Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Ok, though I would give an update and give some much needed feedback.

Anyway, not much in the way of external results though I have noticed some women stare at times. Only like 3, 1 of them being this one good looking Arabic chick who sits in front of me during English class. Anyway, for today I tried to see what would happen if I listened to Version B while waiting and going to English class. I only noticed two things. The first was that every time I saw a woman while listening I would feel slightly "weird" for some reason. I have no better way to describe really. The second thing I noticed is the most important. While waiting for the previous class to get out, I was sitting in the hallway and the one Arabic chick sat across from me on the opposite side. I decided to try and engage the sniper consciously by thinking of some sexual situations with her or just trying to look subtly at her and get in the mood.

Yeah, emphasis on "tried to". Something was blocking me and I think I know exactly what because the thoughts in the back of my head were like "this is wrong, etc , etc" along with feelings of guilt and shame. Apparently my mothers little indoctrination of me, which I had mentioned before as 1 of 3 reasons why my subconscious isn't cooperating, is still getting in the way majorly. The idea that I should feel guilty and shameful for having these desires and expressing them. This all because she couldn't deal with her own emotional issues concerning this subject and still pushed them on me as I was growing up and even tries to occasionally do it til this day.

Before I give an example of this I will say, since I know some will be thinking this question at the end of this story, but yes I will be moving out hopefully towards the end of this semester. I came back home after my time in the navy just to finish my degree up but I think I might still finish my degree but move out after recent events. Basically, a few weeks ago while I was still actively texting the female hispanic co-worker I was talking about in earlier entries, my mother asked me if she could use my phone so she could call my niece since her phone wasn't working at the time. I said sure and then went back to surfing the net. Apparently after her phone call she saw that I got a text message and (since I don't talk to her very much and she was getting worried for some dumb reason) she opened the text log of all my conversation with that female co-worker (which had some sexual talk and inuendo involved). She then gave me my phone back then tried to "guilt and Shame" me. There was even some fear used where she tried to say that I should watch what I say because "apparently" women can get me sent to jail for texting them the wrong way.

After that I really stopped talking to her even more and still don't talk to her really unless its needed. Of course she has "tried" to apologize but her apologies seem to be insincere. Its basically apology then afterwards trying to excuse for even more mins why she did it. This has been her MO for as long as I remember, she refuses to admit fault for anything and she is always the victim. I remember one time she even said, "I'm always right and even when I'm wrong I'm right", which of course makes no logical sense what so ever but she doesn't give a damn. Shes right, your wrong that's that. If anything bad happens to her its never because of her choices its because of someone else (White people, men, conservatives, etc). Shes also one of those type of women who will say one thing (like what she believes in) then not even minutes later do something that totally contradicts what she just said. Or she will claim you said something that you never even said. Ugh, can't wait to move out of this hell hole because it feels like not only do I have co-workers who are trying to screw me over "for my own good" but I have relatives trying to keep me from progressing in life because its "out of love for me". I call BS though.

As for my observation, It still seems to be the same. I can think sexually or daydream about a woman in my "room" but as soon as I'm in public if I try to do that or actively engage the sniper I get automatically blocked from doing so. Hopefully this will change with 3.1 but I think this version has taken me as far as its going to unless I run it for like months probably.