Findingme's E2 journal

[Antaeus]

Wow...a lot of what you’re describing sounds like me a little bit. I wonder if I should run this sub myself?

[findingme]

Wow...a lot of what you’re describing sounds like me a little bit. I wonder if I should run this sub myself?

You could after AM6. Shannon's noted many times that stuff opened up but not cleared in AM6 could be healed with E2 or his newer subs.

[Antaeus]

Wow...a lot of what you’re describing sounds like me a little bit. I wonder if I should run this sub myself?

You could after AM6. Shannon's noted many times that stuff opened up but not cleared in AM6 could be healed with E2 or his newer subs.

I might do one more run of AM6 right after this one, before that. Only because I have other financial obligations at the moment. But E2 or even DMSI (since it has a healing component) sounds like it would be worthwhile.

[findingme]

Wow...a lot of what you’re describing sounds like me a little bit. I wonder if I should run this sub myself?

You could after AM6. Shannon's noted many times that stuff opened up but not cleared in AM6 could be healed with E2 or his newer subs.

I might do one more run of AM6 right after this one, before that. Only because I have other financial obligations at the moment. But E2 or even DMSI (since it has a healing component) sounds like it would be worthwhile.

That's good to hear. You'll know when you're ready, I am sure of that.

I am eyeing AM6 after this E2 run. Davismind91 did it like that, and I get motivated reading his experiences on AM6. He's doing AM6 refresher runs presently (I believe), but E2 really cleared up some old junk for him. I've also chatted with a couple of IML oldtimers here, and at least 2 did E2 for a season. They've said E2 was a sub which really made changes in them, looking back. And it's moving me too. I have a bit to write about today so I'm going to get off this post now. I'll talk with you later

[findingme]

Wow. What a day. I'm going to break it into 2 postings since the directions are very different, so here goes.

I visited my mom today, and she needed me to shop for her. I had 2 distinct interactions with women which says that I am attractive. Part of me is very excited, and part of me is..........scared/reluctant/acting stubborn/.....

The first was at a dollar store. She was a cute brunette who I opened up a short conversation with, which opened her up. What stuck with me was her line a minute in: "it's so HOT in here". I had realized I was escalating the situation, and (dammit!) I looked down, realizing I wanted to see her for sex. An old guilt reaction to de-escalate the situation. However, I wanted to look her in the eyes before I left, and she looked straight at me and smiling, saying "Bye...thanks!" I'm seeing her as one I'd follow up with, which is something I have never done. I can learn though

The other was not verbal at all, though it caught MY attention. I had to pick up some groceries, and women were all over this place. It was the setting where I said "sex is everywhere. I'm going to just get my stuff and not look for women. They'll find me". I did, and one did. A woman right alongside her boyfriend/husband eyed me strongly. I kept eye contact, and again that guilt feeling popped up. I looked down, thinking "why would I do this to this guy?" She picked this up, but she followed me for a minute in another isle. Hot MILF. Damn. I should be careful...........(maybe).

Both of these interactions excited me, looking back. I'm on E2, not DMSI! I am NOT complaining. I'm just really, really surprised and turned on. The headline reads "Man goes for emotional healing, and gets laid".

I've never looked into it, and Ben is the only man I've read about who attracted women on E2. I just don't get it. But I am very, very grateful

[findingme]

The second incident is not about sex. It's about my mom. Short story: I downloaded E1 for her on her phone, and have it on loop for her. She requested this. She's 78.

When I got back from shopping, I ate, and her conversation steered towards my middle brother who's been helping her a lot while she recovers from her broken elbow. But........he has been the angry victim lately, moaning and whining since he's offered to help his mother.

I have seen this. He sent me a manipulative text mid-week saying he needed some help. He was completely unspecific, and it felt like he was dangerously angry, his normal reaction. He's always been a rager. I didn't reply.

Well, my mom brought this up since he mirrors how my father was towards her when they were together: he was always right, always in charge, always demeaning and disempowering, and very dangerous emotionally and physically. He threatened violence, and would follow through. My father was 6'3", and my brother's close.

My mom began talking about this, I saw her pour 2 shots of vodka into her drink, and I realized I didn't wish to encourage this since alcohol allows unending yapping about old shit.

When she saw me slowly begin packing up, she halted herself, saying she'd never do that again. I never told her it was due to her drinking. She talked a little more, then painted a picture with words which I found extremely clear.

She told me about driving with someone you know, that person is driving wild, then he nearly flips the car in a last minute turn. She said it scares you to death, but you'd go on with life. You'd get over it.

She continued. Her next picture was present day, with someone close, and he drives just like the other driver. He even almost flips the car. She said neither think they did something wrong. Both return nasty remarks when it's spoken of. And the latter is my brother. The first is my father. She loves both, but she left the first to save her life. The latter says he loves her, but is nasty and shaming when she's with him. She said my father was the same. And with both, she walks very lightly around since she is very afraid of their anger.

I heard her, wondering if I should share my hope. The hope that subliminals have given me. I did.

I leaned down to her, telling her I was not disgusted, angry, or appalled at all by her sharing. I said I could relate, but I do have my limits. She understood. I asked if I could share what's been giving me hope, and what's been working for me. She said yes, nearly in tears.

I told her I do subliminals for one clear reason: simplicity. I said I knew it'd be BS to say "go to meetings. Sign up for therapy". I know it's a hard, heavily resisted, and painful game working out emotional traumas. She nodded her head. I said I do subs since all I do is listen. They change me. I shared I do 95% silent subs, and they change me.

I told her about E2, and I'd pay for a copy for her if she wanted. I then shared about E1, and that it was free. I repeated this is what is changing me, and I can live with myself more comfortably each and every day. I stopped, letting it soak in. 30 seconds later, she said "Ok......I'll do what you say. I do those things". She wanted the free version. Wow.

I asked if I could download it onto her phone. She said yes, and after not finding a player, I downloaded VLC too. When I set it up, I held her phone up, showing her where it was, how to start it, how to loop it, volume controls, and I left it next to her bed. I told her I just keep mine running, rarely turning it off.

She was extremely grateful I understood her situation, as she's felt helpless over this trauma. I told her I could absolutely relate to that. I picked up her apprehension, but I too wondered early on "how will I feel? Will I fight it? How do I accept this?" plus lots more doubts and fears going forward.

So, my mom presently has E1 running on ultrasonic, with her permission. What an incredible day!

[findingme]

E2 lately has been forcing me to question my own BS. I worked with the 2 women at work yesterday, and I was very aware of this. For example, one had lost some money in a tax refund deal. She made a quick comment that that money would have made her life easier, in a angry/funny tone. I almost agreed with her. But I also quickly realized what I'd wrote about 4 posts up, where I shared my real motives for eyeing more money so long. And I shared this with her.

It was a new experience. I was honest, I shared some of the real me, and it came out easily. I'd like to experience that more. I didn't have to doubt and question myself--since nothing was made up.

[findingme]

I had an experience today which I saw differently than in the past. I felt judged, but my outlook and interpretation of it is not so desperate like it was even 3 months back.

My work area at my job is in the same area of the guy who started in my position about 2 years ago, so I spent about an hour with him before I clocked out. He works a later shift than I, so he'd only been in an hour when I was cleaning up to go.

In short, I felt judged (again) while he gave me advice on how to handle new temp workers, and it wasn't partially focused on poor experiences, it was completely focused on how people would lie, manipulate, slack off, and challenge me. He's believed I needed to be assertive, but he's never seen me lead people (really??). So, I knew he was judging me once again. In months back, I would have felt he was seeing me accurately and began judging myself harshly, even dodging him to avoid feeling like shit.

I just didn't agree with his outlook today. He seemed to be talking to someone else since I could not relate and connect with this fearful, powerless person he saw. I never spoke up about it, for lately I've seen that in a few people, and I know they don't talk to hear people. Some talk to air their own beliefs only. Maybe that's just me saving my ass, but I truly did not want to be invalidated, so I didn't reply to him. I just stood, looked him in the eyes (since his were all over the place), and it felt like he was talking about some imaginary person in his head.

And about 20 minutes after his "advice", I wondered if he was projecting all his insecurities on me. He's the same skinny build, very smart, and geeky like me, so I wondered......does he see parts of himself in me? Parts he doesn't like, so he's "fixing them" via me? I just wondered.

I'm writing since an anger has remained in me. I am the normally quiet guy who's been an easy target for loud, insecure people. I'm looking at AM6 for this, as I've often equated standing up for myself to men with being ready to physically fight. (I've never been in a real fight, honestly) And I know and believe Shannon did not build AM6 with such insecurity himself. I'd like to just speak up clearly and calmly when being talked down to. I felt talked down to by the guy today--well, since I keep replaying it in my mind.

I wonder "how does one win when people ASSUME wrongly about me?"

Just thinking about that, I thought "speak up".

[Ryu]

If it was me i would start AM and then tell him too stfu.
Man talk about disrespect you, he is taking advantage over you.

I had a guy at my work always bossing me, trying too give me all the blame, because he was insecure.
Then i started
alpha male and i told him too fuck off, take responsebility for his shit,
the game was changed after i showed him who is the boss.

[findingme]

Thank you so much Ryu. It felt good seeing you angry at my situation......since all my life I have had other people stick up for me and defend me. I felt not alone while reading your post.

I've been thinking about anger since I wrote the last post, and I came back to share it. Thank you so much!

[findingme]

I took a shower after writing my last post (2 posts back). I still felt angry, and I did what I've always done: I've tried to have it make sense.

NO! That's not true. I tried to get revenge in my mind, and I had some evil thoughts. My mind jumped from Ghandi to Hitler, meaning both showed anger, but some were sicker. Or........they thought they were smarter. I worked in a state prison for over 2 years........and I saw something, which actually clicked while showering. When smart people get angry, some plan on how to get revenge. I saw this in one guy who was incredibly artistic, as smart people are often very creative. His outside "solutions" got him locked up for many years. I don't know his crime.

And then my mind went to Hitler. Who began as a school teacher. Very intelligent. I have never studied him (for I feel fear of finding similarities), but it takes a level of brilliance to persuade an entire country to follow one's beliefs. I do not think he was healthy at all mentally, but I believe he was intelligent. That intelligence killed millions of people, IMO, for power. Angry people (me talking now) have sought power. I've sought power.

I'll turn my focus on home now, as I'm seeking to find my answer.

While growing up, my mom (I thought) was the only one allowed to be angry. She'd blow up, attempting to disempower our youthful ambitions, yet I now think she only wanted power over us. She reeked powerlessness in my teen years, maybe since I wasn't about fighting her, and she turned incredibly needy at times. Even when I married, I thought making peace was the greatest thing I could do. I did feel demasculated after a while

But anger, I thought, was used to defeat, discourage, and demoralize people. To this day, I still lock up emotionally when I hear the marriage vocabulary "assertiveness training". I've never done such classes, for I feared losing MORE of myself. For I saved my ass by letting my wife dominate; but I felt like I'd sold my soul. Owwww. Though it was hidden, I was in a constant state of saving something (anything!) in me that my wife wouldn't judge. I kept some power by not communicating ME. I hid me to have some true sense of myself. It was a ****** up way of relating. But since it was normal for her too, it worked.....until I began waking up. Another story there.

I've noticed my quick replies at work of "OK!", "Thank you!", and other emotional lies I've said to people I've been intimidated by. I acted and felt the same way when married. I....sold my being while married, and I'm doing the same now.

The problem is NOT the JOB. It's ME!

The only thing I can hope for presently is something is about to break through. I began crying shortly about 30 minutes ago.........I'd turned on 80's rock on Pandora, heard ol' BonJovi and Def Leopard, and began remembering and missing old times. Ok, **** it, I'm sharing this since it's MY truth. I remember thinking and hoping someone would come and rescue me from my mom in my teens. All my brothers and sister had left, and I was the new "saviour", I presumed. To save my ass, I always made sure I agreed with her. Due to believing her lies, I became a hermit too. She was scared then, and still is. I adopted this, and believed it: Life is SCARY. I thought someone else would come and take it away. Maybe.....I still waited and hoped my brother would come back (the BRAVE one!) and we'd be kids again. For adults were needy and unable to care for themselves.

And as I've been on E2, I've been growing, feeling more like an adult. But......adults strove for power in my house. They used anger hurtfully, never helpfully. Anger has had a bad name, for myself, for a long time. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going now, but I am trying to say this. It's an old belief of mine: (Me getting angry = fearfulness in me)

I'm on E2 until Halloween. Feels like stuff is ripping up in me presently.

[Ryu]

I took a shower after writing my last post (2 posts back). I still felt angry, and I did what I've always done: I've tried to have it make sense.

NO! That's not true. I tried to get revenge in my mind, and I had some evil thoughts. My mind jumped from Ghandi to Hitler, meaning both showed anger, but some were sicker. Or........they thought they were smarter. I worked in a state prison for over 2 years........and I saw something, which actually clicked while showering. When smart people get angry, some plan on how to get revenge. I saw this in one guy who was incredibly artistic, as smart people are often very creative. His outside "solutions" got him locked up for many years. I don't know his crime.

And then my mind went to Hitler. Who began as a school teacher. Very intelligent. I have never studied him (for I feel fear of finding similarities), but it takes a level of brilliance to persuade an entire country to follow one's beliefs. I do not think he was healthy at all mentally, but I believe he was intelligent. That intelligence killed millions of people, IMO, for power. Angry people (me talking now) have sought power. I've sought power.

I'll turn my focus on home now, as I'm seeking to find my answer.

While growing up, my mom (I thought) was the only one allowed to be angry. She'd blow up, attempting to disempower our youthful ambitions, yet I now think she only wanted power over us. She reeked powerlessness in my teen years, maybe since I wasn't about fighting her, and she turned incredibly needy at times. Even when I married, I thought making peace was the greatest thing I could do. I did feel demasculated after a while

But anger, I thought, was used to defeat, discourage, and demoralize people. To this day, I still lock up emotionally when I hear the marriage vocabulary "assertiveness training". I've never done such classes, for I feared losing MORE of myself. For I saved my ass by letting my wife dominate; but I felt like I'd sold my soul. Owwww. Though it was hidden, I was in a constant state of saving something (anything!) in me that my wife wouldn't judge. I kept some power by not communicating ME. I hid me to have some true sense of myself. It was a ****** up way of relating. But since it was normal for her too, it worked.....until I began waking up. Another story there.

I've noticed my quick replies at work of "OK!", "Thank you!", and other emotional lies I've said to people I've been intimidated by. I acted and felt the same way when married. I....sold my being while married, and I'm doing the same now.

The problem is NOT the JOB. It's ME!

The only thing I can hope for presently is something is about to break through. I began crying shortly about 30 minutes ago.........I'd turned on 80's rock on Pandora, heard ol' BonJovi and Def Leopard, and began remembering and missing old times. Ok, **** it, I'm sharing this since it's MY truth. I remember thinking and hoping someone would come and rescue me from my mom in my teens. All my brothers and sister had left, and I was the new "saviour", I presumed. To save my ass, I always made sure I agreed with her. Due to believing her lies, I became a hermit too. She was scared then, and still is. I adopted this, and believed it: Life is SCARY. I thought someone else would come and take it away. Maybe.....I still waited and hoped my brother would come back (the BRAVE one!) and we'd be kids again. For adults were needy and unable to care for themselves.

And as I've been on E2, I've been growing, feeling more like an adult. But......adults strove for power in my house. They used anger hurtfully, never helpfully. Anger has had a bad name, for myself, for a long time. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going now, but I am trying to say this. It's an old belief of mine: (Me getting angry = fearfulness in me)

I'm on E2 until Halloween. Feels like stuff is ripping up in me presently.

Yo, I also had problem with anger my self, like i cant express my self because im afraid to hurt other and then they will think bad of me and im doomed.
It feels like a victim mind set and it sucks.
But what i found in AM is that, assertiveness is good, anger is good, i learned too use this anger in a good way, its a powerful force that helps get things done.

I think E2 have victim mind in it but im not sure of assertivness training.
Its good to learn how to control and express this anger in posetive way, so that you are in control and not the other way around.

Yadda good luck my friend.

[RTBoss]

I took a shower after writing my last post (2 posts back). I still felt angry, and I did what I've always done: I've tried to have it make sense.

NO! That's not true. I tried to get revenge in my mind, and I had some evil thoughts. My mind jumped from Ghandi to Hitler, meaning both showed anger, but some were sicker. Or........they thought they were smarter. I worked in a state prison for over 2 years........and I saw something, which actually clicked while showering. When smart people get angry, some plan on how to get revenge. I saw this in one guy who was incredibly artistic, as smart people are often very creative. His outside "solutions" got him locked up for many years. I don't know his crime.

And then my mind went to Hitler. Who began as a school teacher. Very intelligent. I have never studied him (for I feel fear of finding similarities), but it takes a level of brilliance to persuade an entire country to follow one's beliefs. I do not think he was healthy at all mentally, but I believe he was intelligent. That intelligence killed millions of people, IMO, for power. Angry people (me talking now) have sought power. I've sought power.

I'll turn my focus on home now, as I'm seeking to find my answer.

While growing up, my mom (I thought) was the only one allowed to be angry. She'd blow up, attempting to disempower our youthful ambitions, yet I now think she only wanted power over us. She reeked powerlessness in my teen years, maybe since I wasn't about fighting her, and she turned incredibly needy at times. Even when I married, I thought making peace was the greatest thing I could do. I did feel demasculated after a while

But anger, I thought, was used to defeat, discourage, and demoralize people. To this day, I still lock up emotionally when I hear the marriage vocabulary "assertiveness training". I've never done such classes, for I feared losing MORE of myself. For I saved my ass by letting my wife dominate; but I felt like I'd sold my soul. Owwww. Though it was hidden, I was in a constant state of saving something (anything!) in me that my wife wouldn't judge. I kept some power by not communicating ME. I hid me to have some true sense of myself. It was a ****** up way of relating. But since it was normal for her too, it worked.....until I began waking up. Another story there.

I've noticed my quick replies at work of "OK!", "Thank you!", and other emotional lies I've said to people I've been intimidated by. I acted and felt the same way when married. I....sold my being while married, and I'm doing the same now.

The problem is NOT the JOB. It's ME!

The only thing I can hope for presently is something is about to break through. I began crying shortly about 30 minutes ago.........I'd turned on 80's rock on Pandora, heard ol' BonJovi and Def Leopard, and began remembering and missing old times. Ok, **** it, I'm sharing this since it's MY truth. I remember thinking and hoping someone would come and rescue me from my mom in my teens. All my brothers and sister had left, and I was the new "saviour", I presumed. To save my ass, I always made sure I agreed with her. Due to believing her lies, I became a hermit too. She was scared then, and still is. I adopted this, and believed it: Life is SCARY. I thought someone else would come and take it away. Maybe.....I still waited and hoped my brother would come back (the BRAVE one!) and we'd be kids again. For adults were needy and unable to care for themselves.

And as I've been on E2, I've been growing, feeling more like an adult. But......adults strove for power in my house. They used anger hurtfully, never helpfully. Anger has had a bad name, for myself, for a long time. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going now, but I am trying to say this. It's an old belief of mine: (Me getting angry = fearfulness in me)

I'm on E2 until Halloween. Feels like stuff is ripping up in me presently.

Yo, I also had problem with anger my self, like i cant express my self because im afraid to hurt other and then they will think bad of me and im doomed.
It feels like a victim mind set and it sucks.
But what i found in AM is that, assertiveness is good, anger is good, i learned too use this anger in a good way, its a powerful force that helps get things done.

I think E2 have victim mind in it but im not sure of assertivness training.
Its good to learn how to control and express this anger in posetive way, so that you are in control and not the other way around.

Yadda good luck my friend.

I'm not sure what you meant here, but none of Shannon's subs promote a "victim mind."

[Ryu]

I took a shower after writing my last post (2 posts back). I still felt angry, and I did what I've always done: I've tried to have it make sense.

NO! That's not true. I tried to get revenge in my mind, and I had some evil thoughts. My mind jumped from Ghandi to Hitler, meaning both showed anger, but some were sicker. Or........they thought they were smarter. I worked in a state prison for over 2 years........and I saw something, which actually clicked while showering. When smart people get angry, some plan on how to get revenge. I saw this in one guy who was incredibly artistic, as smart people are often very creative. His outside "solutions" got him locked up for many years. I don't know his crime.

And then my mind went to Hitler. Who began as a school teacher. Very intelligent. I have never studied him (for I feel fear of finding similarities), but it takes a level of brilliance to persuade an entire country to follow one's beliefs. I do not think he was healthy at all mentally, but I believe he was intelligent. That intelligence killed millions of people, IMO, for power. Angry people (me talking now) have sought power. I've sought power.

I'll turn my focus on home now, as I'm seeking to find my answer.

While growing up, my mom (I thought) was the only one allowed to be angry. She'd blow up, attempting to disempower our youthful ambitions, yet I now think she only wanted power over us. She reeked powerlessness in my teen years, maybe since I wasn't about fighting her, and she turned incredibly needy at times. Even when I married, I thought making peace was the greatest thing I could do. I did feel demasculated after a while

But anger, I thought, was used to defeat, discourage, and demoralize people. To this day, I still lock up emotionally when I hear the marriage vocabulary "assertiveness training". I've never done such classes, for I feared losing MORE of myself. For I saved my ass by letting my wife dominate; but I felt like I'd sold my soul. Owwww. Though it was hidden, I was in a constant state of saving something (anything!) in me that my wife wouldn't judge. I kept some power by not communicating ME. I hid me to have some true sense of myself. It was a ****** up way of relating. But since it was normal for her too, it worked.....until I began waking up. Another story there.

I've noticed my quick replies at work of "OK!", "Thank you!", and other emotional lies I've said to people I've been intimidated by. I acted and felt the same way when married. I....sold my being while married, and I'm doing the same now.

The problem is NOT the JOB. It's ME!

The only thing I can hope for presently is something is about to break through. I began crying shortly about 30 minutes ago.........I'd turned on 80's rock on Pandora, heard ol' BonJovi and Def Leopard, and began remembering and missing old times. Ok, **** it, I'm sharing this since it's MY truth. I remember thinking and hoping someone would come and rescue me from my mom in my teens. All my brothers and sister had left, and I was the new "saviour", I presumed. To save my ass, I always made sure I agreed with her. Due to believing her lies, I became a hermit too. She was scared then, and still is. I adopted this, and believed it: Life is SCARY. I thought someone else would come and take it away. Maybe.....I still waited and hoped my brother would come back (the BRAVE one!) and we'd be kids again. For adults were needy and unable to care for themselves.

And as I've been on E2, I've been growing, feeling more like an adult. But......adults strove for power in my house. They used anger hurtfully, never helpfully. Anger has had a bad name, for myself, for a long time. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going now, but I am trying to say this. It's an old belief of mine: (Me getting angry = fearfulness in me)

I'm on E2 until Halloween. Feels like stuff is ripping up in me presently.

Yo, I also had problem with anger my self, like i cant express my self because im afraid to hurt other and then they will think bad of me and im doomed.
It feels like a victim mind set and it sucks.
But what i found in AM is that, assertiveness is good, anger is good, i learned too use this anger in a good way, its a powerful force that helps get things done.

I think E2 have victim mind in it but im not sure of assertivness training.
Its good to learn how to control and express this anger in posetive way, so that you are in control and not the other way around.

Yadda good luck my friend.

I'm not sure what you meant here, but none of Shannon's subs promote a "victim mind."

http://www.subliminal-shop.com/product/e...g-aid-2-0/
Search for: Overcome The Victim Mentality (full script).

Thats what i meant.