I Ain't Happy Unless EVERYBODY'S F*CKIN'!!! -- DMSI v2.3

[Frosted]

I'm so emotionally coiled right now that I'm feeling reckless and destructive. Need that v2.4 healing to resolve these intimacy issues. I posted this on Shannon's journal, will repost here since it's relevant:

I ran DMSI to get laid. I could get laid before DMSI, relatively easy compared to some people, given the fact that I'm pretty brash and bold. For the past few years, that's all I've done. Bang and bolt. I used to pride myself on the fact that I only ever slept with women I knew I'd never have to see again.

Enter #3 (see my journal), who I'm actually crushing on. What happens? Even with v2.3 flowing through my synapses, it's like I'm incapable of being that bold person. Dawned on me that I have NO IDEA how to handle true intimacy -- anything beyond that bang and bolt. I definitely have intimacy issues that need to be dealt with -- issues that's keeping me from becoming a truly self-actualized male.

Last night's date with #3 went really well. Didn't get to bang because of logistics (we were about an hour from both our houses), but we stayed out until like 3am partying together, making out, cuddling. Wants to see me again when I get back from traveling all next week. Said she really likes me and she really wants me.

That being said...

Wtf do I feel so miserable today? Like, I'm going through SERIOUS resistance -- the depressive kind with suicidal ideation. I'm so torn right now. I hate the way this chick makes me feel. It's taking everything in me not to instinctually sabotage this budding relationship. I'm sitting here, literally hoping that she just loses interest so I can shrug and just go on as if I never met her.

Doesn't sound healthy. v2.4, with the healing, can't come fast enough.

Hang in there. You've been through much more than this, I'm sure. It's good that you are aware of what's actually going on.

You are afraid of intimacy. Ok. Time to step up and face it, no matter what happens regarding the outcome. I think people with intimacy issues are afraid of being rejected when showing their true selves and being vulnerable, rather than the facade they present.

If having sex with someone you value connecting with in an intimate way scares you, I wonder if it has anything to do with they way you perceive the outcome of your prior sexual experiences. In other words, since you bang and bolt, you're naturally afraid that will be the outcome here. You seem to be interested in a different outcome than that, and so if you believe that won't happen before you even try, "Why try at all? Just sabotage this whole ***** thing before I even get to find out! Then I won't have to face this issue and grow in some way!"

Choose growth.