Im feeling slightly trigger happy as in; dangerous. Why this surfaces IDK but this can easily become abusive in ways. It gives me also a slight thrill to allow this to come. Its like a washing over, overwhelming urge in a predatory sense. It can be a combo of indulgement, non smoking and no fap but this is definitely a switch I make now. In ways its also somewhat adrenalizing. Combination of factors. Also, if this is a stage, I let it run wild. Several scenarios do play out in my mind. To become more and more free from GSF really comes with a certain territory.
I had this also come around when my trauma came freshly to the surface, almost like a homicidal coping mechanism, pre-AM. There is power in this. No bs tolerance. Its coming in waves of jolts and powerfull surges. I still do care to much of what people think aswell as some consideration in my mind holding me in some checks. What I do realize is how its all ME. no-one else but ME. Glorious. AM is purely me and my developing in this at all. Becoming this centred soevereign leader and driven man writing and creating his own life. I have so many new questions popping up currently throwing me in some new adventure. Plunging in. Im no nice guy, I feel edgy, rather deranged and very strong in calling out unafraid to confront and if needed, become more intimidating through eye contact without breaking it.
I can't wait to have strong dreams tonight. There is still shame in my system. Had guilt coming up aswell including some tearing today out of nowhere without reason. Suprised I do actually feel.
Raw is my state today. I realize there is guilt and shame in admitting homicidal tendencies and dont need to have that GSF. Just recognizing it but tempting. Feeling it in my solar plexus.
Edit: the overwhelm is growing really strong it shuts my mind down yet simultaneously grows me in ways unseen. Its somewhat grounding and shoving me in my body. Damn, I realize now connecting with my senses and instincts and how much potential is there. The wave coning over me including the subtle homicidal shifts is massive and familiar yet molds me, shapes me, polishes me. This second run is so much more powerfull, addictive and changing me then the first. I surrender once again. I just want to grow this rapid. Dig all up, IDC, grow me. Each new perspective launches me in new ways above and beyond.
I had this also come around when my trauma came freshly to the surface, almost like a homicidal coping mechanism, pre-AM. There is power in this. No bs tolerance. Its coming in waves of jolts and powerfull surges. I still do care to much of what people think aswell as some consideration in my mind holding me in some checks. What I do realize is how its all ME. no-one else but ME. Glorious. AM is purely me and my developing in this at all. Becoming this centred soevereign leader and driven man writing and creating his own life. I have so many new questions popping up currently throwing me in some new adventure. Plunging in. Im no nice guy, I feel edgy, rather deranged and very strong in calling out unafraid to confront and if needed, become more intimidating through eye contact without breaking it.
I can't wait to have strong dreams tonight. There is still shame in my system. Had guilt coming up aswell including some tearing today out of nowhere without reason. Suprised I do actually feel.
Raw is my state today. I realize there is guilt and shame in admitting homicidal tendencies and dont need to have that GSF. Just recognizing it but tempting. Feeling it in my solar plexus.
Edit: the overwhelm is growing really strong it shuts my mind down yet simultaneously grows me in ways unseen. Its somewhat grounding and shoving me in my body. Damn, I realize now connecting with my senses and instincts and how much potential is there. The wave coning over me including the subtle homicidal shifts is massive and familiar yet molds me, shapes me, polishes me. This second run is so much more powerfull, addictive and changing me then the first. I surrender once again. I just want to grow this rapid. Dig all up, IDC, grow me. Each new perspective launches me in new ways above and beyond.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. - epictetus
