All that is gold does not glitter... yet! - Mateunio's Alpha Male 6 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

" In fact I noticed I've lost a lot of optimist that LTU gave me. But it's the only thing I miss."


It would appear that the "ego balancing" is doing something...

May be so. I never thought of it in this was to be honest, I assumed that I turned off LTU and that was the reason its effect fell down. But perhaps AM is doing this, making me less optimistic and more realizing how things are in reality.

Stage 2 Day 3

Short update today. Got some anxiety lately, but it's still nothing compared to stage 1. My nails took a beating (symptom of anxiety for me) and I found myself battling my thoughts last night, but it's all not bad. I find myself quite productive and listening is not tiring at all.

[Mystic Pymp]

Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour who harbor it on their own time. I am a letter written in uncertainty.

Stage 2 Day 7

Disclaimer: Today's update might be more whiny than usual. Or at least this is how I feel right now.

It hasn't been the greatest day for me ever. It was neither the opposite actually, but it was worse than usual.
*I woke up for classes two hours ahead of time even though I later learnt I didn't need to go there and I've learnt nothing new nor useful.
*At later classes I was told I don't have final note given cause I didn't write one of the tests. Of course I did and gazing upon my face my professor agreed, but I needed to go with her to her cabinet to solve the issue. Waste of time and nerve.
*I came back home I didn't have any strength. I could only lay down and sleep or watch mindlessly "The Flash" on my computer.
*I was supposed to go with my friend to social even where I could have meet like-minded people, but she was too tired and I was tired too so I passed. I won't go alone after all, right?
*Finally I went back to my parents home for a long weekend to prepare myself for a tsunami of exams to come. Sadly, this means I'm bored and alone in my sanctuary people call "room" and I got hit by memories I struggle with for years now.

I got hit but I hadn't broke. Damn, I wish I was weak and I could do stupid, silly things that rushed through my mind. I mean yes, I am weak, especially today, but I'm not weak enough. There are some things I'd want to do, but I won't cause my inner strength won't allow me. Because how would I look myself in the mirror if I failed now? Why I am listening to some silly audios and reading books, forums and gods know what else if I am to give up so easily. Neglect due to resistance or whatever you'd call it is fine, outright self-sabotage is unacceptable.

I'm starting to notice what the problem with this stage for me is. Stage 1 was very tough because it was trying to introduce me to new ideas I think and my mind resisted. Now that its dust had settled Stage 2 leaves me confused. Subconscious knows in which direction to go and it seems to try to lead me there, but it doesn't know how. Thus I feel very confused, battling my thoughts, feeling empowered and suddenly drained, having no idea what to do (or how to do them) etc. I'll give you an example in the next paragraph, but it is really unsettling position for me. I think with time it will pass and as long as I have something to focus on (my exams) I will be perfectly fine. But being fine is not an issue - getting somewhere is an issue and it seems like I wonder aimlessly right now.

And so I have a serious problem. It seems like a girl likes me :O Pretty one at that, easily dating material. She has no serious flaws to be honest: she's single, pretty, right build and height, clever but not genius, dark eyes, lives close, friendly and has good sense of humor. There are some flaws, but nobody's perfect and I don't expect ideal to come out of my brain and materialize in front of me. How do I know she likes me? Well, evidence is not direct, but there is plenty of it and I think it's safe to say there is something to it. So, where is the problem? It's not in the fact that I don't know how to contact her, she's at least once a week at my place and we write once in a while on Facebook. It's not that I'm ashamed, my other flatmate hit on her already and no shame or awkwardness came out of it.

The problem is I fear I might actually succeed. I fear having a girlfriend. But I want having a girlfriend. I have the best chance since a year if not ever and I'm blowing it cause I'm confused. I blame my past experiences, badly understood ideas form "Alpha 2.0" as well as low self confidence for that. But if this is so how come I could ask out a girl just before Christmas, during Stage 1? What has changed now? Need to think about this question some more. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself together before chance is gone.

I AM a letter written in uncertainty. How can I be certain of anything while I cannot be certain of myself?

[JJ54]

Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour who harbor it on their own time. I am a letter written in uncertainty.

Stage 2 Day 7

Disclaimer: Today's update might be more whiny than usual. Or at least this is how I feel right now.

It hasn't been the greatest day for me ever. It was neither the opposite actually, but it was worse than usual.
*I woke up for classes two hours ahead of time even though I later learnt I didn't need to go there and I've learnt nothing new nor useful.
*At later classes I was told I don't have final note given cause I didn't write one of the tests. Of course I did and gazing upon my face my professor agreed, but I needed to go with her to her cabinet to solve the issue. Waste of time and nerve.
*I came back home I didn't have any strength. I could only lay down and sleep or watch mindlessly "The Flash" on my computer.
*I was supposed to go with my friend to social even where I could have meet like-minded people, but she was too tired and I was tired too so I passed. I won't go alone after all, right?
*Finally I went back to my parents home for a long weekend to prepare myself for a tsunami of exams to come. Sadly, this means I'm bored and alone in my sanctuary people call "room" and I got hit by memories I struggle with for years now.

I got hit but I hadn't broke. Damn, I wish I was weak and I could do stupid, silly things that rushed through my mind. I mean yes, I am weak, especially today, but I'm not weak enough. There are some things I'd want to do, but I won't cause my inner strength won't allow me. Because how would I look myself in the mirror if I failed now? Why I am listening to some silly audios and reading books, forums and gods know what else if I am to give up so easily. Neglect due to resistance or whatever you'd call it is fine, outright self-sabotage is unacceptable.

I'm starting to notice what the problem with this stage for me is. Stage 1 was very tough because it was trying to introduce me to new ideas I think and my mind resisted. Now that its dust had settled Stage 2 leaves me confused. Subconscious knows in which direction to go and it seems to try to lead me there, but it doesn't know how. Thus I feel very confused, battling my thoughts, feeling empowered and suddenly drained, having no idea what to do (or how to do them) etc. I'll give you an example in the next paragraph, but it is really unsettling position for me. I think with time it will pass and as long as I have something to focus on (my exams) I will be perfectly fine. But being fine is not an issue - getting somewhere is an issue and it seems like I wonder aimlessly right now.

And so I have a serious problem. It seems like a girl likes me :O Pretty one at that, easily dating material. She has no serious flaws to be honest: she's single, pretty, right build and height, clever but not genius, dark eyes, lives close, friendly and has good sense of humor. There are some flaws, but nobody's perfect and I don't expect ideal to come out of my brain and materialize in front of me. How do I know she likes me? Well, evidence is not direct, but there is plenty of it and I think it's safe to say there is something to it. So, where is the problem? It's not in the fact that I don't know how to contact her, she's at least once a week at my place and we write once in a while on Facebook. It's not that I'm ashamed, my other flatmate hit on her already and no shame or awkwardness came out of it.

The problem is I fear I might actually succeed. I fear having a girlfriend. But I want having a girlfriend. I have the best chance since a year if not ever and I'm blowing it cause I'm confused. I blame my past experiences, badly understood ideas form "Alpha 2.0" as well as low self confidence for that. But if this is so how come I could ask out a girl just before Christmas, during Stage 1? What has changed now? Need to think about this question some more. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself together before chance is gone.

I AM a letter written in uncertainty. How can I be certain of anything while I cannot be certain of myself?

Mateunio, seems like I'm experiencing something similar to what you're dealing with. It seems like one of my friends, who I used to have a hard time trying to meet up before AM6 because she only viewed me as a friend, is now starting to show indirect signs that she's now interested since starting AM6. Indirectly, she's finding ways for me to meet up with her to help her with her studies while also asking personal questions about what all I've been up to. The thing is, as much as I would like to have her as my girlfriend, she's not my top priority right now. In fact, women in general are just not peaking my interest at the moment. It's great to see that it's definitely been improving the inner man inside of me, but now there are some opportunities with women that I'm just not feeling the need to pursue them. Well in any case, AM6 is solely designed to focus on one's inner development. So with that in mind, we just have to stay focused on getting better from within.

[Mystic Pymp]

Mateunio, seems like I'm experiencing something similar to what you're dealing with. It seems like one of my friends, who I used to have a hard time trying to meet up before AM6 because she only viewed me as a friend, is now starting to show indirect signs that she's now interested since starting AM6. Indirectly, she's finding ways for me to meet up with her to help her with her studies while also asking personal questions about what all I've been up to. The thing is, as much as I would like to have her as my girlfriend, she's not my top priority right now. In fact, women in general are just not peaking my interest at the moment. It's great to see that it's definitely been improving the inner man inside of me, but now there are some opportunities with women that I'm just not feeling the need to pursue them. Well in any case, AM6 is solely designed to focus on one's inner development. So with that in mind, we just have to stay focused on getting better from within.

Thanks for insight. I think your quite right, there are more important things to focus on. Between studying, long term plans and inner man build-up there is little time for distractions. Still, it gonna be interesting how things will develop, especially if I'll decide not to take any action.

Stage 2 Day 8

Wanted to post today because in yesterday's update I didn't mention changes brought recently and there are a few. I am much more authoritative now, people seem to listen to me and respect me more. Professor I mentioned before was very sorry for confusion even though ultimately it was caused by me. My flatmates are nicer and more respectful - when I want some rest and quite I can get it without much fight or pleading, conversation go smoother and my opinion seems to hold more weight. If it continues by the end of Stage 6 I will be head of the herd

I'm also calmer, more relaxed. While all my colleagues from my classes are stressed about the exams, I don't worry and prepare myself slowly and surely. I know I can pass them all and with good grades at that because in this area I'm sure in my abilities. I wish this confidence would appear in other areas as well.

I gained some weigh this month and I fear going to gym once exams are over is inevitable. I'm very anxious about this idea, but since it's either that or being fat the choice is simple.

[rubman]

hey! Now that you are having some luck with women dont be afraid!!

In your situation is normal, you are afraid of change and you have signs of changes... deep changes. Who could say that a women who "friendzoned" you is now interested? subliminal powa!

Keep on it. In a months time you will loose ANY interest in women. Im having recently (almost stage 4) a lot of luck in dating sites and I see myself in a lack of interest in women and dates in general. That is the subliminal working out.

If you were the old beta, you would throw yourself totally desperate at the first pretty woman wouldn't you? (I Know I did in the past).

Do not fear, but be happy and try to have some fun ... you are worrying too much about it. imagine a Jerk, what would he do? he probably wouldnt think about it for a second, because its natural to him to have women around.

Cheers.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 2 Day 14 (I think)

I said I think because I've lost my calendar there I signed where I've started this stage and I'm too tired to figure it out now. That's what you get for updating once in a week. I know this stage is to end in the middle of February, so then I'll worry about actual millage I went through.

So yeah, I'm exhausted because of exams. In times like that I regret I didn't learn stuff as time went by, but instead I woke up week before and now I have so much work to do. Situation is so bad in fact I contemplated stopping the program for a week or so before storm calms, but instead I just limited it to 8 hours during the sleep. I'll make sure to catch up in February.

As for the program it seems that there is a slow progress. Nothing phenomenal yet, but taking into consideration how my mind is all over the place now I'd not except much. I still feel a lot of confusion I've mentioned last time though. I think it'll continue through this whole stage, it's quite overwhelming.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 2 Day 24

This post might turn into an essay. Be warned.

Long time no post. And for good reason. First one and probably a trigger for second one was that I was too busy with finals to "waste" my time on reading this forum not to mention post here. Second is I stopped giving a crap about this forum. Don't get me wrong, every now and then I'd come here and read more interesting topics and this evening I've read all posts I've missed last two weeks. However I used to be obsessed about Subliminal-talk and I'd look for validation from you, fellow readers and writers. I used to look for newest clues, hottest new e-books or tapping techniques. Now it's gone. I don't know if I got tired of this forum or it's something from AM, but it's gone. I used to write because I wanted my journal to be on page one the whole time, now it dropped to page 3 and I was happy that other people are sharing so much. Now I write because I fell like having some things fall out of my chest and nothing more. This is a good thing because I no longer analyze everyday what changed (and those changes with subs are not clear) and I just live. Adventure is much more enjoyable this way.

Okay, so where to start? Oh, right, something strange happened. I won't get into details how this happened, but ultimately I was asked to go with two separate parties to the same movie this weekend. Well, almost never anyone asks me to go with them, not to mention two parties, wow! First party was my roommate, his mother and his female friend which I was dating (or rather was trying to date) last spring. Funny thing is it was her who ultimately proposed me to get along with them. Not as a date obviously, but given her character I was surprised. I said I'd think about it (and I was contemplating not to go because 1) I'd refuse in the past simply because I don't like socializing and 2) because I was afraid bad memories would come) and ultimately agreed. More on her later though. Second party was my cousin and his girlfriend. They said to go along with them and after some miscommunication (I think they though I was trying to wiggle my way out of going with them) they went for the same hour I went. So basically I ended up with going with both parties at the same time, introducing them to each other and sitting in between them. I can't recall anything like that happening before.

One of the best thing that comes out from not lurking on this forum anymore is that I no longer post "I fell good today" or otherwise posts. It's not to say that I don't have swings anymore, cause I do. I have them a lot, but I recognize it has really nothing to do with sub. People have better or worse day subs or not. I fell more bad than good however. The most important factor to that is simple - I feel like I'm not doing enough. Whether I could do more or not is another question, but facts are simple. I could have gotten better grades at the finals, I could have started lifting weights or doing cardio etc. You get the idea. Instead in most places I'm at the same place I've been 2 months back. There is this song in Polish called "Tak.. tak..to ja" which means "Yes, yes, that's me" which describes my feeling perfectly. It is basically dialog between vocalist and vocalist's ego during burst of empowerment which wants to change and is disappointed on oneself because yes, he's trying "he's best", but ultimately he spends more time "looking in the mirror" and daydreaming the changes rather than realizing them. It's like something (fear?) is blocking me, I have no idea. I don't feel hatred for myself for that because I love myself, but I fell powerful disappointment. It's not all bad though. I think confusion is slowly going away (just in time with 3/4 of the stage done!).

So I was to get back to this girl I've been with (and with 4 other people) to the cinema. Well, I don't really know what to write. There is plenty to write but little I know how to put into words. I think I know and can write with all certainty is that I have no intention of pursuing her whatsoever. The same goes for the girl I've mentioned already at the beginning of this stage. Why? Both of them are nice girls and even good girlfriend materials, but I just don't think it's a good idea. If a girl was to pursue me I'd probably indulge her and go out with her a couple of times, maybe start a relationship, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. Having a girlfriend now sounds like a living in a house without a roof or with weak foundations. I'd so much rather focus on myself at least to the end of this run and only then start doing something towards a relationship of any kind. Well, that or I will meet a girl actually worth pursuing, but that didn't happen in over 2 years now and start to wander if this kind of girl I'm looking for actually exists. I hope it does.

[Leo1990]

Funny. I read alot of people stop for validation. I dont come here for that. I come here for advice. Im no pro at this- therefore Im hear to learn.

Seeking validation =/= seeking advice

[Mystic Pymp]

Funny. I read alot of people stop for validation. I dont come here for that. I come here for advice. Im no pro at this- therefore Im hear to learn.

Seeking validation =/= seeking advice

You're absolutely right, however big part for me was validation from community. I feel it's not anymore because I either don't need it or I can find it elsewhere.

Your advice and feedback guys is still very important for me, otherwise I'd stop writing this journal. I still do, however.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 2 Day 30

I feel terrible now and at least in this case I know why. Taking into consideration timing it is easy to find what is to blame: Valentines Day. But it's not because I don't have anyone this year because I know I could if I really wanted and it's just not important for me at this time. The problem is that for whatever reason by mind goes back through all my previous Valentines, all my failures I both courage to make as well as those only in my mind. It feels like OGSF that worked so well all those months has turned itself off day or two ago and these past failures just flood me, making me feel down and worthless.

To sweat some stress away I went for a run and scored 10K in over an hour. I wouldn't consider this an achievement, but since season start with first days of spring I'm more than happy with it. Sadly though it didn't helped me much with my problem.

Situation is so bad in fact that I was thinking about turning AM off for a while and doing some ERPHA, but since the latter is included in the former I would be useless to do so for a couple of days. I have two days of this stage left and I intent to follow through it and start stage 3 on Monday. If problems won't go away with time I'll switch for LTU or ERPHA for a month.

[AriGold]

I know sometimes it's hard, but...

If you give up today, think of how much you will regret it 4 months from now.
It is not always easy, but the question is, do you want change to happen? It's not going to happen if everything stays as it is. Negative feelings and stuff (as long as it is not life threatening) is in my opinion part of the change process.

See it like that: You want something different and the subconscious asks you "how much trouble/resistance are you accepting to go through to change".

Be committed. Be convinced of your success. Success is your determination, even if you have to go through some not so good days. Every day is one day closer to your success and your goals.

[Mystic Pymp]

Thanks for encouragement Raz and AriGold, I really appreciate it

I have no intention of giving up AM, especially now that I start seeing some real results out of it. That being said I recognize that if my state will continue 1) I will only suffer and feel like a wreck and 2) I won't benefit much from the sub. I want to change and I surely will, but not by any means necessary. Anyhow I don't think it will continue because, as I said before, it's all because of timing and once hearts and sweetness will leave commercials, topics of conversations ect. I will go back to normal.

[Benjamin]

Valentines Day

Yep.. I was thinking this earlier (it's valentines day here now in Australia).. I noticed last night and today I felt like more of a 'loser' and lonely for not having anyone, especially today. Even though I know valentines day is bs and never have celebrated it even when I was with a girl it's such a big thing in society that it's programmed in my head to feel bad.

Shows how deep some programming we have from society and others can go.

-Ben

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 2 Day 32

Before I get to the summary I want to say that, as I predicted, emotional strain I was dealing with is pretty much gone now. I feel better now and there is no risk of me abandoning AM any time soon.

I'll be starting stage 3 tonight. I wanted to write a summary, but I really have no idea what to write and I'm very puzzled how to judge this stage. This stage had this bad luck of running at the time of finals which took most of my energy and attention. In the end I think it wasn't a bad stage, not very pleasant but I saw some tangible, even is small, results. I fear stage 3 to be honest, it is dreaded by many and seeing how 2 previous stages weren't gentle for me I don't expect third to be nice either. However I can't wait to see some big guns and how I will use them.