02-06-2018, 09:42 AM
Okay some interesting things are happening so I'm writing this update next to my weekly updates.
So here we go:
Past 5 days have been horrible, it started 5 days ago when I got this feeling of doom over me, like something really bad was about to happen, but there was no rational explanation for this in the outside world. I was also getting really negative, constantly complaining and being in a low mood. Even though everything in the outside world was actually going pretty good. I figured this might be the sub.
Then last weekend, I was working with a new colleague on the team and he was constantly putting me down and making jokes to make fun of me. Somehow this is a pattern throughout my life and it's probably one of the most triggering things for me. When I was a child my siblings had this same attitude towards me, making fun of me like I didn't belong or wasn't worthy enough. A lot of my (old) friends got this role towards me, putting me down and making fun of me without respect, cause they know (subconsciously) I resonate with it so much. Most of my friends now don't do that anymore so I figured I must grown over it and it's not longer a pattern, since I don't attract it so much anymore into my life.
But this guy just brought all that stuff up and made me feel absolutely worthless afterwards, I stayed inside for 3 days, being very low and feeling bad about myself. This is the first time in a long long time that I felt so emotional and worthless. I couldn't stand up for myself because I don't want to make it all serious and tell him to *** off, since my boss is sitting next to me. Somehow other people can stay relaxed and it doesn't seem to bother them much when other people are making fun of them or are putting them down. This makes the other person no longer inclined to do so, since it doesn't create much of a feedback loop. For me it's hell and It makes me feel really bad about myself. When somebody purposely puts me down, I feel this stinging feeling and overreact emotionally. This in turn causes the other person to notice this, and so a role-playing game is established. At least that's what it feels like.
So at the moment my self-esteem is through the drain, it feels like the sub has brought this stuff to my attention, because it needs attention, since it stands in the way of becoming a person with a good amount of self-esteem. This is my logical explanation of it all.
But I'm feeling lost and don't know what to do with it. Will the sub take care of this and I can just sit back and sit through this stuff until this whole emotional pattern gets transformed and healed?
Or do I need to put some of my own effort in it. Like actively working with this issue? And how would I do that? Any ideas?
So here we go:
Past 5 days have been horrible, it started 5 days ago when I got this feeling of doom over me, like something really bad was about to happen, but there was no rational explanation for this in the outside world. I was also getting really negative, constantly complaining and being in a low mood. Even though everything in the outside world was actually going pretty good. I figured this might be the sub.
Then last weekend, I was working with a new colleague on the team and he was constantly putting me down and making jokes to make fun of me. Somehow this is a pattern throughout my life and it's probably one of the most triggering things for me. When I was a child my siblings had this same attitude towards me, making fun of me like I didn't belong or wasn't worthy enough. A lot of my (old) friends got this role towards me, putting me down and making fun of me without respect, cause they know (subconsciously) I resonate with it so much. Most of my friends now don't do that anymore so I figured I must grown over it and it's not longer a pattern, since I don't attract it so much anymore into my life.
But this guy just brought all that stuff up and made me feel absolutely worthless afterwards, I stayed inside for 3 days, being very low and feeling bad about myself. This is the first time in a long long time that I felt so emotional and worthless. I couldn't stand up for myself because I don't want to make it all serious and tell him to *** off, since my boss is sitting next to me. Somehow other people can stay relaxed and it doesn't seem to bother them much when other people are making fun of them or are putting them down. This makes the other person no longer inclined to do so, since it doesn't create much of a feedback loop. For me it's hell and It makes me feel really bad about myself. When somebody purposely puts me down, I feel this stinging feeling and overreact emotionally. This in turn causes the other person to notice this, and so a role-playing game is established. At least that's what it feels like.
So at the moment my self-esteem is through the drain, it feels like the sub has brought this stuff to my attention, because it needs attention, since it stands in the way of becoming a person with a good amount of self-esteem. This is my logical explanation of it all.
But I'm feeling lost and don't know what to do with it. Will the sub take care of this and I can just sit back and sit through this stuff until this whole emotional pattern gets transformed and healed?
Or do I need to put some of my own effort in it. Like actively working with this issue? And how would I do that? Any ideas?
