straight up in the feels. there is so much conflict going on, so many beliefs, views and what not triggered by this, so much awareness about it all, that it'll destroys my old self completely. its close to all my beta-ness, all my inner pent up trauma and hurt and stuff and I'll own it. How I'll carried this aorund, how this realisation hits, is beyond me. Its almost straight up one on one brought cinematic.
All I wrote in this journal is old, game and the such, all beyond me, all irrelevant, it feels so far away, so old and strange to me, like watching my life while died and confused, unknown where I am. I understand starting all anew, as a new person, fully cutting ties with what I once was. dark night of the #rule4. The cry out, the expression ( which is very much blocked, making sense in going more easy about it, almost like a guidance of letting it flow/release) it puts it all in words exactly. being on the verge of death, putting my emotions in a cinematic expression, tragedy. I dont know myself anymore. I feel very harsh on myself aswell, almost like slipping into some victimhood. So much of my actions and the source from which it comes is sheds light upon, and I cant go back. fully going to the deep end of this, is what Im about now. Im done with all the happy stickering, dysfunctional acting, holding up a mask, the fears, insecurities, doubts and second guessing, the self sabotaging. I want to be loved and it hurts me straight up in the core. Im shedding tears as Im writing this, floodgates opening and it still feels like impressing and wanting validation. Shutting down my emotions is not the way, like some off switch of my humanity, even if I have had feelings of wanting to go psychopath in this run multiple times. Im at my end and there is nothing to do about it,. only releasing.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. - epictetus
