Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences

[findingme]

I had an experience this morning which was different, yet familiar. I'm wondering if it's a good idea to repeat. I put on my SE playlist of six US loops last night, and I put it on repeat. I woke up, and it was on the 2nd track again, so less than 8 loops ran.

I woke up feeling my emotions stirring, like I could/should do something positive, but I was resisting it. I wanted to deny, deny, deny, and fight it.

It actually gave way when I got in my shower and began talking to (Rule 4 character). I am so used to dismissing what and who I love to "hang on" to.....I'm not sure...an old well known self, or an old way of life. When I got out of my shower, I saw my present very differently than before. I realized I was in an actual battle with myself, and noone else.

I was grateful. I'd actually cried in my shower, a simple needed release. I feel and felt grateful for this reality I'm facing with my eyes opening wider to me being around people, having judgements, then sometimes making self-harming decisions due to old self-comforting/protecting habits and beliefs.

I cried out of grief. Out of letting go of old, comfortable ways. Ways which denied the feelings I felt. Ways which made me dance anxiously around others, determined not to let them know "how I was really doing". And that didn't exactly go "as normal" today either.

I worked with one guy today, and despite his lack of emotional availability or any other reason to not share, I shared some random personal things today while riding around. I just did.

I shared for me. I heard me. He may not have heard me, or listened while I spoke. But shortly after that, I knew I was trying to hand responsibility of me and my decisions over to him. I couldn't deny it. Almost anytime I'm around a "brother figure" and am anxious, I try to re-enact my relationship with my older brother, who I leaned on primarily when younger. I was looking for the way in (to an old relationship with my brother), and he never opened the door.

I know now I became a bit angry (not vocally), and I tried to deny it throughout the day. I would have numbed out.....but instead I felt a small bitterness which I've not owned in YEARS. I am realizing this more now since denial was my game today. I grew up thinking anger was BAD, so I've swallowed it.

Exhausted. Trying to repeat today's events and remembering feelings is emotionally exhausting--for denial is emotionally draining.

So, SE 5.5 is cleaning me out. One step at a time. One day at a time.


I'm also nervous/scared about other's reactions to additional loops. Old feelings/memories surface of being "bad".

[findingme]

I'm on the verge of change, and I'm writing about it to diffuse the fears.

I've been running SE on US all weekend so far. I've felt a twinge of relief some times, but I was untrusting fully since feelings/thoughts/circumstances can change quickly. I'd feel it, want more of it, and simultaneously have thoughts, fears and doubts surface to test it.

I'm running SE also, intentionally. About 2-3 weeks back, before starting this run, I purchased MLS. I've shared how I'm readying myself and studying for my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I'd run MLS for all of 3 days. I was on a plane out of state, and I focused non-stop on my cell phone studying my CDL study guide on it. MLS really works for me.

But during that weekend I'd gone to see my daughter. I grew so resentful (barely vocalizing it), and I blew up on my daughter the last day. I came on here, creating a thread seeking help. My emotions were in haywire.

I'd had a clear moment running MLS when I just felt good, so I ran it another night. My emotional state stayed high strung (angry), so I followed a suggestion and began SE.

MLS has Overcome Procrastination in it, and I wanted to use that..........but. But I'd lose my original focus. I did for that 24 hours. Being on SE steadily since then has felt stable, like a lot of emotional dynamite was taken out. I'm staying on SE, but the productivity from MLS I am still craving.

Along the social front, I went to my Saturday night hangout last night, with mixed feelings. One friend is older, wiser, and has very few expectations. His neighbor, 20 years younger, bleeds out "VALIDATE ME! VALIDATE ME!" constantly. I never spoke it, but I realized this morning I enjoyed talking to my older friend, and I felt "needed" or obliged to constantly gratify the other guy. I feel used after, like I've been around an emotional vampire. I'll work out my changes and choices in time. I'm seeing my own needs and reactions now.

As I write, I realize I've had "expectations" that he would be more emotionally mature. Wow. That's nothing more than fantasy!

I imagine the mindset I've read about in AM journals where ignorant people could be addressed or ignored while I know what I'm going for and moving ahead with or without them. Maybe this is surfacing in SE? I'm not sure. But GUILT has kept me bound to some pretty unhealthy people at times. And SE must be changing something in me, or I'd not write so much about it. Cheers!

[ncbeareatingman]

Transforming into a butterfly requires the caterpillar to let go of being a caterpillar.

DING !!! Bonus Round !!

[findingme]

Me keeping secrets isn't good for me, so I'm sharing this.

I'm home today, having worked all week. I considered putting on MLS for the procrastination/motivation push, for housework and other things need to be done. Well, not doing it slows me down throughout the workweek.

I put on MLS, and ran it just over an hour. I did focus...........but that emotional discomfort arose. I know SE has what I call an "anti-sub-sabotage" feature, and.....I think it kicked in. I felt guilty and increasingly uncomfortable. Having experienced this same thing before, attempting to ignore it and being unable to do so, I pulled off MLS and resumed SE.

I tried to switch subs and mix them. However, I prefer peace over a known storm when pulling off or mixing the good 5.5 subs. I want to thank Shannon for putting this in.

[findingme]

I'm becoming more aware of me lying to myself once again. I felt this heavily while using Universal Detox, and it's been on and off with SE. Today, though, it's been amping up, and how I have handled it is to basically tell my thoughts before fully editing them. I rode with a driver I've known for 2 years now, and he's a pastor. We talked a lot about spiritual stuff, which I repeatedly went into, for one clear reason. (Rule 4 though).

I kept telling on myself in our conversations. I'd normally fear this.....but it actually relaxed us both since I was not being phony or expecting him to "solve my problems". Near the end of our day he complimented me--and I realized subs are making a big difference in my life. He said I talked differently today vs. when he first met me. I asked him what he meant. He said I laugh a lot more. We'd been cracking jokes all day, some on coworkers, the boss...and even ourselves.

This was a great day. It made me want to come home and soak up SE again. I'd begun my day feeling good (I'd sent my daughter some money I'd promised her) and it ended well too. This was a fun, beautiful, very good day.

[findingme]

One thing I told my coworker was how I used to view the boss. I shared I'd given him so much power, like he was a persecutor and all the workers, me included, were all victims. Amidst all the laughing we'd been doing, he asked quietly, "why?" I said I'd fallen into an old known role, and he got my message. He then cried out (jokingly) "but we're VICTIMS!!!!"

This is what made me realize subs have really affected me.

[findingme]

Fear of success. Fear of responsibility. I thought about posting a new subliminal suggestion, but it's only since my emotions were hijacked about 45 minutes ago, before leaving work.

Just before leaving, I went and spoke quickly to my #2 boss, who's in charge of new drivers. Yesterday, I'd went to my neurologist to have him clear me (no seizures since 2005), and I was told I needed another test, which I've scheduled 2 weeks from now. I told my boss this info, seeking some emotional response, and his reaction had me remembering times in my professional life when, while saying "I want this", I heard repeatedly in my head "I want to fail". When he reacted, being quick to dismiss me (he was actually walking out quickly when I intercepted him), I flashed back.

Why did this affect me?

Probably, mostly, since I look at him and think of him like a father figure. I sought support.
Since failure.....was the easiest option for me--all my family's done it. Mom, one brother, the other too. Dad. All a colossal shame spiral. I've imagined it myself loads of times when discouraged.
Since failure also meant I might be alone--meaning safe. Noone knowing kept me safe (I thought).

I just don't want to go back to that. It was unbearable. I also am unsure how/where to go forward. The next step is all I have.

If it makes any sense, I have been thinking about what success means to me........for since childhood I've always relied on others to name it. I felt shame deeply about myself, so "success" brought fear of losing it, and it slowly, steadily went into images of self-destruction--drinking and isolation mostly. Me not being a drinker had me continually eyeing other people's success, or ideas of success, but fearing it. It took years, but I realized I was constantly pretending. I knew someday they'd learn that all of me felt ashamed and undesirable.

It's actually why I stayed in teaching so many years. Kids are easy to please and will quickly return whatever emotion given out to them. If I'm distant, they will be too. If I'm caring and helpful, I've witnessed it be contagious. I felt successful teaching since I could create a new atmosphere each and every day. Kids are easy to lead when they know you care about them.

But the reason I never moved beyond my (lesser) position is that.....I felt like a failure inside around other adults. I took classes, many certification classes. I just felt terrified I'd be ashamed if they really knew. I believed I was a failure and unworthy of the successes I had.

I flashed back to this today. Same feelings. A new environment.

Let's see if writing helped me. Listening to SE hybrid.

[findingme]

Clearing is happening. I wasn't looking for it today, as I was seeking the opposite: something familiar.

It happened about 30 minutes ago. I got off work earlier than normal, I went shopping, went to a gas station, then came home.

I'd had this idea to come home after shopping, then hit the library to study for my CDL. Libraries used to be a sanctuary for me, as talking is not encouraged, and millions of distractions (books, magazines, etc.) are available for me to hide out in. My plan has changed due to realizations I had in the last 30 minutes.

First off, I felt uncomfortable trying to put up my normal front while shopping. I usually try to be sweet to cashiers to make myself known, and I did, some. I felt like something/someone new was inhabiting me, and he was doing honesty checks pretty continuously. I felt a resistance rise while putting on my front, and I was not as bold as I normally am. I felt weaker than normal.

I headed to the gas station, and a truck pulled up behind me at a light. They tapped their horn, and I assumed it was a friend of mine since he rides a new white truck. I waved confusingly since i was looking in my scooter mirror (my ride), not seeing clearly, and I put complete dependence on this friend I rarely contact--I did this, automatically.

What shook me was the truck pulled behind me in the gas station, and it was a girl driving. I felt ashamed/unimportant......and I wanted to not be there. I ignored her purposely, and I realized a guy was riding shotgun when I left the station. I resumed to belittle myself.

I came home wanting to hide. I'd really wanted a brother figure, my heart and hope went there, and I was shaken.

I felt like I lost control, again. I look for others to esteem me often, I JUMPED on it today, and.....it is gone.

I'm trying to piece this together with the sub's affects. I've held to this image, this thought of someone else giving me value. I've done it my whole life. Has it worked? 20 minutes over here, 3 minutes there, a minute there..............not much. It takes a lot of work on my part to get some return from others. I'm sure it's not working FOR me.

And Shannon put this on the UD sales page.
"Universal Detox also includes a healing and clearing component, which will activate if there is anything that stands in the way of the program executing. In other words, if some part of you does not want to cooperate, the program is designed to get you to try to heal and clear the reason so you can execute it and achieve its goals."

I asked Shannon if these components were in SE, and he said yes. I truly believe my beliefs are being challenged, and changed. I've been resisting, and I'm facing a strong force. I'm not sure where it's going, but......it's going. Daily, it is going.

I'm actually very grateful this is active. I'd be seeking/searching/grasping for esteem everywhere. Or feeling like a failure in not achieving it. However, I am being corrected in the moment, and that is a real gift.

[ncbeareatingman]

Awesome Posts FindingMe! I'm really wrestling with which one of this Dynamo's to start with...Positive Thinking,Positive Attitude( of which I feel will really detox me,emotionally and energetically-need it after all I've been thru in the last year or more!) and "inject" me with new levels of confidence,awareness and possibilities...then there's Up grading one's self image and self esteem,which including the healing & clearing,as well. what a boon of an addition to S.E. Wow!
Still a toss up...me thinks I'll be ordering one of these titles, once I've resettled in Green River Wyoming,Late April/Early May. thanx again for your honest open posts findingme!!

[findingme]

Those are encouraging words NCB! Thanks for sharing your story here. It helps me feel not so alone.

[findingme]

I miss being honest, being held up by an impassable standard, a clear goal of being honest emotionally or otherwise. This took place heavily while on UD, and I'm experiencing it to a lesser degree today. But I am feeling it.

This is important to me since it's a night and day comparison. One side creates instant anxiety for me since my biggest job is to choose the BEST LOOKING lie to fit my situation. I might have ten options. And feeling like a slimeball.....was my norm. Ugghh. This was my life.

The other side has one choice: the truth. WOW!!! All I have to do is.....be honest? I might even like myself more when being honest. While I'm used to anxiety, I feel better letting it go. I felt, and feel better, about me.

I'm missing it bad tonight. I wrote some in the Chatterbox, and the urge to be honest grew while writing. I"m not sure why. It just feels GREAT to let go of lies!!!!!