Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

ok, so pretty much healed, of PTSD anyway. I do really want to thank Shannon for this program. I actually feel normal (if not above so) now. I feel like I'm free of a lot of the guilt, shame, fear, anger, and resentment that I've had for so long. Basically what happened is shortly after my last post things got even worse. I literally felt like I was having some psychotic episode. For the next three to four hours I was in a bunch of emotional pain. When I say emotional pain I mean lots of it. I was literally in my bed or sitting while shaking and tossing and turning, holding myself, or hold my knees up to my chest or a combination of the above. I practically kept on whispering to myself "I can't, I can't, I can't" (obviously related to the sub but I don't know which part) or "no, I don't like them". This kept going on for 3 to 4 hours but then it subsided. I believe my subconscious finally gave in to the healing and clearing part of the script. After it subsided I found a few things had changed:

- The instructions had wiped away one of the things I had founded my entire life on. It was just gone and with it a lot of guilt, shame, fear, and some other beliefs related to it.

- I made peace with what happened in my past by "accepting responsibility". I admitted that I was weak back then and whether you like it or not if you keep remaining weak you get whats coming to you. Does that mean what people did to me was right? of course not but they only were able to take advantage of me because I allowed them to. In this world the strong and intelligent get what they want out of the life while those who are weak and choose to remain so live a miserable existence. It was once said "if you want peace, prepare for war". I realized if you want to face adversity without getting overwhelmed by it you need to "choose" to become strong and continue to get stronger. I was weak and choose to remain weak therefore I got what was coming to me.

- Everything that anyone told me (My mother, my stepfather, teachers at school) mean nothing to me now. I make my own choices and follow my own moral code and creed. I have forgotten what others tried to push on me (for the most part it feels) and accepted my own opinion on matters.

- I don't need anyone or anything right now. I still have goals and aspiration but I am complete in of myself. I don't need something else to complete me. Along these lines and Shannon's advice I don't really care about that woman anymore. If I want to remain friends with her later on, or she gets renewed interested, either way doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't "need" her or anyone else. I don't need others opinions or morals , I have my own. When it comes down to it my opinion regarding my life is the only one that really matters.

There are others things too but essentially I feel like a brand new person after years of dragging all this garbage around. I feel like it is here to stay as well (even though I will keep using the sub regardless) because I have come to terms with the root of causes of the issues. Mainly others can hurt me only if I allow them to hurt me. I just feel very good right now and feel like a lot of issues have fallen to the way side. I'm started to wonder if in my new state if I can run version B now successfully but I will hold off on that and run version A for a couple more weeks to cement these results. Along those lines I do realize something though. Having a version A and B is probably for the best. I ran Version A for a couple of weeks and never really noticed much. It was only after I ran B for 2 days (to bring the issues to the surface) and then ran A to clear things out did I really notice anything. Don't know if that's helpful information or not but that's what happened. Either way, I think that might be best for me though the resistance doing this method is really, really brutal.

Along with this new found me I find myself being more "selfish" as it were which is a nice kinda of pace. I come first before anyone else. If I can get a win-win situation then I will take it but if its going to be a win - lose situation expect to lose. Along with this new selfishness I have found myself not really interested in other people's stories or journeys (no offense) so I'm not as interested in the forums as much. I will probably go to only posting 1 or 2 times a week unless something major happens. I might still occasionally post on other people's threads if I'm very bored but other than that not interested. Anyway, Thanks again Shannon.