Day 113
Today I'm so glad I'm using E2. The better feeling I had yesterday - went away, replaced by shait. The gf was having a pretty bad emotional breakdown (nothing to do with me), and maybe that triggered something in me or just the general mood of it drew me in. Side note: I don't mind a crying women at all anymore. When its got nothing to do with manipulating me, that is. I think its healthy (catharsis), and I'm happy she's processing.
Anyway, today was pretty sh_itty as well, lots of sadness and stuff. I've been remembering that went I went for high hours, E2 made me really happy at times - and now with low hours its just been bringing stuff up but I've been sad and miserable all the time. So I went for high hours again, and I'm gradually feeling better and better. Its like the veil of sadness is lifting and I'm feeling the positive programming of E2 again: hopefull, open, free. Right now I'm getting a new sense of what the word 'free' might mean for me, and how that'd feel. I went for a walk practicing it, and how I can just freely look at people without trying to enforce any sort of frame or hide anything or nothing like that. Just be. Had this funny thought 'I' am what I am regardless of how anyone could react to or think of me doing that - and that the two are just completely non-related. I guess I've always been mixing those things heavily. Of course, I expect to be taking a few steps back soon, as it always goes, but it is seeming hopeful.
After a bit of (understandable) pushing from her, I shared what I'm doing with E2, and some of the stuff I've been going through. I always have this habit of hiding something from people, and now I now its been bothering me. I don't want to talk about this stuff with her because I think it shows how 'weak' I am, and that might make her lose respect for me, or she might use it against me later on if we get separated. But of course what I'm doing is 100% good, right, etc., so it can only be used against me if continue to be ashamed of it. Of having weaknesses, of doing self-development so much, doing what no else does, etc. In reality, she is very very live-and-let-live, so of course it wasn't a problem at all. She got horny, actually. I would still have hangups introducing her to the forum, especially because DMSI is all the rage atm. So that's where my shame is: E2 = acceptable, good; DMSI = my dirty little secret. I also had a bit of insight into how I might want things to evolve and play out between us, but that's not for this journal.
Noticed DMSI 2.2 is out. I will be using it at some point, but I feel I'm on the right track now. Gotta refrain from reading the forum too much, except the E2 journals - that are getting better every day, btw. Awesome that people are seeing progress.
Today I'm so glad I'm using E2. The better feeling I had yesterday - went away, replaced by shait. The gf was having a pretty bad emotional breakdown (nothing to do with me), and maybe that triggered something in me or just the general mood of it drew me in. Side note: I don't mind a crying women at all anymore. When its got nothing to do with manipulating me, that is. I think its healthy (catharsis), and I'm happy she's processing.
Anyway, today was pretty sh_itty as well, lots of sadness and stuff. I've been remembering that went I went for high hours, E2 made me really happy at times - and now with low hours its just been bringing stuff up but I've been sad and miserable all the time. So I went for high hours again, and I'm gradually feeling better and better. Its like the veil of sadness is lifting and I'm feeling the positive programming of E2 again: hopefull, open, free. Right now I'm getting a new sense of what the word 'free' might mean for me, and how that'd feel. I went for a walk practicing it, and how I can just freely look at people without trying to enforce any sort of frame or hide anything or nothing like that. Just be. Had this funny thought 'I' am what I am regardless of how anyone could react to or think of me doing that - and that the two are just completely non-related. I guess I've always been mixing those things heavily. Of course, I expect to be taking a few steps back soon, as it always goes, but it is seeming hopeful.
After a bit of (understandable) pushing from her, I shared what I'm doing with E2, and some of the stuff I've been going through. I always have this habit of hiding something from people, and now I now its been bothering me. I don't want to talk about this stuff with her because I think it shows how 'weak' I am, and that might make her lose respect for me, or she might use it against me later on if we get separated. But of course what I'm doing is 100% good, right, etc., so it can only be used against me if continue to be ashamed of it. Of having weaknesses, of doing self-development so much, doing what no else does, etc. In reality, she is very very live-and-let-live, so of course it wasn't a problem at all. She got horny, actually. I would still have hangups introducing her to the forum, especially because DMSI is all the rage atm. So that's where my shame is: E2 = acceptable, good; DMSI = my dirty little secret. I also had a bit of insight into how I might want things to evolve and play out between us, but that's not for this journal.
Noticed DMSI 2.2 is out. I will be using it at some point, but I feel I'm on the right track now. Gotta refrain from reading the forum too much, except the E2 journals - that are getting better every day, btw. Awesome that people are seeing progress.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
