03-04-2018, 04:18 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2018, 04:21 PM by DarthXedonias.)
Hopefully this will be a informative report and I will try my best to describe what I feel is going on. Do bare with me seeing as it is taking a lot out of me even to just write this post, of which I will describe later why. If I had to to use a word to describe best how this whole week has been going it would be "chaos".
Well, I tried ultrasonic but didn't notice much from it. Though I did still notice a kind of "avoidance" response to listening to the sub. The thought of listening to it brings up fear and anxiety. So, I decided to try to tough it out and go back to hybrid trickling stream (more on that later). I have noticed some things that I'm not sure are loopholes still or something else. I've noticed one thing that might be potentially used to derail things. For example, with the whole porn/masturbation thing I think my mind (the part resisting) might be using the negative emotions brought up for its advantage. I know for example on one occasion (possibly more) that I would have these times where I'm angry and I would just keep focusing and thinking about things that increase the anger, rage, or hatred I was feeling at the time. It was like I was just in this focused state that kept on trying to build up that emotion. It then reached some tipping point where I would end up watching porn or masturbating as a consequence. It was like I was getting to a point where I was so steep in that emotion that I couldn't be reasoned with and I would practically say, "This shit ain't working" and proceed to do what the program is trying to get me not to do.
Distraction is another thing I have noticed. When I had grown the resolve to go back to hybrid last night I noticed my mind started to wonder. It wasn't fantasizing but something else I have done in the past. I would sometimes think on a issue (political, economics, philosophy, etc) and sometimes I would go down these rabbit holes of thoughts that would go on for hours. I stopped after like about 30 mins after I thought, "Wait, how did I get to thinking about this" and realized I should be listening to the sub already. That's when I realized this was probably a distraction technique. Think on something that would be perceived as "important" to the point that you forget about what you are suppose to be doing now.
One other thing is that I get this feeling that the part that is strongly resist subconscious is trying to get me to resist consciously as well. I will get these random thoughts sometimes. Yesterday for example I got this random compulsion to want to consciously resist the sub and then I stopped thinking like that and wondered "where did that come from?". On top of that there has been external shit going on that has just added to the general Chaos going on inside my mind. I don't want to make it seem like the world revolves around me but I can't help but have this feeling (similar to 3.01 and 3.1) that the part of me resisting is manifesting events that cause chaos in order to give an excuse to keep the status quo.
During this week i was alerted to that my mother got admitted to a hospital on her trip to Portugal. Apparently, her blood pressure started acting up so she went to the hospital over there. This somehow ended up with it turning into a extended visit and her being drugged up to the point that she can barely form sentences or remember certain people. We are trying to get her released from there so she can take the flight back home. Unfortunately this around the same time her part of the rent is due, though luckily I was able to talk inform the landlord and they were understanding about the situation. On top of that I found out my brother's apartment burned down that same day. He lost everything in the fire except for his cat. This has somewhat added to the general chaos of emotions I'm feeling right now.
Also I've been questioning the whole idea of do I even believer in "love" to begin with. Based on what I've reported before anyone can guess that I have not had the best past with that concept. Even with my own family members I'm very distant with mostly due to them being very toxic (even though current events are still affecting me to some degree in the anxiety department). Its like when I end a phone conversation with them and they say "I love you" all I feel is emptiness. They just feel like empty words to me. I've only just now realized this somewhat during the emotions coming up during this sub run.
In other news I switch to hybrid last night and got instant resistance. All sorts of negative emotions and negative thoughts. Lucky for me I went to sleep soon after and got multiple dreams through out. This version seems to consistently produce dreams for me. As usual after I wake up I feel some peace for about anywhere from 1 hour to 2 hours then I'm right back at feeling constant anxiety, frustration, anger, and hate. This brings us to my final point which is this post. The negative emotions came back up as soon as I even contemplated writing this post. I don't know why but I felt this strong compulsion not to write this for some reason. I've literally spent a good chunk of time writing this because the high degree of emotions is impairing my ability to to coherently think at the moment. Its taking me time to even type a few sentences.
One last thing I almost forgot. I don't know how or why but I felt some TID type experience last night at around 10-12 am PST time. I know what it was because TID has a particular feeling in my brain when it happens. I did manage to get a little time of peace due to that. The only thing I can think of is either this is from (1) version A of 3.2, or (3) 3.3. Even though this was about 3 hours or so from when I started 3.2 B hybrid again I don't think it was from that.
To summarize though, to be completely honest, I feel like I've been drowning in a see of negative emotions this entire week and I don't have an life jacket. I will hopefully keep on pushing through but the shit storm going on right now both inside my mind and outside my head is making this very difficult. -Edit- Almost forgot. Been having major aversion to being in public. I literally been in hermit mode for some reason. When I go out even just to eat it I get this strong compulsion to leave because I don't want to be around anyone and feel this wave of anxiety.
Well, I tried ultrasonic but didn't notice much from it. Though I did still notice a kind of "avoidance" response to listening to the sub. The thought of listening to it brings up fear and anxiety. So, I decided to try to tough it out and go back to hybrid trickling stream (more on that later). I have noticed some things that I'm not sure are loopholes still or something else. I've noticed one thing that might be potentially used to derail things. For example, with the whole porn/masturbation thing I think my mind (the part resisting) might be using the negative emotions brought up for its advantage. I know for example on one occasion (possibly more) that I would have these times where I'm angry and I would just keep focusing and thinking about things that increase the anger, rage, or hatred I was feeling at the time. It was like I was just in this focused state that kept on trying to build up that emotion. It then reached some tipping point where I would end up watching porn or masturbating as a consequence. It was like I was getting to a point where I was so steep in that emotion that I couldn't be reasoned with and I would practically say, "This shit ain't working" and proceed to do what the program is trying to get me not to do.
Distraction is another thing I have noticed. When I had grown the resolve to go back to hybrid last night I noticed my mind started to wonder. It wasn't fantasizing but something else I have done in the past. I would sometimes think on a issue (political, economics, philosophy, etc) and sometimes I would go down these rabbit holes of thoughts that would go on for hours. I stopped after like about 30 mins after I thought, "Wait, how did I get to thinking about this" and realized I should be listening to the sub already. That's when I realized this was probably a distraction technique. Think on something that would be perceived as "important" to the point that you forget about what you are suppose to be doing now.
One other thing is that I get this feeling that the part that is strongly resist subconscious is trying to get me to resist consciously as well. I will get these random thoughts sometimes. Yesterday for example I got this random compulsion to want to consciously resist the sub and then I stopped thinking like that and wondered "where did that come from?". On top of that there has been external shit going on that has just added to the general Chaos going on inside my mind. I don't want to make it seem like the world revolves around me but I can't help but have this feeling (similar to 3.01 and 3.1) that the part of me resisting is manifesting events that cause chaos in order to give an excuse to keep the status quo.
During this week i was alerted to that my mother got admitted to a hospital on her trip to Portugal. Apparently, her blood pressure started acting up so she went to the hospital over there. This somehow ended up with it turning into a extended visit and her being drugged up to the point that she can barely form sentences or remember certain people. We are trying to get her released from there so she can take the flight back home. Unfortunately this around the same time her part of the rent is due, though luckily I was able to talk inform the landlord and they were understanding about the situation. On top of that I found out my brother's apartment burned down that same day. He lost everything in the fire except for his cat. This has somewhat added to the general chaos of emotions I'm feeling right now.
Also I've been questioning the whole idea of do I even believer in "love" to begin with. Based on what I've reported before anyone can guess that I have not had the best past with that concept. Even with my own family members I'm very distant with mostly due to them being very toxic (even though current events are still affecting me to some degree in the anxiety department). Its like when I end a phone conversation with them and they say "I love you" all I feel is emptiness. They just feel like empty words to me. I've only just now realized this somewhat during the emotions coming up during this sub run.
In other news I switch to hybrid last night and got instant resistance. All sorts of negative emotions and negative thoughts. Lucky for me I went to sleep soon after and got multiple dreams through out. This version seems to consistently produce dreams for me. As usual after I wake up I feel some peace for about anywhere from 1 hour to 2 hours then I'm right back at feeling constant anxiety, frustration, anger, and hate. This brings us to my final point which is this post. The negative emotions came back up as soon as I even contemplated writing this post. I don't know why but I felt this strong compulsion not to write this for some reason. I've literally spent a good chunk of time writing this because the high degree of emotions is impairing my ability to to coherently think at the moment. Its taking me time to even type a few sentences.
One last thing I almost forgot. I don't know how or why but I felt some TID type experience last night at around 10-12 am PST time. I know what it was because TID has a particular feeling in my brain when it happens. I did manage to get a little time of peace due to that. The only thing I can think of is either this is from (1) version A of 3.2, or (3) 3.3. Even though this was about 3 hours or so from when I started 3.2 B hybrid again I don't think it was from that.
To summarize though, to be completely honest, I feel like I've been drowning in a see of negative emotions this entire week and I don't have an life jacket. I will hopefully keep on pushing through but the shit storm going on right now both inside my mind and outside my head is making this very difficult. -Edit- Almost forgot. Been having major aversion to being in public. I literally been in hermit mode for some reason. When I go out even just to eat it I get this strong compulsion to leave because I don't want to be around anyone and feel this wave of anxiety.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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