Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Thanks for sharing different possibilities Infinite. It helped me see things i hadn't. And when I read this last night, I was all feelings, so I purposely didn't respond.

Yesterday it seemed like I had a major bout of resistance, like a fighting back, specifically to be and feel like a victim. I'm setting things up for a financial gain soon, I'd reached out to my daughter, a friend had contacted me seeking reparation after whining having good things in his life, all good things---and my mind went looking for old pity feelings and beliefs.

Yesterday I was being pulled into a victim mentality when I arrived home, and it seemed attractive. But starting to follow old practices of self sabotage through junk food, I knew it'd go nowhere good. It always, always, always made it sound good, and I began leaning that way. I didn't even shower when I got home. I just turned LTU on, had a snack, then got in bed. I was tired mentally and emotionally.

I feel more sane today. There still are some remnants of the old thinking, but it's not dominant.

I realized just now that being with my mom awakened a lot of old helpless feelings.

And more significant is that I'm actively looking for truth in my thinking. Being healthy seems SO foreign....wow, I'm seeing myself at my mom's again, with no hope. That affected my reality a lot. That used to be my reality.

What is different this time is I'm wanting to go to a healthier place mentally. I've had these strong beliefs come up when in her place. No joy. No freedom. No love. No desires granted. Nothing. At all. Just mom's misery. It's like 5 steps from considering suicide. My niece, who did kill herself last year, was raised by her all alone in that building. She'd tried doing it half a dozen times before succeeding. Which is sad. She was the intelligent, creative one who needed to fly. A very repressed home was everything she was not.

This is all hitting me now. I'll credit LTU for this. Gotta get up and out now.

[findingme]

Sadness from old events are surfacing. Like E3 things.

[findingme]

Shannon, this is supposed to be my 2 day rest. I've faced major resistance asking, but is it permissible to continue LTU tonight if needed? I have no idea how deep this will go. So, I'm asking.

[Shannon]

Shannon, this is supposed to be my 2 day rest.  I've faced major resistance asking, but is it permissible to continue LTU tonight if needed?  I have no idea how deep this will go.  So, I'm asking.

It is your choice in the end whether to follow the instructions or not.  The instructions are calculated for what works best for the majority of people and produces the best overall results for everybody.  At first, my girlfriend did not want to take days off, so we didn't, and it resulted in drop-dead exhaustion after a little while.  The days off haven't always been easy, but the rest is eventually necessary.  It's up to you as to whether or not now is the right time for you to take a break, since you appear to need the support of the program.

The breaks are to prevent exhaustion.  It appears that in the beginning, some cases need to shift the breaks around a bit until certain things are overcome.  But once you have achieved a certain point, the breaks are timed correctly.

It's your choice.  What's right for you?

[findingme]

Thanks for sharing the personal experiences Shannon. I had a kind of emotional hangover from this morning, which affected my day working with others, but I'm not in the same mindset or need now. I won't skip the break.

[findingme]

Success in life comes to those who feel whatever fears and do it anyway.

My mom's in the hospital again. My brother has been tending to her alone, regularly, and I found out only since my 2nd brother texted me last night. I hadn't known the first time either, and I'm open to seeing my part (aka uninvolvement) as to why she or he didn't contact me.

Got a text from my sister midday asking for me to call. I thought she'd maybe be calm. No. Not calm. In full-blown controlling mode, not dialoguing, just controlling. I sat and listened to her for 20 minutes regarding us taking care of our mom, but I don't like being pushed around by anyone. She spoke to me like my brother did weeks back.

I know she's scared. She lost her own daughter to suicide last November, she's still healing from that loss, and I feel this is her main motivation for attempting to commandeer this whole scenario.

I didn't feel right about her, but something else is working in me. It has all day.

I myself felt vulnerable most of today, and I worked with 2 new guys. The short version is I wanted some more control of the situation to appease my imagined fears (mostly from just in me, though I'd rationalized it was fears of my lead boss). So, I was a perfectionistic a**hole to these guys.
I reached out to my department supervisor, the same who'd corrected me with another worker months back, and he dropped by. I gave my story, and at the end I owned it: "I was just being too sensitive with them".

A sort of miracle happened. My supervisor went and talked with them.
These guys returned to my work area (after going elsewhere after lunch), and I didn't give eye contact, not knowing what to expect. They were talking about it at normal volume, and they were laughing. How I'd handled them was overkill IMO, but they thought it funny. I listened, being open to hearing correction if needed. This never came up. One guy came over and actually wondered what my expectations were--and I realize now I'd had my kid goggles on, seeing him as some rule-breaking bully before. No such man stood in front of me. I had actually created this "problem" from an old image in my head. The tension just went away.

So, reflecting on my sister, I did the same today. I felt hurt, scared I'd be hurt more, so I "punished" the wrongdoers which were threats to my emotions. And I made no sense if anyone was watching. I was all emotion; fear, sadness, and old pain.

Maybe......my sister's in those same shoes presently. I can relax on her. She's scared.

Gonna go visit my Mom tonight.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Sounds like LTU5 is really helping you sort things out. Good job making good progress Findingme!

[findingme]

Thanks EP.

Just got back. Went smoother than I imagined, for she'd been yelping in pain for a while in her room, and was very fidgety, constantly moving around, which caused her more pain. (she'd done vertebrae damage around Easter)
She was calm, still, and in her right mind during the latter part of my stay. Which was nice. I treat her how I'd want to be treated. She's near 80, but far from incompetent. When I let her make her own choices, she quickly feels in control again, and her anxiety lessens significantly.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Glad to hear it

[findingme]

I had a rough day. I was intimidated by lazy temp workers not wanting to do a damn thing but goof off. One even threatened me when he walked past me, me still trying to convey my point. Me touching him, attempting to get his attention, set him off, and he became full-on street thug. I went to my supervisor and told him. The worker was told to leave.....

I usually write, communicate, and breathe this air of "I need saving". Even around these guys, I felt helpless, and in my mind somewhere I was looking for my brother. He'd always saved me, and today, like many days before, I had this entitled mentality where I felt immune to consequences and had a right to it . I've lived like this my whole adult life, but I'm rarely in charge of others.

I'm seeing a connection to the victim mentality in this. "If I f*** up, I'll be saved by my brother". Today, emotionally I felt this strong urge to play victim and act helpless, since someone always had shown up for me. I always knew people would jump in for me. .............and Shannon's words of playing the victim role decreasing one's self esteem are felt here. It busts my feeling good, replacing it with me feeling really low.

But noone was there to save me today. My mind and thinking were playing the old role, but we were isolated mostly. I had to go seek help, which was to just tell on the one guy. I felt (and feel) young. This is how I'd learned to deal with major problems.

I've played it with many other men, but it never lasts. I've put myself in their shoes, and I'm only using them to fill this desire.

I don't really have a "looking forward" view presently. I'm running hybrid loops now, feeling a slight grief.............but "I just want..."

Maybe that grief's there for a reason.

(I began writing more---I was pouring the victim drama on again. Stopped to save myself)

[findingme]

I'm unsure or scared or both, but how might I change my mentality, this victim mindedness from being normal?

I've always leaned on others to give me answers, but I'm seeing this pointed towards me. I'm feeling and wanting some growth, for the uncomfortableness is growing inside.

Plus, my normal thinking is to really doubt myself. Like really loudly doubt myself inside. Is the only way out by believing in myself? I've hidden out out in fear a long time.

Listening to loops presently. This has to go deeper than putting on another mask.

[findingme]

I've not written lately. I'd been whining here, seeking some assistance or approval without being direct, and I just left my mom's house again an hour ago. The reason I left her place is the same reason: she doesn't need anyone there, but she's not being direct or honest admitting she's lonely and would just like some attention. I couldn't demand she change. From experience, I know I can only successfully change myself. Focusing on someone else changing to my standards makes ME the crazy one.

Me and my brother picked her up from the hospital yesterday, but I hung around to do my laundry. I'd made no plans to stay, but she threw a "have a little fun!" guilt trip my way, and not hearing that message much, I stayed the night. I've also been thinking down the road, with me looking back, wondering "should I have...?". But we did nothing but watch a movie. I cooked her breakfast this morning, she ate, and 2 hours later I left without re-awaking her, having a bit of guilt and fear doing it. I'd never done that without a lot of profuse apologizing. I knew it was a first for me, like I could make choices beyond the steadfast guilt I've followed. I didn't feel great doing it, but guilt has always had its way, followed by fear. Wow.

Her thinking is she wants help 24/7, I've thought that in many ways through the years. Like I wanted to have someone take care of needs I could handle myself. And even writing this, I'm actively looking for reasons NOT to follow this thinking and belief myself. This path has yielded a lot of self-created pain. Helplessness breeds helplessness (monkey see, monkey do), which fosters a lot of bad shit down the line. Self incrimination, low self-valuing, and expecting more bad things to happen. IE., helplessness to bad stuff happening. I'd be saying to anyone else "DON'T DO IT!!!!!!".

I made a different decision. Mom's not a child. She's not helpless, nor am I. I stuck to my original plan, which was to leave.


As soon as I wrote those last words, pain surfaced, the very stuff I've felt helpless over my whole life. That's why I'm on LTU presently. Why I was on E2 for months. Freedom requires my participation, and listening to subs is the very least I could do to heal my mind.

And I came home to not feel owned by that persistent neediness and helplessness. Glad I did!

[findingme]

I'm on my 2nd day of break, and I read Shannon's response to Mat on his LTU use and success with it. I identified with that writing, moreso as I write now.

Parts of me have relaxed with LTU, and parts have been hanging on quietly and very stubbornly. I equated this with "failure", and instead of posting, I held back, fearing abandonment by others. A major thing I've held to is having people's acceptance of me. Today some feelings of fear kind of drifted away as I thought of them, as I've usually relied on them. Like they just got out of reach for me, so I had to change my direction. However, I wasn't fearful at all. And during this, I felt something brewing in my gut area, like a sign that I was being freed from something.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm on my 2nd day of break, and I read Shannon's response to Mat on his LTU use and success with it.  I identified with that writing, moreso as I write now.

Parts of me have relaxed with LTU, and parts have been hanging on quietly and very stubbornly.  I equated this with "failure", and instead of posting, I held back, fearing abandonment by others.  A major thing I've held to is having people's acceptance of me.  Today some feelings of fear kind of drifted away as I thought of them, as I've usually relied on them.  Like they just got out of reach for me, so I had to change my direction.  However, I wasn't fearful at all.  And during this, I felt something brewing in my gut area, like a sign that I was being freed from something.

IT sounds like you're facing these issues but slowly changing. I'm glad for you man. I hope you're free of these issues sooner rather than later, but I believe in you and I'm sure you'll find your way past them.