03-18-2018, 08:22 AM
I'm on the verge of change, and I'm writing about it to diffuse the fears.
I've been running SE on US all weekend so far. I've felt a twinge of relief some times, but I was untrusting fully since feelings/thoughts/circumstances can change quickly. I'd feel it, want more of it, and simultaneously have thoughts, fears and doubts surface to test it.
I'm running SE also, intentionally. About 2-3 weeks back, before starting this run, I purchased MLS. I've shared how I'm readying myself and studying for my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I'd run MLS for all of 3 days. I was on a plane out of state, and I focused non-stop on my cell phone studying my CDL study guide on it. MLS really works for me.
But during that weekend I'd gone to see my daughter. I grew so resentful (barely vocalizing it), and I blew up on my daughter the last day. I came on here, creating a thread seeking help. My emotions were in haywire.
I'd had a clear moment running MLS when I just felt good, so I ran it another night. My emotional state stayed high strung (angry), so I followed a suggestion and began SE.
MLS has Overcome Procrastination in it, and I wanted to use that..........but. But I'd lose my original focus. I did for that 24 hours. Being on SE steadily since then has felt stable, like a lot of emotional dynamite was taken out. I'm staying on SE, but the productivity from MLS I am still craving.
Along the social front, I went to my Saturday night hangout last night, with mixed feelings. One friend is older, wiser, and has very few expectations. His neighbor, 20 years younger, bleeds out "VALIDATE ME! VALIDATE ME!" constantly. I never spoke it, but I realized this morning I enjoyed talking to my older friend, and I felt "needed" or obliged to constantly gratify the other guy. I feel used after, like I've been around an emotional vampire. I'll work out my changes and choices in time. I'm seeing my own needs and reactions now.
As I write, I realize I've had "expectations" that he would be more emotionally mature. Wow. That's nothing more than fantasy!
I imagine the mindset I've read about in AM journals where ignorant people could be addressed or ignored while I know what I'm going for and moving ahead with or without them. Maybe this is surfacing in SE? I'm not sure. But GUILT has kept me bound to some pretty unhealthy people at times. And SE must be changing something in me, or I'd not write so much about it. Cheers!
I've been running SE on US all weekend so far. I've felt a twinge of relief some times, but I was untrusting fully since feelings/thoughts/circumstances can change quickly. I'd feel it, want more of it, and simultaneously have thoughts, fears and doubts surface to test it.
I'm running SE also, intentionally. About 2-3 weeks back, before starting this run, I purchased MLS. I've shared how I'm readying myself and studying for my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I'd run MLS for all of 3 days. I was on a plane out of state, and I focused non-stop on my cell phone studying my CDL study guide on it. MLS really works for me.
But during that weekend I'd gone to see my daughter. I grew so resentful (barely vocalizing it), and I blew up on my daughter the last day. I came on here, creating a thread seeking help. My emotions were in haywire.
I'd had a clear moment running MLS when I just felt good, so I ran it another night. My emotional state stayed high strung (angry), so I followed a suggestion and began SE.
MLS has Overcome Procrastination in it, and I wanted to use that..........but. But I'd lose my original focus. I did for that 24 hours. Being on SE steadily since then has felt stable, like a lot of emotional dynamite was taken out. I'm staying on SE, but the productivity from MLS I am still craving.
Along the social front, I went to my Saturday night hangout last night, with mixed feelings. One friend is older, wiser, and has very few expectations. His neighbor, 20 years younger, bleeds out "VALIDATE ME! VALIDATE ME!" constantly. I never spoke it, but I realized this morning I enjoyed talking to my older friend, and I felt "needed" or obliged to constantly gratify the other guy. I feel used after, like I've been around an emotional vampire. I'll work out my changes and choices in time. I'm seeing my own needs and reactions now.
As I write, I realize I've had "expectations" that he would be more emotionally mature. Wow. That's nothing more than fantasy!
I imagine the mindset I've read about in AM journals where ignorant people could be addressed or ignored while I know what I'm going for and moving ahead with or without them. Maybe this is surfacing in SE? I'm not sure. But GUILT has kept me bound to some pretty unhealthy people at times. And SE must be changing something in me, or I'd not write so much about it. Cheers!
I want to be FREE!
