally, this dream was felt in every way like it was real. I literally felt like it was me doing these things and all my senses felt like they were there as well. It was like some life like simulation indistinguishable from reality.

I was sitting in front of the TV playing video games and this hot Asian woman who had been there with me went to go change then came back kind of dressed like she was going to go go to sleep but with a bit more revealing type clothing. She sat next to me and I actually got the hint. I felt a slight nervousness but I felt compelled to do something so I first put my hand over her hand which was on my shoulder and then put it on her thigh. She seemed nervous a bit even though she was the one signaling for this to happen but she said something like, "oh ok" and then she moves to get on my lap while I pull her over and we go at it. I notice throughout the whole thing I started getting more aggressive but in a smooth and coordinated fashion and she just kept on getting more submissive to it and willing to do things to please me even though I felt she had this shyness to her personality.

I literally felt "everything" like I was there as well, like I was literally doing it with her. If this is from potentially running A in the future it does give me hope that it will be a lot better for me than B. Well, that's enough for me about all this for now. I will probably not post again until A is out and I have had a couple of days to run it.

P.S. I apologize for any typos. Still trying to get over this cognitive exhaustion to a degree.