Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

I had a unique realization which stopped me this morning. UD might be working in this.

While doing some reading this morning, I became very aware how completely distant I am to my rule 4 figure. I realized I'm living behind fronts and constant denial. I felt no self condemnation, just a clear knowing. And while looking at this in my mind, I realized I've had this same wall up to about everyone in my life presently.

Being honest, this is a relief to me. The constant tension from lying to myself and others seems not as powerful vs. knowing and even living the truth.

I've waited on this kind of thing. Thank you for making this Shannon.

[findingme]

Something else has come about which I purposely have not shared. I've distanced myself from my mom and my blood family all this week.

I shared how last weekend I was at my mom's, since she had been at the hospital again. Something gave way inside me, and I completely ignored all contact with her after I left. I felt used, as nothing's changed. She's called every day. I have not listened to any voicemails since they are always helpless pleas and manipulations. Both brothers have called and texted, but I've ignored them too. They're still playing their sick "roles" as well.

Something in me finally (and firmly) just said "no". I refuse. I don't want to play anymore.

I'll make some short Mother's Day contact, a text, but nothing more. It hurts living in this family and being used while all actions lead to her own self destruction.

I don't want to do this anymore.

[Infinite]

This reminds me of a "friend" I used to have. She was highly disorganized and depends on other people to bail her out. I tried to help her in so many ways, so that she could be independent and live a happy life. I offered to give her an alarm clock, got her a cell phone, I offered to give her a washer and dryer, I even offered to let her use my laundry machines to wash her clothes.. She refused all the help other than the cell phone, but then she would want me to give her a ride somewhere when she wouldn't wake up on time and would miss her bus. As if my time wasn't valuable. She just wanted attention and to be cared for. She did this to everyone, and she would try to make up for it by buying them things. I don't think that she realized that this was abuse, she is an abusive person.

I know that it's different with your mom and relatives because of that special bond, but you should never allow anyone to abuse you. You will continue to distance yourself from abusers as you continue to get stronger. You're making great progress, Findingme.

[findingme]

Yes, Infinite, thanks for the input. It is abuse, even if it's from my mom. I'm no victim to her, and I am staying away. Only I can stop this, and I am.

I came back to share something I realized today. Last Saturday, I stayed at my mom's, and I'd downloaded the LTU5 ultrasonic file onto my phone. I listened that night on ultrasonic, a first for me. I normally use hybrid FLAC trickling stream. But my dissatisfaction with the reality of the situation grew on me that next morning, and I left while she was sleeping.

I'd been reading about how ultrasonic usually has a harder push than masked, as masked's message is softer to the subconscious. I used ultrasonic last night, and that unease about my mom's choices sat with me this morning, so I wrote about it. I'm saying ultrasonic is pushing me more to care for myself, which I'm taking advantage of right now. I turned LTU on while driving home, and I'm running it now on my PC, both ultrasonic.

I'm grateful I have this option. Should I put it into high gear or low gear? I'm doing high gear now. I'll take the extra push and use it to my advantage.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I say push it into high gear, but don't use this stuff while driving. That's specifically contraindicated by IML when you buy these.

[findingme]

Yeah EP. Thanks.

[Benjamin]

I guess just see how it affects you differently and go from there. I can't say i've ever experimented with format for the effect of it that much past using hybrid for a while on DMSI. Mainly i've just used what is convienient, ultrasonic on speakers at night because masked would keep me awake, and sometimes when i've used headphones ocean surf or hybrid on DMSI.

It's good to see you guys who were struggling a bit getting good results on LTU.

[findingme]

Thanks Ben. Sometimes when I write, I get in a safe spot with myself, and I actually am asking myself those questions. I didn't clarify it to readers once posted, so thanks for the feedback. I've stayed with US. And that's why I'm writing this morning.

I've been using US only since just a few days ago, and I've felt new changes and desires in me. Last night, I got a text from my brother asking if I'd be over to my mom's for Mother's Day. I replied "no". The ****** replied 10 minutes later with a guilting and shaming violence threatening message, which is his normal. I deleted that message and shortly after, all past texts of his on my phone.

Throughout yesterday, before the incident above, I'd had imaginations of him knocking on my door, coming to insist on my obedience to his violence threatening messages. I imagined having cops take him away.

And after receiving his text, an extreme anger was building in me. Who the F does he think he is?

BUT.......me owning my part in this, is that he's someone I allowed to scare me. I did it to keep the relationship. I've given him a lot of authority so I'd not feel abandoned. But in time, he's become someone who's bullied anyone who'd allow it. This is something I can change, and my fear is slowly dropping. I allowed this, fearfully and consistently. Also, the anger I felt was not pure, but richly mixed with a sadness, as it told me that this relationship has been an anchor in my life. I'm seeing myself above this vessel, I'm not even on the same ship anymore, and I'm bigger and bolder,. I do feel the slight pull from this anchor, and it's felt sad and painful to myself letting it go. (Listening to a song on YT with the words "I will Rise"). In other words, I've hung on to this sick relationship.

I'm not going to my mom's today. I'm running my LTU loops now, as I notice urges and changes in my waking mind. Freedom used to be linked with fear. It made the ideas of emotional freedom and spontaneity fear producing. That old reality isn't sitting well at all.

I'm looking for what specifically needs changing in my life. I will rise triumphantly and, in time, peacefully.

[Zane]

I am also having issues with my younger brother right now.

He lives like a pig.

I really don't feel like being around him. He's like a trash can.

Even my sister who is exposed to USLM who sleeps in the same room says and is starting to get annoyed by him.

He just goes to gym, eat trash and greasy food and play games in iPad which he bought saying he won't.

He won't accept his mistakes and has so much ego that you can see that in his body language..

He hides his fear and insecurities by "Ego".. I can sense and see his fears and yet he won't work on himself.

Some people are just to ignorant to admit this and they suffer immensely in later part of life as those negative beliefs just poison every area of their life.

Even my cat is starting to stay away from him..

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Ben.  Sometimes when I write, I get in a safe spot with myself, and I actually am asking myself those questions.  I didn't clarify it to readers once posted, so thanks for the feedback.  I've stayed with US.  And that's why I'm writing this morning.

I've been using US only since just a few days ago, and I've felt new changes and desires in me.  Last night, I got a text from my brother asking if I'd be over to my mom's for Mother's Day.  I replied "no".  The ****** replied 10 minutes later with a guilting and shaming violence threatening message, which is his normal.  I deleted that message and shortly after, all past texts of his on my phone.  

Throughout yesterday, before the incident above, I'd had imaginations of him knocking on my door, coming to insist on my obedience to his violence threatening messages.  I imagined having cops take him away.  

And after receiving his text, an extreme anger was building in me.  Who the F does he think he is?

BUT.......me owning my part in this, is that he's someone I allowed to scare me.  I did it to keep the relationship.  I've given him a lot of authority so I'd not feel abandoned.  But in time, he's become someone who's bullied anyone who'd allow it.  This is something I can change, and my fear is slowly dropping.  I allowed this, fearfully and consistently.  Also, the anger I felt was not pure, but richly mixed with a sadness, as it told me that this relationship has been an anchor in my life.  I'm seeing myself above this vessel, I'm not even on the same ship anymore, and I'm bigger and bolder,.  I do feel the slight pull from this anchor, and it's felt sad and painful to myself letting it go.  (Listening to a song on YT with the words "I will Rise").  In other words, I've hung on to this sick relationship.

I'm not going to my mom's today.  I'm running my LTU loops now, as I notice urges and changes in my waking mind.  Freedom used to be linked with fear.  It made the ideas of emotional freedom and spontaneity fear producing.  That old reality isn't sitting well at all.  

I'm looking for what specifically needs changing in my life.  I will rise triumphantly and, in time, peacefully.

Great for you that you're not taking any shit from your family anymore! I'm glad for you man!

[findingme]

Zane, I have a pig-like story for you

Since I've been using ultrasonic alone, my body odor has increased. I know it's from the Universal Detox in LTU, and I have very few memories of this when doing UD as a solo run. It'd last a day, but not stay.

I've done various flushes through the years, and sweating has been a prime tell-tale that bad stuff is coming out. For there's normal sweat, and then there's "stank". When I smell this, I know something is coming out that's been in my body quite a while. I work outside already, summer's still heating up, but Friday I could smell myself, and I was both relieved and aware when around others. It means LTU is actively working.

"Better out then in, that's what I always say". (from "Shrek")

I don't have regular signs that I need showering unless I know I'm going to see people, but I took a shower 30 minutes ago after taking one this morning. I "stank", and I've been in an AC'd house 90% of today. UD is doing things I've never experienced on a sub.

[Zane]

Even though I have never used UD or any detox related subliminal.

I did notice I was smelling really bad and after few days it was gone.

I have been shitting alot and believe me it's all the crap coming out of my body.. Like years of crap. Starting to feel holy after every session.

On USLM3 ofcourse

[findingme]

I didn't think another sub could produce that, but USLM may be a producer of many inner desires and wishes, it seems. I used to actively seek out cleansing, for when it happens, I felt it throughout my whole body. I still do liver flushes regularly, and I do feel good for days after. Being clean inside is a very freeing feeling, for me. Healthy feels good.
_____________________________________________________

I am mining bitcoin presently, and I learned yesterday that withdrawals have been and will be happening all month. I initiated a withdrawal yesterday, my first, requesting they take the mining fee from my profits. Another miner doing a smaller account with me let me know last night that this isn't done anymore, as a client of his was denied it recently. My only option is to pay the fee upfront, which I don't have on me. I did tell both miners that if they gave me the fee amount, I'd give it back times 2. One is seeking a loan for this, as he'd put all his money into mining when btc hit $7000. His motivation wasn't all money either, I don't believe. He'd known this door was closed for weeks, but never told me directly. I suspect he's merely trying to do the fair thing to his client, me, so I can make a withdrawal like we've been planning for. I'll use the bulk of this withdrawal to reinvest into mining and acquire 2 long term and successful passive businesses. This withdrawal is my startup money.

I've been thinking on something, and I thought I'd share my views on it.

If anyone thinks LTU makes one's whole life easy and without pain or fear, they're merely guessing. LTU is changing my mind and thoughts, and releasing old ways is sometimes easy, and sometimes not so. Fear used to dictate 99% of my decisions. The truth is that I still know these fears, though I have something called choice now. And with it, personal responsibility.

Though I feel guilty moving forward financially and emotionally, imagining leaving old self-pitying and childish ways,
though a small part of me is still yearning for a safe space (meaning no challenges),
though I wonder what my integrity will be like with wealth and opportunities,
though I know I'll likely resign from my job, leaving men I've created a space with,
though moving near my daughter seems confusing since my ex is very close to her--and I'm unsure about trusting my ex again,

and though I've tried to offload my emotional responsibilities to others even this year.....that's my biggest one...

I choose to go forward. What scares me actually insists I make clear and simple choices. I'm not sure what to expect. I do have hope though, from someone here. I'm referring to Shannon.

I've been thinking of Shannon making recent subs, and finding answers when it was crunchtime. He hadn't seen the answer before. He credited USLM extensively. I'm on LTU which has USLM4, and with the emotional growth is coming the awareness of both old and new responsibilities. Strangely enough, I am not overwhelmed by them, nor even uncomfortably pressured. It's actually inspiring. This change is awesome. It's like these responsibilities have always been in my life. Me stepping into them is the only time I have fear, for I'm just stepping over old beliefs of "I can't".

Maybe that's why the mining and results of it aren't scaring me like they did in years past. I'm finding myself not self sabotaging, an old practice when it came to money. What I've acquired seems....normal.

This sounds like USLM to me. Thanks for putting USLM in LTU Shannon. It's undoubtedly working!

[Zane]

You have been growing really fast and the safe place you seek which talked about.. That feeling will go away and you feel safe wherever you are.. The world with just feel like one big home.

You will able to adjust anywhere.

I hope you stay on LTU much longer than you expected.. Its definitely a combo pack of everything.