We're only in it for the potato - UMS Interlude

[Have at ye]

Can't complain, really, with the only drawback being that 5 loops tend to make me either very sleepy or very energized, and there's no rhyme or reason to it apparently.

Your mileage may vary, though. Best to make sure you have the time to "sleep it off" on the off-chance an increased number of loops would tire you out, I guess.

[Have at ye]

As my usage of UMS had been somewhat erratic lately, I am now taking some days off (5 at least). Afterwards, I believe I should either go with 3x3, 3x0, or 1x8, 3-5x0 and frickin' stick to it. New releases are in the works, though, so this may be a moot point anyway.

[Have at ye]

Third day of break beginning. Started getting work done on that thraslation jerb I've been procrastinating on. Due to all that procrastination, I do have my work cut out for me, but I've done bigger jobs on shorter deadlines way back. The work itself is progressing pretty smoothly, though. Kinda tired physically by now, but I'll try to get some more work done on it at home, and then continue at the library tomorrow.

Honestly? I don't think I ever want to translate anything again unless it's something I do because I actually want to do it (so f. in. I feel that a given work *should* be translated into one of my languages, and I find the prospect of working on it intellectually stimulating as well), not because I want the monies.

I've been feeling pretty well these past couple of days, although I am getting moments of intense anger (but by now, I have learned how to deal with it), which are usually a response to some sorta fear getting tackled (it goes somewhat like this: I start feeling this "pulling" sensation coming up from one of my feet or down from my heart, which I assume is FRM trying to remove it, and then it goes to my liver, whereupon I gotsa deal with it or struggle with being angry and/or sangry - so sad + angry - for an extended period of time, as well as deal with an unpleasant physical sensation of heaviness in that region. Once something gets dealt with, I feel a *poof* and feel as if a pretty big weight got removed).

Feeling a lot of wonky sensations going on in the root region yet again - although this may be compounded by the fact that I went to work with my vocal coach today in the morning, and kinda tired out my pelvic floor muscles while I was at it, lol (she still seems a little bit testy with me, but it's waaaay improved from a couple of months ago. I knew taking a little break from working together would do some good). The sensations are actually kinda pleasant TBH.

Random musing of the day (but of great import for me!):

You know what would be really nice? If people stopped treating me like an object for the sublimation of their unresolved and unanalyzed complexes, and started treating me like a living, breathing (and - most importantly - *thinking*) human being, with emotions and stuff, you know?

The only type of sublimation of this kind I may be willing to tolerate is if a lovely lady decided to sublimate such stuff through fun sexy times. They could even call me daddy if they want to, I don't judge, lol.

[Have at ye]

Today's break day hit me relatively hard, I'm actually feeling pretty good, but I had to sleep it off, and didn't make it to the library to work (but I can work from home anyway, so...). I had a realization and experienced acceptance of said realization, of something that appears to be standing in the way somewhat. Now that it's been accepted by myself, it shouldn't be doing that anymore, I hope!

I think I'll continue looping the loops on the morrow. I'll try the 3x3, 3x0 setup. Now I'm going to eat something (I have noticed that I've started using coupons, offers etc. extensively in order to get stuff for less monies; I never really bothered to do so TBH previously), and then I'm going to get to work.

[Have at ye]

A quick little update:

Been feeling very well recently. I have actually ended up doing 3x4, 3x0 (tomorrow is the third day off) as I have noticed that the third loop is still getting a "I'd prefer not to" reaction from some part of me, whilst on the fourth loop the reaction started changing to an enthusiastic "yes, yes, yes ". I'm also using a higher volume (foobar says 0dB volume adjustment, I'm using hybrid on headphones - the volume is actually pretty pleasant, heh).

Anyroad, I'm close to finished with one of the translations I've been procrastinating on (just gotta get some more source quotations from the library and it'll be done - hopefully I'll manage to do it tomorrow), and then I'll get started on the other one, which shouldn't take too long.

Bardic practice is going extremely well apart from the fact that, unfortunately, I am going to have to (most probably) stop working with my vocal coach. She's wasted a year of my time (and health, as well as a lot of professional reputation - she actually, apparently, went as far as to try to gaslight me by proxy - fortunately it's only "local singing class" reputation, so it's not that big of a bother) already just because she (most probably) feels the need to "prove daddy wrong" (she's been using me as an object of experimentation by trying to forcefully mold me into a higher voice type than I actually am - the worst part is, she's abused my trust by doing so because *she did not inform me of the fact*). She's also been involving herself in my private affairs, which I find abhorrent from a professional standpoint (as it turns out, one of my little aristocrat's BFFs - apart from having responded to my DMSIng back when I was doing DMSI; *very* attractive girl, but - unfortunately - on the insecure side as far as I can tell - is a total tattletale, apparently, and she used to study vocal coaching for pianists under my vocal coach's tutelage, so they know each other and have been gossiping gods know what about me behind my back. The BFF in question turns out to have been the reason *everyone knows everything* in the local showbiz, ughhh). I met for a session with her recently, and unfortunately she keeps on trying to pull a fast one on me *again*. She's also being extremely facetious about the whole thing - she's trying to shift the blame for herself making a mistake, and wasting a lot of my time, effort, energy and health - onto me, and is very unapologetic. This probably means good-bye.

I have to do everything myself, as always, don't I?

I've already contacted another pianist I know so that we can get started working on some repertoire, but he's not a vocal coach by any means. I do have enough confidence in my own skills and knowledge of bardic practice shenanigans to have a go at it alone, though. The "local singing class" are unfortunately a bunch of incompetent morons and/or poopoo-heads who would try to muck up my singing simply out of spite (I'm not kidding nor exaggerating here, unfortunately... I used to work with one guy from around here for about a year, during my studies at the conservatory, who tried to intentionally sabotage my progress because, apparently, he was afraid he'd have to compete with me professionally at a later date as well as due to egotism of the *but I am the greatestest and my voice is the bestest and everyone should be bowing down before me, peasants!* variety, lol. He's shit out of luck in both regards, though, hahaha, even though he keeps trying to make trouble for me locally anyway).

BTW., UMS clearing and healing (and shielding) has been hard at work on the above (as well as most probably on the more deeply unconscious issues related to similar situations, etc.) recently.

[Have at ye]

Huh. Went to get some bardic practice in today, and I've noticed that I appear to be suffering from "brain****ery" syndrome a little bit as regards singing technique (as in - I can feel and hear it's all going swell, but still I get lingering doubts "but hey, maybe it should be more like this... or like this... or like this... crap, maybe I should ask my vocal coach"... and then it struck me what's happening). This should pass soon, but it's due to my vocal coach's confounding behavior and tactics this past season. Huh. Yeah, gotta stop working with her. There's a chance she's gonna turn into another of my "enemies" in the local showbiz because of that, but, seriously... I never thought I'd ever say it about this particular person, but, it's official: she can go fuck herself.

Because in truth, when I get it done the way I myself believe it should be done, it sounds pretty kick-ass (like, almost Ghiaurov/Christoff/Talvela level of badassery. Still gotta work a bit on veiling in the upper register, but I'm getting there) and it doesn't tire me out physically, nor does it make my voice tired (I kinda went crazy with bardic practice today and went at it for a good 2 hours or so. That's plenty, lol). I'M A BIG, BRIGHT, SHINING STAR, lewlz.

Also, I received an e-mail from my foxy Lacanian MILF psychoanalytic guru (lewl) that there's going to be some hot Lacanian action going on from September onward and I'm invited. I think I'll bite. Actually went to the library after bardic practice to start reading the thingy we're going to be discussing this time around, and, yet again, let me say: Lacan, you magnificent, magnificent turbo-bastard you.

[Have at ye]

Oh, some more stuff regarding UMSing:

IIRC, last week, as I was at the library working on my trashlations, I had this rather... eerie moment in which I experienced a kinda painful, heavy, dark sensations right smack in the middle of my chest (I think that's the lower heart chakra directly), kinda felt as if I were having a heart attack or something, and a sense of some sort of disassociation from that feeling, and it passed after a couple of minutes, but left me feeling wonky. I think it was some major, major fear getting removed? It was during one of my break days.

Also, as I was listening to my loops yesternight (I lowered the volume to what foobar says is -10dB, but it's still pretty loud. The 0dB volume felt a little bit too aggressive for me) I started experiencing wonky physical sensations of a sort I've not yet had on UMS, like, f. in. a sensation of some sort of energy traveling through my spine from the bottom on up, and stopping at the base of the skull (it was a pretty pleasant sensation). Incidentally, it also seems to have... made me stand a little bit straighter with less effort required to maintain such posture today, lol.

EDIT

I won't lie, these past two months with UMS were rather... rough, and not exactly pleasant in many respects. But I do feel like I'm on the upswing now. Feels like 3 months on this bad boy should be able to tackle most stuff that requires healing and clearing if used properly. I'm finishing month 2.

[Have at ye]

Random musing of the day:

(I can't really remember whether I've put this in my journal already or not, so here it is anyway)

If something feels undignified, there's a pretty good chance it is morally wrong.

[Have at ye]

For some reason, my older brother decided to gift me a sack of unsolicited birthday potatoes. He's never done that before. Certainly, why not.

Signing up for hot Lacanian action today. Also got an invitation from one of my DMSI-responders to a premiere which she's been directing and in which I totally helped (I actually translated the darn thing's libretto for her last year for a slight donation of potato. Remember, kids: when you're good at something, never do it for free ).It's in two weeks' time, gonna acquire some spiffy wardrobe beforehand. Such events can sometimes result in goodly connections and/or fun sexy times, so I'm totally going.

[Have at ye]

I think I actually did 4 days of 4 loops this time around (simply felt like doing one day more, so I did), currently on my third day of 0 loops, gonna get back to looping the loops tonight.

Hot Lacanian action was nice. Next round next week.

On another note, I feel like I'm pretty close to getting rid of most, if not all, debilitating/negative effects of outside "energetic/psychic" attack/undue influence - or at the very least the backlash I got from attempts at becoming fabulous (so DMSIng - it would appear that shit hit the proverbial fan sometime around ver. 2.4, as far as I can tell). Interesting trivia fact: if it feels like it's coming from your feet on up, it's probably outside influence.

It would also appear that my ex has decided to give up and is no longer bugging me through social media and such. Fucking finally.

Also, as I was working on a trashlation at the library today, I got this insight (based off the article that I was translating, among other things) that, as I suspected, there's this entire Potato (and by Potato, I mean Polish) paradigm that's being shoved down everyone's throats around here from early childhood on through public schooling, media, etc., and it's a rather shitty paradigm as it glorifies suffering and "being done injustice to" and actually taking pride in being treated like shit by all and sundry (a. k. a. the Polish High-Romantic paradigm, a. k. a. "the Polish complex". It's served its purpose back in the XVIII and XIX centuries to maintain national identity of some sort absent a state, but enough already ). Nowadays it's also being conflated with "patriotism" and "traditional family values" (a. k. a. your unresolved Oedipus complex) for political reasons. Couple this with the imported Randian "liberal" Capitalist Darwinism (coining this!) paradigm which made itself known sometime in the 90s (so my early childhood), and mixed with the "lifestyle coaching and self-development" paradigm that's all over the place right now due to the wonders of the Interwebz, this has resulted in a poo-bomb of ideology (to borrow Zizek's pet term) of epic proportions.

It's all very, very stupid.

And yet it's there, and it runs pretty deep. No more though, gonna get rid of it pronto!

[Have at ye]

Something's happening on the inside. I slept a lot yesterday (about to put on my loops for today, then going to the lib to trashlate stuff), and I do mean *a lot* - went back home early (but that's because I did not sleep much the previous day; had to go get some bardic practice in early morning), sometime in the afternoon and fell right asleep and woke up today about 8 AM. So I must have slept for over 12 hours, and as far as I can tell, my subC was working overtime throughout.

I still have a little bit of trouble trying to stay optimistic about stuff, but I'm getting there, I think.

Yet again I felt some anxiety and doubts as I was doing my bardic practice yesterday, but in the end managed to get it working the way I believe it should. Only took about an hour or so, lol.

Starting rehearsal on Friday, this is gonna be a stress test for the auric shield.

[AlphaRomeo]

Hey man,
How many loops are you looping and are the number of your loops regular? Seems like many folks are looping more loops than just one loop tho the instructions says one loopy loop per on day. Im wondering if people are getting better results with more loopy loops...Im only looping one loop per on day and thinking if I should loop more.

[Have at ye]

If one loop is working for you, then that's good, I think? But if you feel an actual need to play more, then do so.

Currently, I'm using 4 loops for 3-4 days and then take a break of 3 days, and have been doing so for these past two-three weeks. I arrived at this number through experimentation over these past two months - for me, this number appears to be able to dig through internal resistance without knocking me out in the process. So I'm keeping it at 4 for the time being.

[AlphaRomeo]

Ok. I havent felt the need to do more than one loop, but that also means I have not done experiment if more would be good for me. Seems majority of users are doing more than one loop, including Shannon. Maybe one is good for me, its just seems to take time to get really going (about 2 months now). Lots of internal shifts, but not so much in the bank account or action department. I have tried different on/off cycles tho...still have not found the best for me. I may keep using 3days on, 7 days off , with one loop/on days as that was the original optimal usage according to models for majority of stubborn types, which I think I am regarding to subs.

Anyways, have a potato.