Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

I am seeing and feeling a lot. And noticing a desire to remain quiet about this challenge. I'm seeing my needs of taking responsibility for my life. E2 is making this possible. I keep looking for attractive reasons, via memories, for why I should not do this.

I'm here in the hospital with my mom, talking to her peacefully, and looking for these reasons. I had this realization, as I looked at her, that I was wishing that she'd make my life happier. I must have been thinking like I was 5 years old, for she could have done this. But she didn't. I've hung on that part there for decades, never thinking........why didn't she?

Well, she hid, like me. I've been hiding out from (mostly)--responsibility for myself. And we've not been much different. She's known few other ways, nor sought them. I bet she feels like a failure.

I spot it. I got it.

I'd stopped this post to drive home, and during my drive, I felt the feelings of failure. Why haven't I changed? I'd fail my mom and her wants for me. Why haven't I dated? I'd not felt this before, but hiding out from my responsibilities equated to me refusing to involve myself in a relationship. Relationships demand honesty and willingness to give of oneself. Thus, I felt like I've been failing in that. I've failed taking on adult tasks and norms.

That hurt. And I saw it. And my part is not finished. Not at all.

Today, I noticed more than half a dozen women looking at me for one reason: I was doing my own thing, not seeking their approval. Whether during driving, at the store, or at the hospital, I was in my own thoughts not wanting to give my power over to another for their approval. From reading AM6 info, I wasn't needy for their approval. I chose to focus on my tasks, and it attracted them. Whenever I tried to earn some approval (with one woman specifically today), she turned away.

And....am I seeing this correctly? Does a man's willingness and readiness to be in a relationship affect the man's sense of completeness, of his life goals? I do have needs and drives to connect, protect, and nurture--strong ones. I let my (now ex) wife dominate our relationship, and it squelched that desire for a long time.

But I'm not with her anymore physically. I still have emotional stuff to clear with her (for why would I try to focus on her in the middle of my post?)

I'm seeing and feeling a lot today. I chose to share it when I could have buried it once again. Even before writing here, shame came forward, hoping to condemn me and keep peace by silencing me. Thank you Shannon, for making this sub to remove and eliminate shame and all its dirty partners. Life works much better without them.

[findingme]

Something clicked yesterday, a manifestation of what I'd been thinking about. Something showed up while driving, and I'm proud I noticed it.

I was driving my scooter on a main road, and I used that road on my motorcycle 30 years ago. Since my scooter is less stable than a motorcycle (smaller tires), I had to be very aware since cars were packed on this six-lane highway. I've noticed I can drift left or right quickly, and thinking like a car driver, if I saw someone drifting, I'd think they were not paying attention, or they didn't know how to control the bike. So I held tightly to my lane to not spook drivers.

I also noticed I had been in a lazy mindset, having slept in to stay with my mom at the hospital vs. going to work. I've ridden motorcycles or scooters over a decade collectively, and I've felt secure driving since I take it very seriously. But yesterday, in a matter of minutes, something clicked. While driving this busy road, I relaxed mentally for a second. I drifted right, and it spooked me--it happened so fast. And I tried to be lazy mentally just a minute later, and this is when I saw it.

Instead of paying attention and planning my own moves like I normally do, I looked at the car in front of me and just sleepily "followed". This is something I never do on a bike since car drivers LOVE to tailgate each other, and they constantly tap their brakes, even at high speeds. I put myself in danger since I always keep distance since cars behind a brake tapping motorcyclist will fall way back. We can stop much sooner than any 4-wheeler, and a rear-end could end us. I always give myself lots of space behind vehicles, and in my sleepiness I realized I was closer than I was comfortable with. It's not something to take lightly, not on a bike.

This is what clicked. When I follow everyone else lazily through life, I'm being a lazy "sheeple". It's the mentality "everyone else is doing it, so I will too". But when I plan and decide for myself purposely, I can and do feel safe. I am responsible for my own choices, and I am responsible for my actions. Blaming someone else isn't even a desired option, for...do I want to succeed in my quest, or do I want to be the anxious, nervous, "other people are responsible for me" kind of person? For my own peace of mind and sanity, I want the first.

Me and my mom were talking about this yesterday, and I'd not thought of me driving. But seeing that was so real. When I just follow along, I endanger myself.

This is touching me emotionally, for I have been unhappy in life for many years. All to earn people's love. I thought if I did what they wanted, I'd feel loved. And other people's love can be fickle.

This is sticking with me.

[findingme]

Back to work today. My mom's back home with oxygen tanks, but she's still moving around just like she normally does.

I was moved these last few days being with my brothers and Mom. And I'm guessing here why. Though H+C has helped me draw boundaries with them (comfortably, actually), I chose to spend time with all. I've had a wall up for months which kept everyone out, but I was able to keep my boundaries around them and still be close. I never had to enforce my boundaries either.

Do I trust them? That's not the real issue here. Do I trust myself? I challenged my all-or-nothing approach these last days. When I looked at what was in front of me vs. being in my head, things went well. I've made "truth" of what I've thought, felt, and remembered, squelching interactions to bare minimums for quite a while. I feel better now, and I am still learning. Trust takes time. Even for myself.

I'm feeling that slight sadness here, when I let go. I'll share more when I know since I don't know now.

[findingme]

I'm having 2 things happen currently. Both are good change. It's just very new to me.

First, the lesser realization. I wanted to write earlier in the afternoon since I'd been listening to E2 at work, and my feelings were surfacing. That's what my 2nd point is about here, but I think I just experienced something I'd never fully identified. It's about self-validation. When I wanted to write earlier, I didn't feel alone and needy, so I could have just laid it out here. But in the last hour, I've fought coming here, (feeling small, or young), and putting on a persona. In the last 20 minutes, it clicked. I am validating myself.

Wow.........I'm crying now sharing this. That's major. I've come here almost every time I write, silently asking "am I worthy? Tell me I'm worthy" I've ignored myself doing this; maybe that's why it saddens me, as ..........can I/I can do this myself? Tears on and off now.

Gonna take a break to come back to my 2nd point.

[findingme]

My 2nd point goes along with my 1st, the self validation.

I considered coming here, sharing this, but ignoring the truth that I wanted to write to receive some confirmation/affirmation that I was worthy. Still a bit sappy presently from point #1 above.

In short, I wanted to admit and share that I've been resisting something in E2 since its had a strong foundation. I've felt that lump in the throat, a desire to cry it out........and have resisted it. It's a fear that my sadness will take over and I'll be stuck in pain. Like life would definitely change if I went there or maybe even let go of whatever it was. I've been in my head some, and what I've feared, I've only.....well, feared.

I've never been this emotional on E2, even though this feeling has surfaced before. I usually pushed it back or ignored it. I thought earlier about diverting onto experiences using UD since it overpowered resistance well, and I'd often cry stuff out. (It'd make me--kind of--look good being successful on UD)

But that's what point #2 was. I've been resisting. I'll also share I've felt ashamed of this since I equated it with thinking I was failing. Hiding feelings of failure have been major, primary needs of mine, for I feared the shame and self-incrimination I'd put on since.......it's what I've known.

It goes like this. I feel like I'm failing, and I edge towards shaming and belittling myself. So, I try to veer away from that feeling quickly.

I'm crying again. I've failed a lot of times, but have hid it. First, from myself. And then to anybody else.

I'm going through this now. I'll continue validating myself.....

[findingme]

I went to my friend's house, and 3 of us played our normal game.

Near the end of our night, I ended up sharing about where I've felt afraid presently, and what stuck with me is that as I kept trying to point at other people, my family specifically, I could very easily point at myself too. As we spoke, it was pointed out that I am only mad at them since... they're not giving me what I want, and as long as they are my problem, I don't have to see I'm responsible for me, not them. I knew it was true.

[findingme]

I had my first case of emotional spit-up since I've been on E2. I reacted to my lady trader asking me questions, and my answers I've been sharing over and over again for days. I began cussing over text via Whatsapp, and I've never done that with anybody.

I have no defense for my actions. I do have reasons. I'm still angry at this, and I've never been angry at this. Maybe some good lies in this.

Well, it's Sunday, the day I usually visit my mom. Since last night I was discussing my mom with my friends, I've been dwelling on "why" I'm angry. I realized clearly she takes and takes, calls to take, texts to take. She only calls if she needs something. Her belief is that since we're around, she can take time, anything, everything......and as long as she "needs" it, we should-----correction, I should--give it. 2 things have become apparent today.

First was her call, which came around 2pm. When I listened to her message (since I did not answer when she called) I was first pained, then angry, then pissed. I heard the "emotional emergency" I've shared I have created myself. Headsmack. She wants her laundry done, and her call was riddled with guilt, shame, and a handing off of her fear to have her OCD wants for order filled. I've done some "rescues"; it's never enough. Some "needs" are incredibly stupid, like asking me to dust her room when we got home from the hospital; it wasn't dusty AT ALL, though she feared another breathing emergency if it wasn't dusted. I did it, and she looked for misses, which she found and criticized. Grrrrrr....

The other thing was this: I've not had any consistent boundaries with her--and I've rarely spoke up for myself. I'm the strange one since I'm the only one who'll say "no" without a crisis on hand. I shared this last night with friends. I'll say "I have to get going" and she'll ignore and dismiss it with this need, this conversation, mostly (I think) since she doesn't want to be alone. Like she is saying "I don't care what you need, I want ................" and on she goes. Like I'm "rude" for having desires to not babysit a basically healthy, mobile adult. I'm pissed she is so blind to herself.

And I spit my anger at my trader today, another woman in the mix. I was reacting to feeling powerless over my mom.

I'm still battling some guilt within. I apologized to my trader 30 minutes ago, not dismissing what I'd done. My guilt is from me feeling I'm saying "F*** YOU!" to my mom since she doesn't hear "no". When my mom called again (while I was mad), I didn't try to hide it. She picked up I was pissed, even wanting to "fix it", but realized I shouldn't come over today. I agreed to come over tomorrow.

Going is not the issue. Me conveying my feelings about this is something I've avoided time and time again. I'm going to start writing this out. I can convey clearly on paper much better.

Going forward.

[findingme]

I just finished my letter. I'm printing it out, and I'm considering handing it to her when I leave tomorrow. Tbh, I'm unsure actually when I'll hand it off to her.

It's not a bitch letter. I bitched some, but I focused on me changing, and changes I'm going through presently. I admitted I use subs a lot, I said they give me hope and ease the transition, but ........I'll not go back and constantly critique my work. I shared I'd pull away more if she remains the same. I said I don't like feeling like an emotional life preserver. She is a competent, capable adult, able to find and create new relationships, and love should not be acquired through fear, guilt, and shame. (No, I didn't state the latter part in any way. K.I.S.S)

A truth: this is as much an emotional challenge for ME as it is for her. I remember Al-Anon teachings that the non-drinking spouse is often as much a part of the problem as the alcoholic is. The same principle is at work with me here. I need to......get out of the way............... Let her make her decisions.

Never thought I'd be in this spot

[findingme]

Were I younger, I'd just accept this. I'd constantly "guess" what my mom's needs were, hoping I was right. I'd also take blame if she didn't like something.

F that! This sick thinking of unspoken expectations and guilt trips are really bothering me.

10 minutes ago, my oldest brother called from my mom's house. I don't like him in his deceptiveness, so I let it go to voicemail. He texted me, wondering if I needed to be picked up since it's raining. I said I didn't need that. I added that she'd told me she needed me in the afternoon, but hadn't been specific. He said "we need to leave by 4". Without much thought I quickly replied (feeling annoyed) "Mom's not let me know what else she needs or when she needs me. Until she communicates, I'm here"

No reply has come.

I am feeling annoyed by the set up guilt foundation in my family, of the anger and shaming if not able to read their minds, of what I see I've lived in my whole life: "we lie to ourselves constantly so we remain safe. Honesty is not good, especially with ourselves. Everything is FINE..."

I let a lot my life go by expecting good, desirable, and beneficial choices and changes, and I am pained with the present standard.

This could sound like I'm acting superior. Compared to that standard, hell yes. Nothing works functionally in that setting. I'll name E2 as the instigator in this, for it's aimed at helping me make sane decisions, and I'd done the same things they did, uncomfortably.



I need to own something though. I have old pain which has been bubbling lately, and it's coming forward. I read some story this morning of a daughter cleaning up her deceased mom's house. While alive, her mom was cold and harsh. She was stone cold. But she left something for her daughter which she found during cleaning, a quilt, and I cried freely reading it. The quilt connected them and made the daughter feel really, really loved.

I cried since I've wanted this too. I've wanted that. I've really wanted that.

When I look at my Mom, the chaos seems favored over peace since (in my own experience), when it quiets down, internal pain gets louder. She likes the former it seems, and I am not in control of that. When I first began E2 almost 2 years back, I thought I might "help" her make decisions which......I wanted. It didn't happen. When I'm over, I succumb to the constant chaos since my voices are saying "I failed". And I'm angered quickly lately when I'm asked to come over. For me, I've been kicking my own ass, and her requests to come over have been instantly pissing me off. But that's why. I always thought I could rescue Mom. My major in college, psychology, was in part motivated by that. I also know the adult logic and reasoning of why it isn't possible.

But the hurting kid in me is coming out, and he's angry. He's vulnerable. And if he were met with love, he'd crumble into tears. He just wants love. I want love. I need that.

Got a call from Mom just now. She apologized for not communicating to me. She asked if I was ok today, and I replied I'm working through it (something like that). No tension between her and I. The tension and sadness is in me, which I didn't share. I instantly imagined not being listened to if I shared.

Why do I hold on to anger?

It keeps me safe. The hurt kid inside needed and still needs safety.

Edit: I re-read what I wrote above. ...... I'm doing, and thinking, the very same things she's doing and thinking. And all of this is about changing me. Oh yeah...... Sounds dumb admitting that........ but I've had that rescuer hat on for a long time. E2 helps me change me, not me change her. Easy does it findingme.....

[findingme]

I went and saw my mom. I've been home almost an hour prepping for tomorrow. I'm trying to be ok with how I've been these last 4 hours.

Because once I'd taken my brother to his bus-stop, I returned to my mom. I did our laundry, and at some point, I chose to be......not serious. I wasn't serious in any way. I kept playing the role of a Suthern hillbilly, who tokked funny. And spit bacca, sur nuf. I stayed in that role even after I left.

I'd been aware of it driving home. I was imagining playing the role during our normal driver huddles at work, which occur every morning. In my head, I always had a funny answer, but hillbilly boy never smiled. "Life's surrius. Gotta lurn to just say 'fuk it!'"

I was popped out of it, well, I forced myself out of when I was unloading my van. My door nicked my neighbor's car. White paint (my van's white) on a dark shiny car. I rubbed it off as well as I could, until they walked out the front door to leave. I looked at neither in the eye. And part of me still wanted to PLAY, to blow off surrius stuff, ya knows?

I'm laughing now, since when I came in my room, I went over by my PC. E2 was still running, and I opened up my email window to see any interesting emails (most are business related). Well........my old sponsor had sent me an old Monty Python video he found on YT, so I sat down and watched it. I'd never seen it, but the latter part was the Lumberjack song where he begins singing how he began dressing like a woman and wore high heels. As these lyrics come on, his male backup singers who before this were proud and loud manly men, actually stopped singing and walked off the stage.

So, what did I do? I replied to my old sponsor with "Different. Wats rongs with hi heels?.....hee hee". It makes me laugh since he'll see it and say "....What......the.......f***!!???" I'll play it cool when I see him next Saturday.

Being in the real world isn't very fun presently. Maybe I gots ta be more surrius. But surrius people gets hearty tacks. Hummmm......gots me sum thinkins ta do.

[findingme]

I've been wanting to share tonight for I have had some positive awarenesses today.

I did have a great day. No major "wow!" moments, just numerous awarenesses that life is good for me right now. I'll share some E2 connections which showed up today.

First off, self validation is becoming evident. I've noticed both an uncomfortableness with my norm of expecting men to validate me, plus the awareness that......I don't always need or want this. Today, I worked with a man whose company I enjoy, yet I've noticed his uncomfortableness with being a full time validator for me when I want it. I've noticed the option to act immature, pout silently, or form bitterness, but no, no, no. Doing any of that always made me more unhappy.

We took a 15 minute break in the afternoon, and we both headed opposite ways. I needed some quiet, I took it, and after 10 minutes, I found him, knowing now I wished him to lift my spirits. I said his name once, but he didn't respond, and I chose to see it as him needing some solitude. So, I walked away after 20 seconds or so. (That's when the 3 negative options listed above showed up). But drama wasn't desired, so I let it go. Nothing bad came of that, and our day continued with comfortable discussion without expectations on my part. It felt good doing something new and good for me.

The second thing I'm still processing, for it's still changing me. It revolves around positive thinking and a positive attitude. I noticed I chose to be thankful and enjoyed this today.

Where it came to the surface was when I called my mom since she requested it when I got off work. Within 10 seconds of me calling, I shared I had a great day today. In a rather depressed tone, she asked me why I had a great day. I said simply that many small things happened which made it a great day.

Her reaction was that it was nothing like the previous 4 conversations she'd had with me. I quickly and clearly sidelined her negative obsession with "I'm not in yesterday. I had a great day today!" And I said this positively!

What hit me clearly here was: she's living in the PAST.

If I've struggled with anything on E2, it's the realization that I have been hanging onto my past...........every... single... day. I'm not proud of it, and THAT is the main reason I've resisted growing on E2. My past was my stinky blanket I've held on to. I used to share it regularly.....but I notice people don't want to live in my past. And I shared mostly gloom and pain.

So, maybe E2 is tearing up this old gloom-filled preoccupation I've had. Using it for attention is very unsatisfying. It did happen. I just don't want to live there. It's starting to really smell!

This is why I've had such a good day today

[findingme]

What I'm dealing with now: trusting myself. I had success being me today; why am I scared?

E2 is picking at beliefs I've had---or rather the barriers to moving beyond encrusted beliefs which began during significant traumas in my past. Something in me, which is a lot of me, is being touched. I'm vulnerable at this moment.

This morning, I asked my rule 4 character for help today, and I think I got it. 2 temp workers came in to help me in my area, and I fell comfortably and successfully into my old teacher/guide role. Both were lesbian women who were strangers to each other, but I relaxed them explaining and showing them what we were doing, what they could expect, and what was expected of them. I almost felt like a cheerleader in my excitement--I was excited since I was relating successfully and explaining clearly, plus actually praising each regularly. It felt like my old teaching days. My job was to show them how to do their assignment, then celebrate when they got it. It was fun and not cumbersome with them being women. In fact, both opened up to me during my rather short time with them (maybe 2 hours--I was needed elsewhere then).

One was a ex-Navy SeaBee who'd served in Kuwait. She shared some of her experience there, and I told her I was quite impressed as I'd never known a woman combat vet. And she just bought a house and her girlfriend is expecting a baby in a few weeks.

The other I thought was a guy originally--short hair and not curvy at all. Though she was less vocal, it was cool to see her response when I praised her for something she'd done. And 30 minutes in, I told her she looked tired. She opened up saying lots of stuff was on her mind. Her girlfriend was a creep, and she was not looking after their baby. All I did was listen and hear her real feelings.

I did learn at the end of the day that both will be back Monday, which is good news to me. I made them feel welcome and comfortable in a new place, which was how I was treated in another company 3 years back doing similar work. I would have stayed with that company for years for that exact reason. I felt good being treated like I was valuable, and it stuck with me.

When I was reassigned to another task 2 hours in with another employee, I shined there too. I felt like I was.......showing off to heterosexual women, who were plentiful on the roads today. I was on my feet, running, and I felt really good doing it. I kept it up the entire day. It was a rush, and I vocalized this to my driver.

So, what hit me? I did have E2 playing on my phone.

I noticed I felt nervous--truth here--with the male driver the latter half of the day. The truck was loud, so talking was infrequent, and I'd have this twinge of resentment when he spoke since I couldn't really understand him. It wasn't resentment at him, it was an old feeling of helplessness in a man to man situation. (Edit: it was resentment at myself. I blamed myself for not fixing the situation, if it were even possible) My brother feelings and fears surfaced--namely abandonment. My only coping mechanism, then and today, was to find a reason to make him the bad guy ("he's ignoring me, the a**hole"). Though it didn't pop up loudly, it was there. It was: I was looking for a reason to abandon him and make him the bad guy. That's my old survival strategy.

I'm just.......different now. I'm not swimming in fear, though I feel it. Sadness is in my throat, and I'm......not fully comfortable with it. I'm trying to trust myself, and I feel like I'm fighting ME doing this. Like I'm trying to keep in my safe, uncomfortable world. Part of me wants to let go, and the angry part is slowly breaking down. In my mind, I see him agonizing loudly, weeping, hurt and feeling the pain like it happened yesterday.

I'm running E2 now, seeking some comforting or resolution. I just keep thinking "I might f*** this up". Like I'm looking for reasons to abandon myself now. F***

Going to get to bed now before I dig too deep. Sleep may do me wonders.

[findingme]

I've been facing a lot of doubts about myself. Going through it, I've felt scared, sad, and when pushed, angry. A norm in my personality is being shaken up, and I've felt really successful some days, but I've felt my confidence slip when in a new setting. Today/tonight I've felt my confidence--or my cockiness--pull back.

I just realized something. I used to immaturely lean on people continually, letting them lead me. I've been back and forth doing that this week. I think I'm pulling away from this, and part of me is still looking for it. It'd keep me in this non-responsible and immature reality. And I've been not supportive of myself a number of times today when I would distract myself from this truth.

I'm writing now, trying to put it in words clearly.

I was in Walmart just now, having stopped there after leaving my friend's house. I was already feeling vulnerable, and I was trying to be noticed by some women in the store, both with and without boyfriends with them. Though I was aware of this, I was (and am) in conflict. Why? I felt like I was putting on a front, and a growing part of me is trying to get MY attention. I need peace with myself about something ... I'm just not sure what this part is trying to say.

I almost wrote it's confusing. No---that's not it either.

I've lived behind a wall/mask for so long I'm not sure who I'll be when I've healed a bit. I've hid myself since I'm more responsible and aware of the many painful people and circumstances in my life, and I know I'd actually face these challenges, peacefully if possible. I'm seeing worst-case scenarios in my mind, which has effectively kept me stuck.

I am still in a process of change.

[findingme]

Another change has been happening too. I've spoken about the fronts, the images I've held up, and one I've been hanging onto for a while now is all about making money from home, doing something online.

As I write, part of me still wants to lie and proclaim "I know this" and "I know that". That's not me though. That's fear leading the way. My motivation all these last few years doing this was not about making money. It has always been to have others like me. It's always been that. I thought "if I am successful making money, someone will like me". I've felt like I've been stuck in middle school, seeking to be accepted by "cool" people. I just felt and pictured that in my head. Maybe there's a connection.

I've had no desire to look up opportunities this whole week, though I have been working with my trader. The difference is I've been pretty honest with her, especially while on E2. Having an honest relationship is much different than keeping up a front.

I'll note something to end this. As I've wrote, the fear, which is my norm, is still alive and looking for its place. I'm not fretting about it. E2 has done unexpected and unplanned things, so planning ..........has mostly been fear-based. I'll let it keep working. I'm just looking out for today.

Thank you Shannon for making E2