We're only in it for the potato - UMS Interlude

[Have at ye]

I've been having this musing going around my head lately:

Money is an abstract expression of energy (I'd even go as far as to say that it's a metonymy of energy, using Lacan's lingo: "the substitution of the name of an attribute or adjunct for that of the thing meant, for example 'suit' for 'business executive', or 'the turf' for 'horse racing'."). What they don't want you to know (and who's that? Them! *You know who, that's who!* lolz ) about energy is that it's FREE. Like, literally, it's FREE. Not in a "I don't have to pay for it sense" (but in that sense as well), but in a "it just flows around and everywhere and it's just *there* for the taking and using". It's especially fresh at the source. Moreover, it's actually infinite or nigh-infinite (any sort of energy has a tendency to expand infinitely unless met by a counter force of energy... I think? lulz), materially it just appears to be finite - but it's a so-called "illusion" - energy is finite only in an enclosed system that does not allow for the free flow of energy. Dissolve the system... see what happens?

[Have at ye]

I know why my knees started acting up. In some way, some part of my subC feels like it's being, literally, "uprooted". Worried that I won't be able to find my footing in a widely new situation, even though the stuff it considers as its "roots" are kinda... shitty. And definitely not to my benefit. It's why I felt the urge to overeat several times (did it but on 2-3 occasions, fortunately, so I didn't bloat up ), to give myself the comfort of feeling "grounded". Good 'ol "fear of change", but it's more than that, I think - it's mixed up with internalized concepts of "tradition" on many levels as well, I think, plus some "identity" foolishness from adolescence.

Anyhow, I've taken to using the Schumann resonance frequency every now and again when I start feeling off-kilter, to "ground" myself, as it were. I don't think this should negatively impact the program in general (don't take my word for it, though, heh ), and it feels really, really *good* when I do so.

Should anyone feel like trying it, it's not difficult to find in the Interwebz, but if you feel like using something reliable, and sending Shannon a sack of potatoes along the way, it's featured in IML's "Special Meditations" set in the sub-shop brainwave entrainment section, lvl 3 meditation (http://www.subliminal-shop.com/product/s...olume-set/).

[Have at ye]

Did one loop on headphones today in the morning, gonna do likewise tomorrow and on Monday. Going to be doing it in the morning, to prevent kick the headphones off should I start falling asleep. The funny thing is that I started getting sexually turned on during that loop once more, lol.

Anyhow, the loop felt really good. Although I am feeling a bit tired today, but that's probably because I went to a little social gathering last night which stretched out into the morning hours (it went something like this: I arrive to meet with one group, then I notice another group from a different social sphere so I go to say hello, oscillated between the two groups, then a friend calls and says she wants to join out of the blue, then that friend's friends arrive and join, etc., etc., until about 3 AM. It was pretty fun, actually ).

I'll be focusing the next ~two weeks on getting several bigger translation jobs done on which I have - I must admit - been stalling for quite some time now. I dunno why, really, but it's the highest time to get them off my plate.

My little aristocrat appears to be stalling. I am very disappointed. If she's unwilling to meet and hash things out, which would take, like, 15 minutes TBH, then I don't really see this going anywhere. "Son, I am disappoint".

A different DMSI-responder of mine (who was at that social gathering mentioned earlier) pretty much went out and said she's ready and willing, but only within the context of a LTR. I'll think on it, but I do appreciate the candor.

[Have at ye]

Ookay. I'm getting hit by emotional stuff *hard* since yesterday. I've not been able to do anything apart from either walking/sitting around and feeling terrible, as well as being emotional (crying etc.), or going to sleep in order to avoid feeling this way. This doesn't feel like resistance or anything fear-related, but more like healing going on, and most of it is heart-related. It also feels like the "pain relief" aspect is going on as well, and I kinda shudder to think what it would feel like otherwise, because I'm getting suicidal thoughts. Oh well. Anyroad, hopefully this will pass soon, as I really have stuff to do otherwise.

Anyroad, listening about to listen to today's loop, and then I've had a break planned. I'll try to stick to the planned break unless this stuff gets overwhelming.

[ncbeareatingman]

Hang in there Have at Ye, remember you are loved,enough and that this too shall pass!! It's easy to say such things but when ur in the throws of it...it's more than a humdinger!! Hold on ur doing courageous work,brave heart!!

[Have at ye]

Nanny in there Have at Ye, remember you are loved,enough and that this too shall pass!! It's easy to say such things but when ur in the throws of it...it's more than a humdinger!! Hold on ur doing courageous work,brave heart!!

Thank you, friend.

[Have at ye]

Feeling a little better now, but still have been most unproductive today. I'm mostly pacing around my room and talking to myself, like a crazy person, lol. I still get pangs of very, very negative emotions, but they're not as hardcore nor as dire or lengthy. In one way, I crave distraction, in another I'm like "stay with this, this will pass".

Set up a session with my vocal coach for Wednsday to make sure I'll get my ass out my apartment at least. Although I am planning to go to the library to get started on those translations I have mentioned, but I planned to do so today, and I hadn't, so... derp.

[Have at ye]

Yeah, appears I gotta use more loops for the masking to kick in properly. I did three more yesternight and it feels like it's back and I can function normally again.

[Have at ye]

Yesternight, as I decided to "go big or go home" on doing my loops, I found myself thinking: "I am not yet willing to give up on myself". Doing another 3 loops tonight. I am kinda at the end of the first one. Started feeling actual physical pain in my right foot, pretty much all of it, and then I found telling myself this particular phrase often used in, urm, Rule 4 stuff, and then another one of similar ilk which I have devised myself, and then the physical pain passed and I felt waves of pleasant energy going up from my leg. As if something got cleared.

I've also started doing some stuff outside of the sub for mood elevation and the like, as this had all the makings of an onset of a major depressive episode (I can tell because: a) I started smoking a whole cartload, b) I stopped eating (and I like food *thiiis* much, so that's a big red flag), c) I started getting hypersomniac, and I need to keep this under control or else I'll end up in a downward spiral.

The plan is to hit this hard and fast.

Going to have a productive day tomorrow.

[Have at ye]

On the downside, though, since Windows decided to update itself yesterday, now my foobar's been acting all "choppy" while I'm playing the sub. I didn't experience any skipping before. It's a nuisance. I may have to find a different mode of playback.

[Have at ye]

Heh. I actually ended up doing 5 loops yesternight. I am going to do the same number today. Got up, got shit done, feeling good, etc. I am a little bit tired physically, but I did not get all that much sleep as I had to get my arse up (5 hours or so).

I get really strong "execution" sensations while listening to the loops actively, and they usually start intensifying at around loop 2-3 for now.

[Have at ye]

Discovered the source of "skipping" in my Foobaah. Actually, it's just that a cord connecting my USB sound-card got a little bit loose, heh. My apologies to Windows Update for being treated as a scapegoat.

[Have at ye]

So I've been doing 5 loops/day recently. I think I'll do 8 loops tomorrow and then take a break.

What I'm trying to do currently:

Apparently, I've been dysthymic since about early adolescence, if not earlier than that. Then, in response to a particular stimulus, I've started becoming majorly depressive at about, 20-21? Apparently, I simply detached and disengaged from the feelings this brought about as a means of self-preservation (I actually remember the moment I did that, lol. I did not really know what I was doing at the time, I simply "turned feeling off", so to speak), but this kept returning in one form or another every now and again, culminating in a major depressive episode several years ago, when I was 25-26? Something like that (I actually started looking into subliminals, energy-work and such in response to this; it's when I happened upon IML, incidentally. Search, and ye shall find, oh yeah).

The thing about being dysthymic is that you don't even know you are actually constantly depressed until... you're not (or at least I noticed that something's been really, really wrong for a really, really long time upon feeling, urm, *something* ). You just kinda accept that life is supposed to be kinda shitty and absurd and then roll with it. It's actually been the main point of my internal contention in response to subliminal programming and other stuff (pretty much the source of most resistance to these here subliminal beauts, I think - I'm actually executing them pretty well, as far as I can tell, even demanding stuff like DMSI, but it sometimes feels like an uphill struggle due to that internalized depression acting up; over the years I've learned how to override it through pretty much stubborn will, but it's never been all that easy, nor is it, at times, erm, pretty).

So I've been focusing on resolving that once and for all - healing this, as it were. And I think I'm close - f. in. I've been noticing lately that my libido has been on a tremendous upswing, and I'm actually starting to feel as if I were 20 again in that regard, hahaha. Like, I'm not kidding, I feel horny all the time, even when I'm sad, lol. This is in no small part owed to the healing and FRM aspects of UMS, I believe, as my horniness tend to increase when I'm listening to my loops.

It might seem at first glance that it does not really have all that much to do with UMS (because, as I mentioned previously in the journal, "you may as well cry in an A-class Mercedes instead of at a bus stop", lol), but it actually does as it stands in the way of pretty much... everything.

I've been having some wonky dreams in response to the increased number of loops. F. in. yesternight I had a semi-lucid dream in which I was doing stuff that kinda looked like the visualizations I do when I consciously attempt certain energy operations, which is interesting.

Out of direct UMSing, I'm actually visiting my parents for a couple of days right now, and I collected my plentiful birthday potatoes (5000 of them!) which is most welcome, obviously. I'm going to use part of the potato proceeds to acquire some new, spiffy clothing, as most of my stuff is kinda worn down and/or too big, as I've lost weight and am continuing to get into pretty frickin' good shape, as it were. I'm actually gearing up to get those translation I've been whining about off of my plate, and I set a pretty strict deadline for myself (and I actually informed the client of the deadline I set, to force my ass to get into gear), but I should have them done by the end of the month thanks to this. Come September, I have rehearsal and I need to be very well prepared (because *morons*) and I won't have the time to do any other jerbs while I'm at it.

[THolt]

So I've been doing 5 loops/day recently. I think I'll do 8 loops tomorrow and then take a break.

What I'm trying to do currently:

Apparently, I've been dysthymic since about early adolescence, if not earlier than that. Then, in response to a particular stimulus, I've started becoming majorly depressive at about, 20-21? Apparently, I simply detached and disengaged from the feelings this brought about as a means of self-preservation (I actually remember the moment I did that, lol. I did not really know what I was doing at the time, I simply "turned feeling off", so to speak), but this kept returning in one form or another every now and again, culminating in a major depressive episode several years ago, when I was 25-26? Something like that (I actually started looking into subliminals, energy-work and such in response to this; it's when I happened upon IML, incidentally. Search, and ye shall find, oh yeah).

The thing about being dysthymic is that you don't even know you are actually constantly depressed until... you're not (or at least I noticed that something's been really, really wrong for a really, really long time upon feeling, urm, *something* ). You just kinda accept that life is supposed to be kinda shitty and absurd and then roll with it. It's actually been the main point of my internal contention in response to subliminal programming and other stuff (pretty much the source of most resistance to these here subliminal beauts, I think - I'm actually executing them pretty well, as far as I can tell, even demanding stuff like DMSI, but it sometimes feels like an uphill struggle due to that internalized depression acting up; over the years I've learned how to override it through pretty much stubborn will, but it's never been all that easy, nor is it, at times, erm, pretty).

So I've been focusing on resolving that once and for all - healing this, as it were. And I think I'm close - f. in. I've been noticing lately that my libido has been on a tremendous upswing, and I'm actually starting to feel as if I were 20 again in that regard, hahaha. Like, I'm not kidding, I feel horny all the time, even when I'm sad, lol. This is in no small part owed to the healing and FRM aspects of UMS, I believe, as my horniness tend to increase when I'm listening to my loops.

It might seem at first glance that it does not really have all that much to do with UMS (because, as I mentioned previously in the journal, "you may as well cry in an A-class Mercedes instead of at a bus stop", lol), but it actually does as it stands in the way of pretty much... everything.

I've been having some wonky dreams in response to the increased number of loops. F. in. yesternight I had a semi-lucid dream in which I was doing stuff that kinda looked like the visualizations I do when I consciously attempt certain energy operations, which is interesting.

Out of direct UMSing, I'm actually visiting my parents for a couple of days right now, and I collected my plentiful birthday potatoes (5000 of them!) which is most welcome, obviously. I'm going to use part of the potato proceeds to acquire some new, spiffy clothing, as most of my stuff is kinda worn down and/or too big, as I've lost weight and am continuing to get into pretty frickin' good shape, as it were. I'm actually gearing up to get those translation I've been whining about off of my plate, and I set a pretty strict deadline for myself (and I actually informed the client of the deadline I set, to force my ass to get into gear), but I should have them done by the end of the month thanks to this. Come September, I have rehearsal and I need to be very well prepared (because *morons*) and I won't have the time to do any other jerbs while I'm at it.

How is 5 loops affecting you? I’m considering increasing my loops but not sure how many I should do