Thanks for the comments guys. I know there's no one else but me who can solve my questions, but perspectives help, and journaling helps.
Though 4Kingdoms, I think in that last part you're just echoing my questions back at me. I ask myself what do I want to do and where do I want to be in the future all the time. That's what most of that last post was about. And that's also exactly why this thing bothers me: because I feel it is important and urgent, yet something I can't seem to get solved. Urgent because I know not making a decision is the same as deciding to do nothing. And I can't write down my goals if I don't know what I want. And I can't spring to action if I don't have goals. And if I do nothing I feel like shit, hence the post. But I don't know how to start in the middle. Amazing though how much helping you're doing, you're definitely someone to look up to in that regard. Interesting how if I think about doing something like that, I think "no way... I'd have to give up / surrender about everything..". Useless longing towards somethings I can't even identify, and then this feeling of wanting to hold on to, and fear of letting go of, what I've already invested so much into. And expecting anything else to require an equally large investment to get into.
I resonate with what Raz said about taking a road that is stimulating for me, but I haven't fully come to terms with it, so I can't focus it and write out specific goals to reach it. "Stimulating" as in partying all the time is not it, and maybe not even "stimulating" as in working to get really good at something myself, because there's this "what's the point" feeling. So I hesitate setting goals towards something like that, because I'll feel I'm just making up a distraction so I don't have to solve the hard question (but will have to face it eventually anyway). This is what what used to happen with the gym; I'd have a drive, a motivation to accomplish something, and then I'd just "decide" on the gym. Similar thing with women and clubs. Not saying that I'm not interested in getting laid, I'm saying the accomplishment of that doesn't fulfill me, so it can only be a side job, so to say - not the answer.
On one hand, I need to decide on something fast, because "the clock's ticking". On the other, I need to let go of this need to know the answer, because its not helping. If I don't know, then I don't know. Paradox. Realistically, the only way I'll be able to move forward to is to relax and just do something. Though that again clashes with reality, since I can't "just" try some different jobs and see what I'd like. Why? Fear of losing what I have, and the fact that its damn hard enough getting a job in the industry I actually have work experience!
If I wasn't way too afraid to do it, and I'd actually believe I could pull it off, I'd probably burn all bridges and take a break from society, just keeping myself alive somehow and doing something to focus on something other than myself. NOT as in have children, but something that wouldn't bind me so hard. Maybe then I'd be free to see what's right in front of me, or maybe that's just romanticizing.
I think the right road is towards stimulating myself in enough ways, i.e. using more of myself: both the driven, ambitious parts AND the parts that want to connect. Still far from tangible goals, though.
Oddly I can only remember 1-3 dreams on EPRHA. On OGSF I had lots of practical dreams, always with components of shame and fear that I could easily recognize afterwards. I have tension in my jaw though, feels almost like I'm grinding my teeth (which I never have).
Though 4Kingdoms, I think in that last part you're just echoing my questions back at me. I ask myself what do I want to do and where do I want to be in the future all the time. That's what most of that last post was about. And that's also exactly why this thing bothers me: because I feel it is important and urgent, yet something I can't seem to get solved. Urgent because I know not making a decision is the same as deciding to do nothing. And I can't write down my goals if I don't know what I want. And I can't spring to action if I don't have goals. And if I do nothing I feel like shit, hence the post. But I don't know how to start in the middle. Amazing though how much helping you're doing, you're definitely someone to look up to in that regard. Interesting how if I think about doing something like that, I think "no way... I'd have to give up / surrender about everything..". Useless longing towards somethings I can't even identify, and then this feeling of wanting to hold on to, and fear of letting go of, what I've already invested so much into. And expecting anything else to require an equally large investment to get into.
I resonate with what Raz said about taking a road that is stimulating for me, but I haven't fully come to terms with it, so I can't focus it and write out specific goals to reach it. "Stimulating" as in partying all the time is not it, and maybe not even "stimulating" as in working to get really good at something myself, because there's this "what's the point" feeling. So I hesitate setting goals towards something like that, because I'll feel I'm just making up a distraction so I don't have to solve the hard question (but will have to face it eventually anyway). This is what what used to happen with the gym; I'd have a drive, a motivation to accomplish something, and then I'd just "decide" on the gym. Similar thing with women and clubs. Not saying that I'm not interested in getting laid, I'm saying the accomplishment of that doesn't fulfill me, so it can only be a side job, so to say - not the answer.
On one hand, I need to decide on something fast, because "the clock's ticking". On the other, I need to let go of this need to know the answer, because its not helping. If I don't know, then I don't know. Paradox. Realistically, the only way I'll be able to move forward to is to relax and just do something. Though that again clashes with reality, since I can't "just" try some different jobs and see what I'd like. Why? Fear of losing what I have, and the fact that its damn hard enough getting a job in the industry I actually have work experience!
If I wasn't way too afraid to do it, and I'd actually believe I could pull it off, I'd probably burn all bridges and take a break from society, just keeping myself alive somehow and doing something to focus on something other than myself. NOT as in have children, but something that wouldn't bind me so hard. Maybe then I'd be free to see what's right in front of me, or maybe that's just romanticizing.
I think the right road is towards stimulating myself in enough ways, i.e. using more of myself: both the driven, ambitious parts AND the parts that want to connect. Still far from tangible goals, though.
Oddly I can only remember 1-3 dreams on EPRHA. On OGSF I had lots of practical dreams, always with components of shame and fear that I could easily recognize afterwards. I have tension in my jaw though, feels almost like I'm grinding my teeth (which I never have).
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.