02-27-2018, 01:59 PM
I've been waiting a while to see if I should type this post and have finally decided to do so. I decided since any feed back I give might help with the production of the sub to help people who might have high amounts of trauma like myself. This will be a long post and it will go into a lot of personal details but since I'm kind of anonymous on here I don't care as much. If Shannon can use this data to better the program then I will consider this helpful.
First off I will say the first day was decent and uneventful for the most part. I got more respect from men but not much from women. Didn't really feel the aura firing or anything. I did test something out after my first use to confirm something that I think Shannon wanted to know. If the wall makes the person have to execute now for "Don't tell me what to do" personality types or not. Well, from what I saw I didn't experience any Bloom effect so I think I can safely guess that those types of personalities are forced to listen due to the wall and can't "put it off" for later like they usually do. I definitely noticed the watching porn, masturbating, and fantasizing were off the table. Basically it felt like something was blocking me from even doing anything like that. The second day was uneventful as well and didn't go out as much though a few hours after my loops I noticed that I got real down.
For full disclosure I am somewhat similar to Raykon in that in the past I have had used "call girls". I had used them at the time because I felt like I could actually try to get some experience. The thing is though I had always thought about using them for a while just to experience sex but never really got to using them til 3.01 was out I believe. I had seen 2 girls over the weekend but both times noticed I was unable to orgasm at all. I would just not be interested enough or just go limp and remain this way. This was over the course of 2 hours each time. Obviously, this doesn't go with really trying to out the program but I feel like I need to disclose this info because these events along with my thoughts over the last few days have made me realize something major that is holding me back. I think I "might" know what is going on in my head and I think its that my mind has made a very bad connection.
I believe my mind sees a connection between being vulnerable/intimate with a woman and "Death". In order to explain this I'm going to have to go into a little bit more detail about my past. Its kind of hard for me to type this so I just ask that people be respectful if they have anything to say. As some of you know I was in the military and suffered a lot of abuse aimed at me by people over me or my peers. Due to this I contemplated Suicide like 3 different times (The second time didn't last as long as I was able to pull myself out of it quickly thankfully). What I didn't tell you was that the 2 times where it was the worst was at the hands of females. The first time was so bad that after the event for months I literally would be shouting angry and hateful things in my sleep every night or every other night to the point that the person I was living with could hear me and I would wake him up. I literally had PTSD at this point though I didn't know it at the time.
The female who caused the first incident just avoided me for the most part afterwards and when confronted about what she did she just made excuse after excuse about what happened. no actual apology (I was the one that had to talk first btw). The second female was pretty much the same. Avoided me and was even laughing at the fact that she made me close to committing suicide with a High ranking chief I worked with (He was a type "A" personality, so not exactly high on empathy). At the time I was just wondering what type of a monster do you have to be to think its funny to almost make someone commit suicide? Soon after this I got discharged which btw wasn't medical. I signed the paper work under adjustment disorder though I know for a fact the medical guy "knew" I had PTSD (Seeing as I had the symptoms for close to a year) but since the military doesn't want to "pay" for former damaged soldiers they try to call it adjustment disorder because that isn't a medical condition.
Of course when I found out what I really had I felt used and abused. Basically, they want to use you but as soon they can't use anymore you are tossed at the first opportunity. I had already experienced this much in my school years. People only talking to me when they "want" something from me then when I'm not needed anymore I am tossed away like I'm some kind of broken utility. Originally, I had joined the military for a sense of comradely (also to pay for college) but found more of the same. I think it was due to these experiences I just generally came to distrust people in general and always assumed they had a ulterior motive. One could say at that point I had accepted a reality where all people just use others heartlessly.
As you can probably tell from the story above I think due to this that I especially have a mistrust of females. I think this is where my subconscious gets the idea of females are dangerous, untrustworthy and not worth it. I think it has this anger and hatred direct towards them as well which is where all these feelings the sub is bringing up comes from. Based on previous experiences, the fact that I was so close to death and the catalyst was mainly due to females that it has made a connection that to be vulnerable/intimate with a female= inviting the same situation= therefore death. I came to this realization because I was so down I missed 2 days already and then Sunday night the same Suicidal thoughts started coming up. It was so bad that literally I laid in bed and thought about word "death" for like a minute straight.
At this point it felt like the sub was "suppressing" that stuff and was kind of at stalemate when I was awake but when I was asleep it would kind of get the upper hand. Problem is when I would wake up I would generally feel good for about 2 hours or so but then the old stuff would come up again and I would be back at a stalemate. On that topic, I've been sleeping a lot more than usual and have been having this tiredness that others have mentioned.
On another note I do think I realize where some of my other distrust of people, mainly society at large comes from. I think Superman mentioned this in his journal. Basically I was sold the lie most of my life that women are these pure and innocent human beings that can almost do no wrong. I was told to be respectful and nice and you would get a woman. Over and over again I got used or ignored. Then that stuff in the military happened and that idea that society tired to feed me was shattered. I saw it as a complete and utter lie. Therefore I just gained this intense distrust of people and their motives.
I even had this played out in a dream I had due to 3.2 B. It was like some dream like game of thrones in a way. Some princess was getting married but I knew she had some feelings for me. At the wedding she choked at the "I do" part and it was blamed on some superstition. That some fairy like thing causes that to happen. So everyone goes searching around the castle for this thing. Me and the bride hang out at the top of the castle but hearing someone coming. We decided to hang out on this ledge with me supporting her outside the windows while the maids are looking around because we thought it wouldn't look good if they saw us together. Unfortunely, they stay by the windows too long and I'm starting get really tired and we might fall. She starts moving a bit, I tell her to stop but she keeps doing it. Eventually I see she makes it so she can support herself on something else and tells me to let go. I actually interpret this at the time as in she tells me I can let go and grab on to something else so I don't fall. When I wake up I am literally tensed up, straining my muscles in the same way I was on the ledge.
At the time I thought "wow, she actually did something to really help me out" and I thought this meant something might have been cleared. Only thing is like 2 hours later I start questioning all that. What if she was only doing it to save herself. What if she was only saying "you can let go now" to say I'm safe now and you don't matter at all. It seemed I was back at a stalemate again on that front. It just seems like my mind thinks that getting to a point where I fulfill the goals of the program is akin to putting myself in a position where I might potentially die.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough. I might only leave this post up for a few days, I'm not sure yet. Quite honestly, I don't like dwelling on this stuff and bringing it up for that matter but I know it might help make the product better. I'm going to try to get back on the sub tonight but I will fully admit I have some "fear". I really don't want to get back to a repeat of Sunday night where I start having those "thoughts". I will keep going for as long as I can but if I get to that point again I might just have to stop til the healing version comes out. I think if it gets to that point this trauma can't be worked around it needs to be healed. It might be a slower method but I'm ok with this.
Shannon, do you have any advice on how to deal with a situation like this? If I decide to continue with part B is there anything you would recommend I do if any of these feelings come up? It just feels like all the anger, rage, and hate is all consuming at times and directed at everyone.
First off I will say the first day was decent and uneventful for the most part. I got more respect from men but not much from women. Didn't really feel the aura firing or anything. I did test something out after my first use to confirm something that I think Shannon wanted to know. If the wall makes the person have to execute now for "Don't tell me what to do" personality types or not. Well, from what I saw I didn't experience any Bloom effect so I think I can safely guess that those types of personalities are forced to listen due to the wall and can't "put it off" for later like they usually do. I definitely noticed the watching porn, masturbating, and fantasizing were off the table. Basically it felt like something was blocking me from even doing anything like that. The second day was uneventful as well and didn't go out as much though a few hours after my loops I noticed that I got real down.
For full disclosure I am somewhat similar to Raykon in that in the past I have had used "call girls". I had used them at the time because I felt like I could actually try to get some experience. The thing is though I had always thought about using them for a while just to experience sex but never really got to using them til 3.01 was out I believe. I had seen 2 girls over the weekend but both times noticed I was unable to orgasm at all. I would just not be interested enough or just go limp and remain this way. This was over the course of 2 hours each time. Obviously, this doesn't go with really trying to out the program but I feel like I need to disclose this info because these events along with my thoughts over the last few days have made me realize something major that is holding me back. I think I "might" know what is going on in my head and I think its that my mind has made a very bad connection.
I believe my mind sees a connection between being vulnerable/intimate with a woman and "Death". In order to explain this I'm going to have to go into a little bit more detail about my past. Its kind of hard for me to type this so I just ask that people be respectful if they have anything to say. As some of you know I was in the military and suffered a lot of abuse aimed at me by people over me or my peers. Due to this I contemplated Suicide like 3 different times (The second time didn't last as long as I was able to pull myself out of it quickly thankfully). What I didn't tell you was that the 2 times where it was the worst was at the hands of females. The first time was so bad that after the event for months I literally would be shouting angry and hateful things in my sleep every night or every other night to the point that the person I was living with could hear me and I would wake him up. I literally had PTSD at this point though I didn't know it at the time.
The female who caused the first incident just avoided me for the most part afterwards and when confronted about what she did she just made excuse after excuse about what happened. no actual apology (I was the one that had to talk first btw). The second female was pretty much the same. Avoided me and was even laughing at the fact that she made me close to committing suicide with a High ranking chief I worked with (He was a type "A" personality, so not exactly high on empathy). At the time I was just wondering what type of a monster do you have to be to think its funny to almost make someone commit suicide? Soon after this I got discharged which btw wasn't medical. I signed the paper work under adjustment disorder though I know for a fact the medical guy "knew" I had PTSD (Seeing as I had the symptoms for close to a year) but since the military doesn't want to "pay" for former damaged soldiers they try to call it adjustment disorder because that isn't a medical condition.
Of course when I found out what I really had I felt used and abused. Basically, they want to use you but as soon they can't use anymore you are tossed at the first opportunity. I had already experienced this much in my school years. People only talking to me when they "want" something from me then when I'm not needed anymore I am tossed away like I'm some kind of broken utility. Originally, I had joined the military for a sense of comradely (also to pay for college) but found more of the same. I think it was due to these experiences I just generally came to distrust people in general and always assumed they had a ulterior motive. One could say at that point I had accepted a reality where all people just use others heartlessly.
As you can probably tell from the story above I think due to this that I especially have a mistrust of females. I think this is where my subconscious gets the idea of females are dangerous, untrustworthy and not worth it. I think it has this anger and hatred direct towards them as well which is where all these feelings the sub is bringing up comes from. Based on previous experiences, the fact that I was so close to death and the catalyst was mainly due to females that it has made a connection that to be vulnerable/intimate with a female= inviting the same situation= therefore death. I came to this realization because I was so down I missed 2 days already and then Sunday night the same Suicidal thoughts started coming up. It was so bad that literally I laid in bed and thought about word "death" for like a minute straight.
At this point it felt like the sub was "suppressing" that stuff and was kind of at stalemate when I was awake but when I was asleep it would kind of get the upper hand. Problem is when I would wake up I would generally feel good for about 2 hours or so but then the old stuff would come up again and I would be back at a stalemate. On that topic, I've been sleeping a lot more than usual and have been having this tiredness that others have mentioned.
On another note I do think I realize where some of my other distrust of people, mainly society at large comes from. I think Superman mentioned this in his journal. Basically I was sold the lie most of my life that women are these pure and innocent human beings that can almost do no wrong. I was told to be respectful and nice and you would get a woman. Over and over again I got used or ignored. Then that stuff in the military happened and that idea that society tired to feed me was shattered. I saw it as a complete and utter lie. Therefore I just gained this intense distrust of people and their motives.
I even had this played out in a dream I had due to 3.2 B. It was like some dream like game of thrones in a way. Some princess was getting married but I knew she had some feelings for me. At the wedding she choked at the "I do" part and it was blamed on some superstition. That some fairy like thing causes that to happen. So everyone goes searching around the castle for this thing. Me and the bride hang out at the top of the castle but hearing someone coming. We decided to hang out on this ledge with me supporting her outside the windows while the maids are looking around because we thought it wouldn't look good if they saw us together. Unfortunely, they stay by the windows too long and I'm starting get really tired and we might fall. She starts moving a bit, I tell her to stop but she keeps doing it. Eventually I see she makes it so she can support herself on something else and tells me to let go. I actually interpret this at the time as in she tells me I can let go and grab on to something else so I don't fall. When I wake up I am literally tensed up, straining my muscles in the same way I was on the ledge.
At the time I thought "wow, she actually did something to really help me out" and I thought this meant something might have been cleared. Only thing is like 2 hours later I start questioning all that. What if she was only doing it to save herself. What if she was only saying "you can let go now" to say I'm safe now and you don't matter at all. It seemed I was back at a stalemate again on that front. It just seems like my mind thinks that getting to a point where I fulfill the goals of the program is akin to putting myself in a position where I might potentially die.
Anyway, this has gone on long enough. I might only leave this post up for a few days, I'm not sure yet. Quite honestly, I don't like dwelling on this stuff and bringing it up for that matter but I know it might help make the product better. I'm going to try to get back on the sub tonight but I will fully admit I have some "fear". I really don't want to get back to a repeat of Sunday night where I start having those "thoughts". I will keep going for as long as I can but if I get to that point again I might just have to stop til the healing version comes out. I think if it gets to that point this trauma can't be worked around it needs to be healed. It might be a slower method but I'm ok with this.
Shannon, do you have any advice on how to deal with a situation like this? If I decide to continue with part B is there anything you would recommend I do if any of these feelings come up? It just feels like all the anger, rage, and hate is all consuming at times and directed at everyone.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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