01-21-2017, 07:25 PM
Ok been a while and thought I should up date. Things were kinda of quiet for a while but I had another incident last night that revealed yet another reason why my mind doesn't want to follow the instructions and project the aura. So far the main reasons I have uncovered have been :
- Mother made feel ashamed of my own sexuality and expressing it
- After seeing various women in my career destroy other men and my experiences with them my subconscious associates them with: untrustworthy, unreliable, dangerous.
During last night "a lot" of anger and rage came up. It felt like during this time I got almost an entire spiel on another reason my subconscious won't co-operate. In order to understand this point I think so background information is needed. I don't want to tell my life story (and some of this is quite personal) but I feel I need to be transparent so that the program can be upgraded appropriately and those who have similar issues to mine might see success in upcoming versions. Some of you might remember that I shared that I use to be quite extroverted but later on became introverted due to ridicule. Well as I went over certain memories last night this came more into focus. This actually happened on two fronts.
I went to a private Junior high and High School and all throughout my time there I was mocked, ridiculed and made fun of due to my voice (I have a quite monotone voice). I was full of a class of guys who just ripped and teared each other down just so they could get there "15 mins" of fame by making everyone laugh at the expense of someone else. I noticed after a while I just stopped expressing myself much because every time I did I became the butt of a joke and was laughed at. It got bad at times that I just ate lunch by myself at times and tried to keep a low a profile as possible. Unfortunately, this didn't end at school. My mother is a career oriented woman who cared most about just that, her career. Didn't come to any of my graduations or parent - teacher meetings. She just wouldn't take off anytime no matter the reason. I was basically ignored most of the time (unless it had to do with something essential). Problem is when I did get any attention it was the negative kind (Blaming me for stuff, telling me how I had fucked up, on one occasion telling me she "hated me", etc).
So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.
Basically, my subconscious is still running on the old programming as though its still in High school and that it needs to draw as less attention to itself as possible. I got another hint of this when I felt the aura trying to project but it felt like something was "restraining" it or trying to keep it as close to my body as possible. I had thought I felt the aura projecting before but this time I was able to sense the other side of it, this idea of something trying to restrain it. I also started getting this "claustrophobic" type feeling during this time. This feeling as though I'm trying to project but the energy is being tightly restricted to my body. Anyway, that was the third reason it would seem my mind doesn't want to comply.
Might I suggest something in 3.1 that makes it so that the user cares less about the opinions of other people? I'm sure this is touched upon in someway currently but it might help if it its boosted in some way. I remember in my runs AM6 that, particularly during stage 1, that's when I would get the most interest from women. In stage 1, I would get this "I don't care about other people's opinions" type attitude and that's when I noticed the most interest. Maybe something similar could be implemented? Anyway, that's my take from what happened last night. So far, seems like 3 main reasons why my mind doesn't want to co-operate. Hope this helps with development.
- Mother made feel ashamed of my own sexuality and expressing it
- After seeing various women in my career destroy other men and my experiences with them my subconscious associates them with: untrustworthy, unreliable, dangerous.
During last night "a lot" of anger and rage came up. It felt like during this time I got almost an entire spiel on another reason my subconscious won't co-operate. In order to understand this point I think so background information is needed. I don't want to tell my life story (and some of this is quite personal) but I feel I need to be transparent so that the program can be upgraded appropriately and those who have similar issues to mine might see success in upcoming versions. Some of you might remember that I shared that I use to be quite extroverted but later on became introverted due to ridicule. Well as I went over certain memories last night this came more into focus. This actually happened on two fronts.
I went to a private Junior high and High School and all throughout my time there I was mocked, ridiculed and made fun of due to my voice (I have a quite monotone voice). I was full of a class of guys who just ripped and teared each other down just so they could get there "15 mins" of fame by making everyone laugh at the expense of someone else. I noticed after a while I just stopped expressing myself much because every time I did I became the butt of a joke and was laughed at. It got bad at times that I just ate lunch by myself at times and tried to keep a low a profile as possible. Unfortunately, this didn't end at school. My mother is a career oriented woman who cared most about just that, her career. Didn't come to any of my graduations or parent - teacher meetings. She just wouldn't take off anytime no matter the reason. I was basically ignored most of the time (unless it had to do with something essential). Problem is when I did get any attention it was the negative kind (Blaming me for stuff, telling me how I had fucked up, on one occasion telling me she "hated me", etc).
So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.
Basically, my subconscious is still running on the old programming as though its still in High school and that it needs to draw as less attention to itself as possible. I got another hint of this when I felt the aura trying to project but it felt like something was "restraining" it or trying to keep it as close to my body as possible. I had thought I felt the aura projecting before but this time I was able to sense the other side of it, this idea of something trying to restrain it. I also started getting this "claustrophobic" type feeling during this time. This feeling as though I'm trying to project but the energy is being tightly restricted to my body. Anyway, that was the third reason it would seem my mind doesn't want to comply.
Might I suggest something in 3.1 that makes it so that the user cares less about the opinions of other people? I'm sure this is touched upon in someway currently but it might help if it its boosted in some way. I remember in my runs AM6 that, particularly during stage 1, that's when I would get the most interest from women. In stage 1, I would get this "I don't care about other people's opinions" type attitude and that's when I noticed the most interest. Maybe something similar could be implemented? Anyway, that's my take from what happened last night. So far, seems like 3 main reasons why my mind doesn't want to co-operate. Hope this helps with development.
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
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