04-06-2016, 05:44 AM
Well well.
Letting what I just posted sink in - that I was going to take a break from the forum, and maybe from the internet - showed me some things. If I think about not being on the computer or not thinking what to post, I have to actually do something, right, go somewhere. This brings up fear. I was just walking with this with a lot of people around me and I saw much more fear that I thought I would. In fact, I thought I wouldn't. And it really drew me into the moment and out of my head. I know realize that all that other stuff, like shame, guilt, sadness, depression, etc, I only experience because of thoughts.
My present moment is filled with fear, so I habitually distance myself. I go into 3rd person perspective, I see and feel myself acting in a way I don't like, and THEN I feel shame and think what I should better, why this and that. That's why I don't think I have fear: because I don't even experience it, because I'm not there. I'm in my head & thought, where there is no fear, there's only wanting to control and wanting approval.
But choosing to just feel the fear, I felt and feel great! I'm excited as hell and I have some adrenaline pumping in me now that I really, really like - just now I'm clapping my hands and the keyboard because I want to get something done! Happy, even.
Letting go of that fear, I'm not sure which of the two would happen: would stop escaping my experience and be much more present, or would I lose this strong focal point of fear that I can now use the anchor myself to the present, and would I then habitually drift even more into thinking because the present would hold less weight? I think the former though.
Interesting. Fuck, I like this! :)
Letting what I just posted sink in - that I was going to take a break from the forum, and maybe from the internet - showed me some things. If I think about not being on the computer or not thinking what to post, I have to actually do something, right, go somewhere. This brings up fear. I was just walking with this with a lot of people around me and I saw much more fear that I thought I would. In fact, I thought I wouldn't. And it really drew me into the moment and out of my head. I know realize that all that other stuff, like shame, guilt, sadness, depression, etc, I only experience because of thoughts.
My present moment is filled with fear, so I habitually distance myself. I go into 3rd person perspective, I see and feel myself acting in a way I don't like, and THEN I feel shame and think what I should better, why this and that. That's why I don't think I have fear: because I don't even experience it, because I'm not there. I'm in my head & thought, where there is no fear, there's only wanting to control and wanting approval.
But choosing to just feel the fear, I felt and feel great! I'm excited as hell and I have some adrenaline pumping in me now that I really, really like - just now I'm clapping my hands and the keyboard because I want to get something done! Happy, even.
Letting go of that fear, I'm not sure which of the two would happen: would stop escaping my experience and be much more present, or would I lose this strong focal point of fear that I can now use the anchor myself to the present, and would I then habitually drift even more into thinking because the present would hold less weight? I think the former though.
Interesting. Fuck, I like this! :)
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
