Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

OK, I think its been time for a update not to mention I have found out a lot of things. For transparency I did do another experiment with a research chemical that did really help dig through a lot of resistance a few days ago. Anyway, other than that I did come to realizations about whats going on and got confirmations on a few suspicions I had. This will be a long post so bare with and I would appreciate some feed back if possible. Anyway, shortly after my last post stuff went to hell and my subconscious started implementing "run away" Strategy hardcore. I've been on 2 blooming stages since last post, both of which weren't planned (though I will still take responsibility for my actions). Basically a recurring thing that would happen is that I would think about running the sub for the day and then automatically I would get distracted (by something that wouldn't be all that important in my opinion. In other words it felt like this: "well, guess I better do my loops for today,-- oh look a penny!!!".

Kinda of lame but what I noticed even more about these incidents is that after I would get distracted the thought of the run the sub would not even enter my conscious awareness, until the day is pretty much gone. I find this strange because I remember on 5G the thought of getting my hours in would be a constant thing. I have the feeling that my subconscious really does feel threaten by 3.01 and more so by 3.1 (more on that later). I'm realizing that my subconscious doesn't have the ability to stonewall so it only has 2 choices: (1) Run away or (2) if I run it long enough, actually succeed in executing the script. It seems it is choosing to "run away" so to counter this for 3.1 I think I'm going to have a set time where I play the sub no matter what.

Another thing I have noticed is that the nausea has gotten more worse and frequent with one caveat, it happens almost 90% of the time when I eat at work. For background information I work at a theater but that theater is located at a mall where obviously there are a lot of women around. What I think is happen is when I eat automatically it wants to use that energy for the aura but it resists. So I trigger the "discomfort resistance" script and this for me seems to be nausea at the moment. I've actually had to ask to get sent home earlier from work a couple of times because it has gotten pretty bad. So, I guess I'm in the don't want to execute the script so I execute the resistance part of the script.

The other thing, which I have had suspicions about for a while, is that every time I get close to breaking through towards external results my subconscious has sabotaged this by using some of the techniques in the script (Aura/manifestations) to bring about events that help reinforce the old beliefs. I got confirmation of this. That brings us to what happened yesterday. I got to work, started 30 mins early because it was a shitstorm. Two people had called off yesterday and it was really, really busy. What felt off though was that it felt like everyone wanted me to help them but when I needed help they would either (1) pretend like they didn't see it, or (2) act hostile at times. I noticed over the last couple of weeks this steadiness of people acting more and more disrespectful towards me. There is a girl (just a friend) who in particular use to always talk to me and I noticed over the last couple of weeks she has slowly withdrawn from doing that. Its like there's something i'm doing that is repelling her from even wanting to be in my presence for long. It got so bad yesterday that I was considering quitting or putting in my two weeks on Monday. I should mention at this point that since a few days ago I had started to get some pretty darn good internal results, I could still feel the old ways of thinking kinda of prowling around the edges of my consciousness kinda of just waiting for a chance to reassert themselves but they weren't the dominate thinking pattern anymore.

Anyway, with all this crap going on I started to get frustrated and angry and I stopped myself for a moment because I could feel the old beliefs trying to reassert themselves. I did eat yesterday and got the nausea again. So I got sent home early. I chatted with people on Skype for a while and then went to lay down because I felt another one of those episodes coming on. I kinda of went into a dreamlike state. It had something to do with choosing food from a vending machine, with an discount. This vending machine was weird because you had to choose from within it (It could hold several people in it). There were some girls as well but they were deciding on what to get as well and acting really valley girl dumb about it but that didn't seem to be the focus. I picked what I wanted and then it brought me up to this level that was a big room that look desert like. It had this very large cooking grill in the middle with a top to keep things smoking inside. What was particular about this BBQ grill was that it was so hot that all the rocks and stuff around it, at a certain radius, was letting off steam. I didn't put any food in it or anything. I walked around it even though i had this feeling that it wouldn't burn me. I don't know why but that grill still mesmerizes me for some reason. Its like I should know what it is but I don't. I woke up soon afterwards.

I got up and was on the computer for a little bit. Felt much better but I could still feel this war going on inside my head. I went to go lay back down and then went into another state. Now here I should mention that since that experiment a few days ago that bridge between my conscious and subconscious has gotten stronger. As in the impressions i'm getting are stronger and I will hear more of a voice response to an query I have instead of a impression in the back of my mind. Anyway, while I was laying there I don't know how it came up but while I was in this state of mind I asked, are you sabotaging me by making events happen that make me go back to the old ways of thinking. The response I got (some of it paraphrased): "yes, its for your own good. Do you remember what happened all those others times we let people in? When we let them get close. They hurts us, they betray us, they back stab us". For a while I kinda of felt weird and my thoughts went to the co-worker I used to be interested in. I noticed how there were times when, i'm guessing due to self sabotage, I would subtly reject her because I was afraid of her. I felt pretty bad for a while but then this other part of me just pushed back and said, "Your full of shit. You saying your helping us but then cause those very events to happen that hurt us in the first place. I have aspirations and goals in life but you would give that all up just so we can be "safe". I didn't get a response but I got the feeling that it was perplexed, confused, and surprised by this response.

Anyway, I think I am wising up to this game now. It seems that every time I get close a real external result breakthrough the subconscious goes: "uh oh, getting very close here to giving in. Better use something (aura/manifestation?) to bring about a event that reinforces the old beliefs". I do have to thank eternity for pointing out as well that he said he had seen this very same thing happen with people trying to stop drinking:

"Resistance to a psychic change sufficient to bring permanent sobriety manifests itself as creating chaos which the alcoholic uses as an excuse to return to drinking"

As I mentioned earlier though, it would seem my subconscious is deathly afraid of 3.1. After the above I was sitting in front of the computer and I thought about 3.1. There in the past had times where I thought about it and I would get a slight fear response. This time was very, very different. I thought about it coming out soon and I got a really big fear response. It started out pretty big and then it felt like I was getting sucked into this pit of fear. I was getting terrified for some reason. It even ran across my mind not to run it though I pushed that idea out of my head real fast. I just woke up and feel a lot better now though. So that's where I am at the moment. I start making progress then my subconscious tries to make some event to happen that regenerates the old beliefs. It feels like some kinda of ping pong match at this point.

This is absolute GOLD for me. Thank you SO much for having the courage to post this. No less than FOUR major and actionable gold nuggets in one post, when I usually am lucky to get one in 3+ months worth of posts.

By the way, the grill represents success, as seen by the fearful part of you. Cooking the food represents achieving the goals. Your subconscious fearful part is trying to scare you away from using the grill to cook the food, while another part is telling you that the heat is just an illusion.

Glad I could help in some way. Also, about the dream that would make a lot of sense now. I didn't want to go too much into the valley girls part of the dream because it seemed really weird and stupid but with your explanation it makes sense now. Apparently they were choosing what to eat, I think there were about 3-4 of these hot girls, and for some reason they got into a almost ready pie. Basically it was this giant pie that didn't have the top crust type layer on it yet. They got into it, I think it was cherry flavored, and then from somewhere above the top part fell down on them so they were encased within the pie while giggling. The pie was on a coveyer belt type thing so they got rolled to the left and I didn't see where they went. I only say this because I believe the food I choose at the end was one of those handheld pies you would buy at a gas station or corner store. So I guess, the whole point is that the fearful part of me is keeping me from putting the pie (women) into the oven (success) because of an illusion that some part of me believes is real.