EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Same pattern playing out: End of the day, self hatred.

I wish E3 would just clear away all the regret and pain and self esteem issues in one fell swoop, but who knows how long this shit'll take. I just hope it doesn't take a long time. I really do.

All the regret is killing me. I really hate myself sometimes. Sometimes, I feel irredeemable, like nothing I do and no amount of change will ever be enough to redefine myself. That's how I feel in these moments. I hope E3 will clear that soon. Anyway, I'm f***ing off to bed now, and running the 3 back to back loops of E3. Hope this makes a difference.

[THolt]

EP you have made quite a bit of progress so far. You need to read your earlier posts and I think you will see that you have made a good amount of progress. Don't get overwhelmed by it.

[Greenduck]

Yes I agree with tholt, you have gained perspective on your emotions and work with them proactively.

[Shannon]

This is the tidal effect.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks guys. You're right. I'm sure I'd be way worse off if not for E3. Glad to be making progress with it. I'm sure this tidal effect will cease over time.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 41:

This time the feelings are (mildly) kicking in shortly after waking up. Not too extreme though. I've felt way worse before. With a past like mine, how can I not look back and cringe? Still, I have confidence E3 will eventually change that. Wouldn't be surprised if it took a while though.

[Shannon]

You can not have to look back and cringe by accepting what is, letting go of the past and moving on to bigger and better things. Losing lotto ticket aren't worth keeping.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I guess acceptence is the key issue. If I can't accept my past how can I let go of it? I have a hard time with that. Maybe as I continue to use E3, I'll eventually accept my past and my current situation? I hope so. And I hope it happens soon.

[Shannon]

I guess acceptence is the key issue. If I can't accept my past how can I let go of it? I have a hard time with that. Maybe as I continue to use E3, I'll eventually accept my past and my current situation? I hope so. And I hope it happens soon.

You keep trying to find blocks to put up in front of yourself to prevent you from advancing.  "I can't let go because I haven't accepted my past, and I'm not sure I can accept my past because of what that would say about me."

How about this...

There is no past!

There is only the "now".  You remember "the past", but it doesn't exist.  Only "now" exists.  And you're hiding from "now" by trying to focus on something that doesn't even exist.

To advance, you must accept what is.  Not the past.  Not some potential future.  What is.

So what "is"?

What "is", is that you are stuck in a negative feedback loop because you're focused on giving away your personal power and responsibility.  Out of fear.  Your core fear is very likely something like: "I'm afraid I am only good enough if people I think are good enough think I am good enough too."

You know what else "is"?

That fear is irrational.  It's based on faulty logic and false beliefs.  You are the only person who can decide what your value actually is.  Everyone else can tell you what they think, but only you can decide what your value is.  And those "everyone elses" will always tell you how valuable they think you are based on how much you are deciding your own value level.  If you are looking to them to decide for you, they will decide your value is low.  If they see that you are assigning your own level of value and doing so confidently and consistently, they will tend to accept the value you have chosen for yourself and act accordingly.

Right now, your problem is that you are looking outside yourself for what can ONLY be found inside you.  And for as long as you do that, your insecurity in "not being good enough" will remain, because of the cycle I described above.  

I first realized this in 7th grade.  I was that shy nerd kid who only spoke when he was comfortable, and wasn't usually comfortable.  So instead of talking, I spent a lot of time observing.  I got to wondering, one day, "What makes these kids popular and these other kids not?"  And after a few weeks of observing, I realized that most of the "popular kids" were confident in their own value.  They didn't let others define it for them, they defined it themselves.  Meanwhile the other kids were looking for approval from and an assignment of value these self-defining "popular" kids, instead.  They were looking outside themselves for their value.

In 10th Grade, I decided to do an experiment.  I decided that my value was easily the equal of anyone else at the school.  I rejected and ignored everything that anyone said to the contrary and maintained that belief.  And you know what?  People started treating me differently.  Very differently.  I went from being "that shy nerd kid" to someone they couldn't quite figure out or label anymore.  But while they still classified me as a "nerd" for my interests in science and other "nerdy" things, they started to accept me.  They started coming to me for advice and information.  They started talking to me and some of them even started treating me as being better than them. 

I also developed a following. I was looked up to by several of my classmates, and I later discovered (out of highschool) that during highschool, there were no less than eight girls who wanted to be my girlfriend and have sex with me.  One of them was so blatant about it that I still to this day can't believe it.  I ended up having sex with three of them after I graduated highschool. (In highschool, I was too scared of being ridiculed for being a virgin to let anyone have my virginity.)

Now, what changed?  The only thing that changed was me deciding that the labels anyone else gave me were invalid, and I was only going to accept the self image I chose for myself. It wasn't me trying to fake confidence.  I had very little confidence back then, really.  But what I did have was determination to define myself, and if you're going to define yourself, why would you define yourself as anything but awesome?  

In the beginning, my own point of view about myself changed.  That was it.  And as I accepted it, that led my point of view about and beliefs about myself and other things to change accordingly.  That led to further changes, and it snowballed.

You can stop inventing reasons to impede your growth now.  That is just re-creating jail cell walls that don't need to be there.  You need to "accept what is".  I promise you, accepting "what is" will blow your mind.  It's an incredible sense of peace and serenity.  I did what I did.  I cannot change my past.  It is what is.  I accept that.  And because I accept that the past is gone and doesn't exist anymore, only the now, I can start focusing on what is now, and what I want the now to become instead.

Throw away the losing lottery tickets from last decade.  Do something else.

Now if you follow your current pattern, you'll get excited for a while and then go back to the same old pattern that you've been stuck in for years.  You keep trying to do that.  I can't move forward because X and I have to do Y first and I can't and it's hopeless and it'll take forever.  

That's self pitiful bullshit.  Throw it away and go wash it off you.  It doesn't work for you.  It's useless thinking based on false beliefs.  It's trying to get someone else to take responsibility for your responsibilities.  It's crap.

Focus on what is, and make what is whatever you want it to be, moment by moment.  There is no "past".  There is only the Eternal Now.  And you get a new chance to make "now" whatever you want it to be many times every minute.  What do you want your Now to be?

And remember to focus gratitude on what you want, and pay attention to where your thinking and choices and actions are leading you.  If they aren't leading you to your goals, change them until they are!

[Greenduck]

Awesome post Shannon. Thanks. I needed to hear that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Shannon. You're right. I'll re-read your post more times until it gets through my thick skull. I have a hard time with this. I'll do my best.

[Shannon]

Thanks Shannon. You're right. I'll re-read your post more times until it gets through my thick skull. I have a hard time with this. I'll do my best.

"There is no try.  There is only do, or not do." The Wise Master Yoda

If a puppet gets it, you can too.  "Do my best" is like "try".  It's an excuse to fail.  Do it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 42:

Been dealing with the usual issues today, but with Shannon's words to meditate on. Shannon has a point: I have a pattern of "I need to do X first before I can move forward because Y and I can't" and this seems like more of that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm running E3. I'm running 3 loops before I officially head in for the night and run 3 more loops. Struggling to let go of my old friend. I don't want to. I want my friend back. I feel terrible. I know, I know... losing lotto ticket. I just wish I could rebuild those burned bridges. I've got to get over this.

EDIT:

My laptop keeps shutting down without warning for some reason, interrupting the E3 program. That sucks.