"I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023

[Ampersnd]

Day 130,

I feel like I'm missing out on a call to adventure.
I want to act, but there's no clear big action I feel pulled to take.
There are 'out there' things that I *could* be doing, but it would take out from the process of gradual improvement that I've been following.
For now, I will continue the small actions.

[Ampersnd]

Day 131,

I decided to considerably reduce my coffee intake, starting yesterday. It was rough; nothing was sinking it, I had to keep myself awake with some Earl Grey tea, then had a decaf during a date.

Today was much easier, but only because I retired to sleep an hour earlier, and wound up oversleeping by two hours, not waking up once and sleep right through my alarms.

Note that my decision to remove coffee was an "eh, let's do it" decision, not some grand decision spurred on by being fed up some some circumstance.

I feel like certain scripts - assumptions about life - that had run before, are no longer running. I got into some conversations with some people in the gym that I would have been scarred by. I asked some decently attractive woman if she succeeded at her two-plate squat rep near me after I looked away; I had to rephrase my question a couple of times, and I didn't feel a thing from the confusion (where I might have in the past).

I'm not sure what the official term for these 'scripts' would be. Would it be a fear of judgment? Less care for others' opinion? Who knows

[thectexperience1]

Scripts is a neat term for it. I've thought about that in terms of patterns or patterning. They're behavioural patterns that are intertwined with thought patterns and associated emotions. Or if you want to get sociological, there is a term habitus that refers to the way you are physically and emotionally conditioned to behave a certain way in society based on your social rank. Either way, freedom from all of that is a nice feeling.

[Ampersnd]

Day 134,

I'm realizing that I - and many, many others - have been raised with the desire to lose.
The negative / restrictive beliefs are an unconscious grasping to get the small, yet familiar, outcomes.

The resistance against those desires often come from a survival instinct; what they believe will cause death

[Ampersnd]

Day 136,

I'm feeling compelled to share my thoughts and insights that I've gotten from my first year working in tech, obtained without a computer science or mathematics background.

It feels like every day, I get some unique insight that I wind up sharing with my direct superior, which he enjoys, but I might as well monetize it.

[Ampersnd]

Day 141,

I came to the realization that I'm much more blessed than I realize.

I'm 31.
* I sleep great and have a clear conscience
* I don't live in regret or distress.
* I have no grey hairs or visible signs of aging roughly. In fact, I probably look 25-28. I've been told that I look 24 a couple of months ago. Got carded last week.
* I feel like a complete speaker in my own language. I have other languages at my disposal. My own mouth does not get me into trouble.
* I have let go of some of my major emotional hangups in the previous 12 months.
* I could live out the rest of my life with peace of mind if I continued along this path. Sure, I want more, but the basics are handled.
* I have no major addictions. I gave up daily coffee a couple of weeks ago. I need to abandon dopamine sites (YouTube, Facebook) and validation.
* I have no health issues. No aches or pains. No self-inflicted injuries (except for what some Jiu Jitsu blackbelt needlessly inflicted on me 4 years ago). No medications. No nagging health issues. Perfect vision. Sharp reflexes.
* I'd gotten with more women in the previous 3 years than the prior three decades, where two of those decades involved zero women.
* I am able-bodied and my strength, cardio, and vitality are at their highest ever. I have become a bit tank-ish and have to work on my agility once again to get it back to where it was.
* I have a growing skillset and my income will inevitably grow with time.
* My parents fumbled on some aspects of their parenting - not teaching me certain life lessons or preparing me - but I have support and stable relationships with them and my extended family.

But, there are some peculiarities to my life.
I'm pretty much left alone; women, men. Don't really get invites to do things. I need to be continuously proactive to get things going.

I like the traditional masculine architype, but I'm finding that it can be an easy crutch, as it's an identity that is pre-built, and all you need to do is assemble it like a cheap IKEA dresser. There is more value in finding a dynamic personality and to grow and explore each facet. Instead of strong, stoic and rigorous like the ox, you could become playful and savvy like the fox or serene and transcendent like the buck.

Every tattooed tough guy has got a lion or some tribal etchings.

[ffaux]

But, there are some peculiarities to my life.
I'm pretty much left alone; women, men. Don't really get invites to do things. I need to be continuously proactive to get things going.

I can relate to this intimately. I always thought it was from not being in a group of male friends.

[Ampersnd]

Day 143,

I realized just how bored I am.
My standard practicing and work tasks are a bit annoying and rote.
Even dating sounds like a dredge and unfulfilling. It's not helping that I have but one prospect, and I'm not willing to stir up more of them.
My prospect agreed to date #2, and asked what my plan is, and I don't care enough to come up with a plan and to follow through with it. She doesn't seem sexually interested, and that's something I want to have earlier on, so what's the point?

I think that I want to drop certain self-improvement measures, as opposed to 'goal pursuit' measures.
There's a goal I want to pursue, and I've been removing the obstacles to getting started, but I might want to cut away some of the time obstacles.
Something identity-based, such as Jiu Jitsu and my career coaching, might be on the chopping block.

Feeling very much like the Rick Ross song, except I don't have the massive accolades like this artist to take for granted.
It's like my current accomplishments have faded into the background.

Also, I'm asking the question, to almost anything: "Why am I doing this?"
I wonder if I've unconsciously dropped the need for approval, and that a lot of things that I need involved getting approval.
Or, there's simply a lull in my life as a result of resistance?

[Ampersnd]

Day 146,

I feel myself unravelling.
I overworked my calves in a workout about 4 days ago where they got so tight that I could not stand up straight without intense pain. Naturally, this has forced me to be much more inactive.

It's gotten much better, but I have little desire to exercise. My zest for coding has gone out the window. Highly distractible and distracted while at work. I'm not pursuing women from my apps, and letting leads slip. I'm still playing guitar, but not hitting it heavily. I just don't care right now. Tired.

I've gone ahead and cancelled my AI mentorship because I'm spending too much money to not want to make any progress.

I actually think that some of my original motivation comes from escaping the guilt created by being sedentary; that by avoiding productivity, I'm taking on more than I'm willing to give; that I'm a do-nothing slug. It's possible that this guilt is being addressed, and now there's no fire to fuel what are usually my goals.

[KingDavid93]

@Ampersnd

How are you playing Maverick?

Are you listening on your phones speakers or using earbuds?

[Ampersnd]

Headphones.

With due respect, how have you made it 30 years of age and not know better than to bulk copy-paste the same value-extracting message to six users?
Tact still applies on the internet.

[Ampersnd]

Day 149,

It's interesting how many areas of motivation fell off over the last couple of days.

I noticed that I didn't desire the fruits of my pursuits.
Wanted to pursue my tech career to create a platform that would hold public figures accountable. I don't really care anymore. As an example.

It's as though my desire to pursue certain hobbies is 0/10, but I have the memory of it being 8-9 out of 10 not long ago.

Some of it is about the desire for validation. It's possible that this desire is at an all time low. It's possible that my guilt for lost time is reduced. It's possible that my disingenuous motives are being zapped across the board, and there is not much left to work with until I recalibrate.

Or, it's simple resistance to the messaging of the subliminal

[Duke.Togo]

It's not resistance to the subliminal.  It's just you pruning the bullshit out of your life. You're finally realizing that you don't give a shit about the things you thought you gave a shit about. Congratulations and welcome to Maverick. To the shock and horror of everyone who kept posting that they didn't want a subliminal that was only focused on work and putting that ahead of everything else, here's the reward, Maverick was never about working hard. Or work at all. It's about you living to your truest self and being your own man. 

And the only way you can be your own man is when you stop giving a shit about how others perceive you or you doing things for the validation of others. 

When you start to strip away all the bullshit, you're left with the core of it all. That's why we said that Maverick needs to be run for a minimum of 6 months. I'll use the Rubiks cube analogy again here, but, all the sides are about to match up. You're about three twists away from it happening. 

When it does happen, that's when you suddenly realize something and after that is when the fun really begins with Maverick. 

Day 149,

It's interesting how many areas of motivation fell off over the last couple of days.

I noticed that I didn't desire the fruits of my pursuits.
Wanted to pursue my tech career to create a platform that would hold public figures accountable. I don't really care anymore. As an example.

It's as though my desire to pursue certain hobbies is 0/10, but I have the memory of it being 8-9 out of 10 not long ago.

Some of it is about the desire for validation. It's possible that this desire is at an all time low. It's possible that my guilt for lost time is reduced. It's possible that my disingenuous motives are being zapped across the board, and there is not much left to work with until I recalibrate.

Or, it's simple resistance to the messaging of the subliminal

[Ampersnd]

Day 155,

I think that a lot of my previous pushes for constant busyness and productivity arose from the need to escape a natural internal state of being, which is an uncomfortable mix of apathy, grief, anger, pity, and anxiety. For this same reason, when the time comes to make a move towards self-improvement that is outside my comfort zone, I often avoid it, as I would be launching myself into the same baseline stew of emotions that I am running from.

I was pulled towards reading a book by David R. Hawkins, some of which is Rule 4 but a lot of it is practical self-improvement. The moral of this book - Letting Go - states that we rid ourselves of our negative emotions by not resisting them when they come up. In fact, you lean into it and 'surrender' to the experience; no intellectualizing, no bargaining, no springboarding from those feelings towards something 'better'. Take the hit on the chin. It eventually lessens and lightens, freeing your emotional state towards more elevated goals.

The moral is that your goals are likely mired in mixed feelings about them, acting as a field of landmines which you are tiptoeing through. Experience the bad feelings, surrender to them, and clear them up, and you will be prepared to more towards what you want.

Edit: education aside, the relevance to the above is that I've gotten tired of fighting against the current of my inner experience versus my outer actions. I've slowed down and allowed myself to feel more fully, without resistance.