Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Thank you for the information. It will be useful in 3.1.

Glad I was able to help. There are a few things that I forgot to mention as well that have come to my attention over the weeks though I don't know if they might help. Since the last time I ran AM6 refresher I've kinda of gotten this "intuition", i guess, of whats going on internally when I think about something or a concept. Sometimes its like a little voice in the back of my head or sometimes I just a flash of feeling that coveys what I feel about the matter. Anyway, that has kind of given me a idea of some other stumbling blocks to me co-operating with the instructions.

-(1) A issue with self-trust. I don't know if the current version of DMSI deals with this but it seems to come up repeatedly. For example, If I were able to excute the script I would go for single women and maybe women who have a boyfriend (though aren't serious about them but I would never go for a married woman. Don't want to argue with anyone on this point, just the way I feel. Its partly because I have lived in a household where another guy decided to be a "homewrecker" and it didn't end nicely for my childhood. I guess my subconscious "fear" is that if I execute the script and put myself in a situation where a married woman is interested in me I won't be able to say "no". I know this is nonsense (consciously) and I should have more confidence that I will be able to to decline such a woman's offer but once again I this is a issue that my subconscious seems to not want to give up on. Its seems to want to go the "better to be safe than sorry" route and totally not comply and put myself in that kinda of situation. One could even say that its self trust along with the "fear" that if I comply with the script I will lost total control of myself (i'm one of those more logical types who is afraid of his own emotions because hes afraid of losing control and going too far).

-(2) Similar to point one, even though I would go for a girl who might currently have a boyfriend and probably dump him to be with me my subconscious seems to still have a problem with this. This one has slowly been getting to be less and less of a problem but its still there. I think its left over from my more "beta" days when I use to mostly put other's happiness before my own. In this case I think Its more of my subconscious feels that I would be unnecessarily causing her boyfriend "emotional pain" by making it so that she dumps him in order to be with me. I know this (consciously) is BS. The girlfriend has every right to dump her current boyfriend for another guy that she feels more towards just like a boyfriend has that right but at the same time this is another excuse my subconscious uses to justify not giving into the script.

I'm sure there is more but I can't think of the rest at the moment. I know these excuses are BS but it would seem like my subconscious wants to hold on to these dumb beliefs at all cost, along with the other issue I mentioned in the above post regarding my mother. The first one having to deal with self trust and the second (if I had to use some words to describe it) having to do with "not willing to compete to get what I want because I might cause who I compete against (in this case a current boyfriend) to go through emotional pain/hurt". I know these are all BS reasons and that I was just indoctrinated early to believe these things but my mind just seems to be fighting co-operating because of these BS reasons. It really makes me frustrated. I don't blame Shannon or the sub but I do blame myself (at least part of myself) for not co-operating with the script. Consciously, I'm really motivated to reach the goals of the program and turn my life around in this area but it seems like there's just a part of me that doesn't want to comply no matter what I may want consciously.

-Report for today

Not much to report for today. I'm still getting a lot of the celebrity affect but still none of the sexual affects. That part of the script is still being stonewalled. Though I might be having a breakthrough, i think. After the incident in my last post I woke up the next day feeling like I had a hangover. My mind just felt sore. Today after I finished my loops I noticed I just started to progressively get this headache (not too bad but noticeable). I also at another point I started getting these weird feelings. I couldn't pinpoint the feelings again but it just made me feel kinda of "yucky" I guess. It was a torrent of different emotions but not as weakening as last time. I think at this point my mind is really struggling to resist the instructions day by day. Hopefully it won't be too long. If not with 3.0 then hopefully 3.1.