04-07-2016, 12:04 PM
Day 33
Ugh. That about sums up today. Feeling gloomy and pathetic, uninspired the whole day. Thinking about the title, I'd say I feel emotionally sore. If there was a muscle or organ in my body called Emotions, I'd feel sore. Mix in a good measure of victim mentality, hopelessness and sleepiness, and you've got my day. But its just a day of course - its not that I AM hopeless, I just feel the feeling. Trust in the process, even though right now I feel pretty much the opposite of an alpha male in every sense.
The fear from yesterday is gone. I miss it. Really liked the energy and focus it gave me.
I know I need to do attachments/aversions wrt to job searching and stuff about my current work, but I've been putting it off. Too many variables and unknowns. For example, I find it hard to invest the mental effort required for my current job, because I think I should be looking for jobs that'd really move me forward and apply, which I can't because I get so wound up in thinking if I should invest the time in re-education instead, if I even want to work in this business, and what then, where do I want to live, how, and what is important to me in the grandness of it all. And then I put myself down for not actually getting anything done on any front. Well I am, but I'm not coming up with an Answer To Everything like it seems I expect of myself. Fuck it. I know its not really so difficult, this obsessive behavior is just a symptom of something. Its the lack of purpose I'm feeling that I just despise atm. So many things done just because we "should", so many relationships so shallow because we "shouldn't", and so many people thinking they're so important they're entitled to being assholes. If a cashier at a supermarket charges another person for food, then there's some use to it all. The other person gets to eat at least, maybe make a really good meal. If an office worker goes to a meeting that's of less use than a single email, a researcher works on something that's never gonna be used, an engineer designs a product that's meant to be disposable trash, or someone in administration just works to make everyone's life even harder.. there's just no gratification to it. So you gotta find something you like to do outside work, but the normal stuff doesn't have all that much going for it either. So you go to the gym, you're big. Bigger than that other guy. So you got laid this weekend. So you knit yourself an umbrella. Wonderful. Gotta try 'n collect my victories from doing something useful and not to worry about this rat race stuff.
On that note, I told Her about subs yesterday and she seemed receptive to the idea.
Chef, massage therapist, dance instructor, therapist, subliminal producer, nurse, doctor. Male escort for Independent single mothers. Yeah. Its just that knowing myself, it can't be too simple. And then at this point it can't have a specific educational requirement either. It should have an element of building something - or making something better - and that something should be useful. It should also not be all logical and immaterial, there should be something creative, something concerning or including the body, movement, senses, something humane. Honest, not too PC. And I don't think everyone can be self-help writer or blogger, it should be something more concrete than that. But then that's back to rat races. Maybe its just about the meaning you give to it yourself, and your values being included in it to a high-enough degree in some way. Got to realize that I can be of some value, in some way that uses what I've got to a fuller extent.
On that note, going to reduce journaling. Looking more forward to tomorrow already.
Ugh. That about sums up today. Feeling gloomy and pathetic, uninspired the whole day. Thinking about the title, I'd say I feel emotionally sore. If there was a muscle or organ in my body called Emotions, I'd feel sore. Mix in a good measure of victim mentality, hopelessness and sleepiness, and you've got my day. But its just a day of course - its not that I AM hopeless, I just feel the feeling. Trust in the process, even though right now I feel pretty much the opposite of an alpha male in every sense.
The fear from yesterday is gone. I miss it. Really liked the energy and focus it gave me.
I know I need to do attachments/aversions wrt to job searching and stuff about my current work, but I've been putting it off. Too many variables and unknowns. For example, I find it hard to invest the mental effort required for my current job, because I think I should be looking for jobs that'd really move me forward and apply, which I can't because I get so wound up in thinking if I should invest the time in re-education instead, if I even want to work in this business, and what then, where do I want to live, how, and what is important to me in the grandness of it all. And then I put myself down for not actually getting anything done on any front. Well I am, but I'm not coming up with an Answer To Everything like it seems I expect of myself. Fuck it. I know its not really so difficult, this obsessive behavior is just a symptom of something. Its the lack of purpose I'm feeling that I just despise atm. So many things done just because we "should", so many relationships so shallow because we "shouldn't", and so many people thinking they're so important they're entitled to being assholes. If a cashier at a supermarket charges another person for food, then there's some use to it all. The other person gets to eat at least, maybe make a really good meal. If an office worker goes to a meeting that's of less use than a single email, a researcher works on something that's never gonna be used, an engineer designs a product that's meant to be disposable trash, or someone in administration just works to make everyone's life even harder.. there's just no gratification to it. So you gotta find something you like to do outside work, but the normal stuff doesn't have all that much going for it either. So you go to the gym, you're big. Bigger than that other guy. So you got laid this weekend. So you knit yourself an umbrella. Wonderful. Gotta try 'n collect my victories from doing something useful and not to worry about this rat race stuff.
On that note, I told Her about subs yesterday and she seemed receptive to the idea.
Chef, massage therapist, dance instructor, therapist, subliminal producer, nurse, doctor. Male escort for Independent single mothers. Yeah. Its just that knowing myself, it can't be too simple. And then at this point it can't have a specific educational requirement either. It should have an element of building something - or making something better - and that something should be useful. It should also not be all logical and immaterial, there should be something creative, something concerning or including the body, movement, senses, something humane. Honest, not too PC. And I don't think everyone can be self-help writer or blogger, it should be something more concrete than that. But then that's back to rat races. Maybe its just about the meaning you give to it yourself, and your values being included in it to a high-enough degree in some way. Got to realize that I can be of some value, in some way that uses what I've got to a fuller extent.
On that note, going to reduce journaling. Looking more forward to tomorrow already.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
