Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

I've been having fear surface, but E2 is a full-time H+C sub. It's nothing like Zane's experience on UMOP, but gradual and kind of progressive.

Mine has been having fears and reminders around old relationships. Mostly, and primarily around family. My oldest brother is staying with my mom while she recovers from broken bones, and it would require a full-time emotional shield (I imagine) to go visit her again since being around my oldest brother is such a mind-f***ing experience.

Also, I've been hostile toward people trying to deceive me. I blasted the woman trader I work with yesterday since she did just that. I've been angry towards myself when I'm trying to believe old lies.

Which brings me to something I've noticed numerous times this week, and it's linked to my anger. I've lived in a fantasy world so long that it actually became my life. This fantasy had been easier to stomach, and I looked for people with similar thinking whether it was at work, church, school, or anywhere. When people agree with it, it reinforces it.

This fantasy thinking is being picked away slowly, and I had an experience yesterday which showed me questioning it myself. I was playing our money game with friends last night, and I've shared in other journals how one guy lives in a lot of denial (fantasy is a better world though).

He'll often go into long monologues of his plans and actions on wealth building, sharing minute and frustrating details. Last night, for my own reasons, I asked him repeatedly for specific actions he'd done TODAY to move forward with his goals. He repeatedly kept going into the theories and plans, and I kept returning him to today. I did this since I've done the same avoidance thinking, and I was not hot or angry in any way. But the fantasy thinking was seen plain as day to me, and I was asking compassionately.

Because we both have had blinders on for very real reasons, and I pick up he's not wanting to feel like a failure in present life; thus the many defenses and diversions. Plus, his wife is very, very unhelpful in any way to him, constantly criticizing him. That's taking a toll on his self image, and he's showing more powerlessness going forward with such non-support.

For myself and my fear today, I instantly imagine someone finding weaknesses and criticizing me when thinking of talking to strangers, friends, acquaintances, and family--I am very resistant to being around family. I noticed while writing that that I criticize myself when I'm "failing" in a social gathering. I tear myself down heavily. THAT is why I don't socialize much. I treat myself badly, and it's been "normal" to me.

How do I change that? I don't know now. This has been my reactive lifestyle, and I'm looking..............whoa....I have to stop. Naming and blaming big reasons, like "they're the problem". I'm looking for reasons to believe I'm helpless. The victim mindset was used every day in my life. I'm looking for it since it's easier than taking responsibility for it. (I may fail). More "reasons".

I did admit that. I'm seeking ways to be responsible in it.

I can do this. I will do this. I will succeed. When I stumble, I'll get back up again. I am successful. I can do this!

Different.


Edit: Does E2 or any other sub help with the self-criticism, and the pattern of doing this to oneself? The only thing I know of is UMOP, which has a feature preventing it. I'd been eyeing USLM myself. I'm open to suggestions.

[findingme]

Ok, going to my mom's now. She did her normal manipulative routine of calling twice, back to back, since she has some "emergency". I didn't answer. I HATE the lying and manipulation. I might mention it. Will see.

She texted giving her reasons. My brother, the saviour here, left back for Miami, and her text literally said "****'s gone. I need your help. Ouch......that hurts......." like I'd come since she's in some emergency. She creates emergencies constantly so people will rescue her. Vomit.

I'm going knowing I'll only stay 30 minutes or so. I literally just boxed up my laundry, planning on doing at her house. I don't want to do that. I'll be stuck there until it's finished, and it's a mindf*** for me. I'm keeping my laundry here and will wash it when I'm home.

My clearest motivation for going is this: months back, when I first purchased LTU 5G, I'd run it less than 24 hours. I'd planned on skipping out from seeing my mom. LTU kicked in, motivating me to keep my original word, and I did even though it was a do-nothing Sunday in the late afternoon. I felt good about myself taking care of my responsibilities. I'm going today mostly since I don't wish to regret not going. She's still my mom. I'll learn something too. I'm looking for the lesson.

[findingme]

Went to mom's. Felt uncomfortable. Was hovered over when doing what she asked. I saw why I self criticize, as she only spoke when something was not perfect.

And yay me! I spoke up about the hovering near the end of my visit. I said I always wait for her "correction", but I also said I knew some things are never perfect, trying to share my frustration. She said she'd not do that next time.

I left there feeling very unsettled. Very uncomfortable. I wanted to share it with someone else (or anyone), so I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in my town since it was the only meeting I knew of or felt relatively safe in. The reading was on a spiritual focus, which I won't share (Rule 4), but I picked up what I needed from it. Sometimes, just being in a meeting can shrink my problems to reasonable size. It worked. I didn't share since I'm not a drug addict, but I got what I needed.

And the meeting ended. I felt comfortable about just leaving, which I did. But I had confused feelings about not talking or connecting with anyone after. And I think I saw why, thanks to E2. I'd bitched about my mom this morning, and how she lied and manipulated to get her needs met. Years back in meetings, I heard "if you spot it, you've got it". I'd been thinking of this when I first left my place to go see my mom. And as I began leaving the meeting, I realized I felt uncomfortable staying and talking since, out of a fear I've held to, I've lied and manipulated to get and keep people's attention. I shared here today I hate that. I hate it because I do it myself.

I hope E2 will help me be more honest and more open when sharing with others. I'll add I'm grateful I'm committed to this for 90 days, especially with all the new toys (subs) out. I will say sharing here is a relief now. It is a very good start

[findingme]

I'm going to share something which scares me kind of. But it's not emotional stuff, memories, and such. It has to do with my present occupation.

I'm taking from an E2 journal I read sometime in the last 2-3 weeks, and the sub user shared he didn't like the occupation he was in. He was reevaluating his present direction, and Shannon chimed in saying E2 has that ability to put them on a path following their heart. I'm wishing to find that journal again, for I very grossly put it in my own words. That journal encouraged me, though I'd forgotten about it. I'll lay out where my head was today to bring me where I am now.

While at work travelling to different stops, I'd get on my phone and check emails. I'm subscribed to a number of journals here.

I also get emails from another sub vendor who makes his own subs. The message today was about finding your purpose. Intrigued, I read. I've never used any of his subs, but the idea(s) were in my head.

For some reason, I am examining my actions and desires for doing an online business, which I'm currently not doing. I was looking and considering things I've not really considered before. One leads seller I've been subscribed to for almost 3 years, and I actually unsubscribed many months back. Still getting his emails in my trash folder, where I found it and looked inside. I was considering his offer in tandem with other services or products I could sell.

But what struck me came at the end of the day. Since I've actually been hired on (since last Friday), I'm wearing their uniform now. I had one worker say I was a "company man" now. I liked the attention, but the title...........I'm not sure that's me. It feels like I've sold my soul, almost. Another driver asked me about me getting my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I was honest, though I realized I was close to the boss' office, where he could have heard me. I told the driver "I've not been looking into that lately. I've been looking into lots of things". I felt nervous, so I was purposely vague.

I've not stated I don't want to be a driver for this big company, but it's not my dream or want at all. The money's good.......but is that the ONLY reason I'd stay for years? The expected response from normal employees would be sickening to me:

Do it for the money!
Get the benefits!
Work for 20 years and retire nicely!

........they're small, small, very small ideas of what motivates me. Those things do NOT motivate me. The primary reason I've been a "good employee" was to earn my boss's approval. I won't hide that. Making my boss think I could be his man to choose for new positions was my focus. Now I've been chosen, and I'm feeling.....unimportant. I'm thinking "I'm just on the hamster wheel now. Same thing, day in, day out..."

The reason I've started and stopped in successful home and online businesses 10 times or so is simple. I've not believed in myself. I'm doing my present job since someone else believed in me, and it encouraged me to work for more of it. And I did that. Just...... something is changing in me. My motivation is not money. It's freedom. Freedom to create, explore, grow, explore more, make peace with myself, all of that. It feels like I've stated before, like I'm selling my soul working with this "stable" company.

I've eyed USLM to motivate me more and clear out my hindrances to move forward. UMOP is good, but my procrastination is fear motivated. Fear of this, that, whatever. Being successful, in my mind, is similar to my messy thoughts about sex: like I'd have to "use" people to execute on it. And that's never felt right to me.

Lastly, I'll connect some dots here. In the Myers Briggs tests, I am an INFP. I questioned it in the years I learned about it, I gave room for misjudgements, but retesting many times and reading on feelings and characteristics, I know I am an INFP. A dreamer. An idealist. I've gone into my main library and pulled out MBTI books to remind me and refocus my desires so I wasn't wasting my time considering options (mostly when job searching). From life experiences, I am a musician, a teacher, an encourager, a builder of other's dreams, and now I'm in a new spot; I'm looking at MY dreams, MY motivations, and everything that is ME.

Thank *** I'm on a sub focusing on MY stuff, MY feelings, and apparently, MY dreams.

Just sharing here: I feel like I have to run AWAY from naysayers of my dreams, but moving towards my dreams excites me. And I just felt that.

[findingme]

Something in me has changed, and I think it's good. I've shared many times, on this and other journals of mine, how I hate lying to others full-time. This morning, I imagined being defensive when talking to coworkers when I arrive at work, so I looked at what's bothering me.

I have thought that being fake was the only thing acceptable. I'd rather ignore people and not look them in the eye vs. put on a front. I've done the latter hundreds of times, and I've had few times I'd want to do it again. I feel like I'm on stage, constantly looking for my parts to come up.

But this morning, some choice in me is trying to be acknowledged. I don't have to be fake. My defensiveness is more pointed at myself. "Why can't I drop the act?"

I also thought I'd feel stronger when I chose to not put fronts on. My "strength" has always been fear, nothing more. Fear puts on a lot of masks.

I'll see what happens today.

[findingme]

Ok, I got pissed right before leaving work. Been considering my solutions and possible choices, and..... doubt rose, maybe from fear, so I'm pretty sure it'd be the right choice.

First, I asked my ex-Marine alpha boss before leaving if I'd be doing a certain task tomorrow, he said yes, and another worker came up behind me waiting his turn. What pissed me off was the boss blew me off so quickly to begin talking with the other guy enthusiastically. I felt dismissed, and I'm mad. I shared two days ago how I felt unimportant at work, and that is what I'm talking about. I've not had a spine, people know it, and I've been regularly dismissed.

I'd been reading some journals today, and I opened Antaeus' AM6 journal. I'm unsure exactly what stage he's on, but his anger from being dismissed, ignored, and talked over is boiling in him. I resonated with it, and this was hours before work ended.

I'd not eyed AM6 in a while, and I've been perpetually focusing on healing and clearing. I'm seeking a spine, not a "high". Some guts and willingness to say "HEY! You're being an a**hole!" I was disrespected by an actual a**hole I worked with today, and I'd not even thought of subs or AM6. My boss dismissing me so quick is bulls***, and I'm not ok with it. F*** no!

I'm considering AM6 once my 90 days on E2 is up. I'm frickin tired of being shit on and allowing it. It's not right. I'd thought of USLM, but it was optional. I've wanted confidence, and AM is loaded with it. And doubting every move will get me nowhere, as I'd looked at USLM for business reasons. AM6 would be a much better choice.

A good note: I'd not been running E2 on my phone all day, but 30 minutes before I left, I turned it on. It may have allowed this for me.

[findingme]

I thought it was quiet on E2 yesterday. Ran it at home and at work again yesterday. Nothing big emerged.

But something is coming out. I had a background fear surface before going to bed. I realize I've usually tried to stuff or distract from it, so..... I didn't. I didn't even write since I feared lying. Just went to bed.

It feels like a mix of danger and sadness. The sadness is what surfaced physically when writing that last sentence. It kind of feels "dangerous" moving into new ground, and that feeling is linked to feeling very young. I remember a house I grew up in. I lived there from around age 9-13. Lots of memories there.

I'll share later, after something has passed. These are powerful memories.

[findingme]

No problems with people today at work. I am having a self-created problem now, which I'll share.

Well, I got paid a good paycheck. I got quite a raise in the new position, and my mind has been thinking since I got home "what business direction can I/should I jump into next?"

I took my shower, and had a Rule 4 chat since......I'm very, very used to sabotaging my joy and success endeavors. I've looked into 3 or so different ventures BUT I realized while in the shower that I want to do this mainly to earn love and respect. Like "if I make money over here, I'll be lovable." This has been a part of my foundation and why I've jumped in and out of businesses.

I also realized something which is E2 related. I've been pushing people away, and the businesses I've looked into are primarily self run. No team. No alliances. Just me. I've even been pushing my trader away, and she called me on it this week. I've done that.

I don't have to wonder long, as a big fear rises fast when thinking of working with a team. I can put on a face for a short while, but fear has held me back. I even joined a successful company 4 months back, and cancelled last week. I knew it when I started that I'd have to coach people under me, and a damn fear holds its ground. Due to this, I never promoted it, though I'd set up ads to run. I'm unsure how to conquer this now.

I feel insecure......and I'm attempting to return to 13--an E2 connection. My brother left, and in a new business (in present times), I'm fearing failure and imagining feeling unwanted again, and hoping my brother will come rescue me--like I'd hoped back then. The tradeoff for me is I've been hard on myself. The old "why the f*** can't you do this?"

That's what's on my mind presently.

I've been looking for success so I'd not feel this pain. I've been eyeing some good avenues, but I stall due to pain rising. I'm trying to use success to shield me from the pain. Seeking my brother (in my mind only) still.

[findingme]

I'm growing. I am uncertain exactly where, and even why.

For example, I worked alongside a veteran driver I've worked with a number of times who is pretty self-serving. I was assertive today, standing up for myself since he uses an old, very noisy truck, and insists on turning the radio louder so he can hear his talk radio. Let it be known that since he's pretty selfish and unwilling to cooperate, I've worn earplugs the entire time I ride with him this last year.

He usually leaves the radio low. But once it's newstime (top of the hour) he cranks it up. I had good earplugs in, and my eardrums were pounding. I asked him to turn it down some. He did, which I'd not expected. And he'd regularly slip it back up within 5 minutes. I spoke up again (having played this out in my head numerous times). Like a child, he tried to put the problem on me, raising his voice, like my earplugs weren't working.

I yelled "YOU'RE DEAF!! I'M NOT!!" He complied, but I stayed pissed a while. I felt like I was with a defiant teenager demanding his way.

What was strange (for me) was when we arrived back at the shop, I thought of men or boys arguing fiercely, but 20 minutes later dropping it, like nothing personal had happened. It felt good, and not bitter. I don't like the guy's selfishness, but I held no grudges upon leaving the truck. That's different.

I've been thinking of changes which would come using AM6, and asserting oneself is part of it. So, I did. And the emotional side didn't feel sorry for myself. My anger kept it away.

On feeling sorry for myself, while driving home, I turned on E2 on my phone. While alone, I realized I was trying to persuade myself to fall in that mindset. I realized some part of me was looking for old, known habits which were my norm at different times in my life. I just didn't want to--it takes so much energy trying to paint that "poor me" picture, with unhappy results. I didn't go there.

Something I need to tag on is that I realized I wrote yesterday about me hiding in success.......well, I'm not so sure that's true. I found words which fit at the time, but my feelings today said I sounded like I was looking for permission to do a sob story. Damn, it's true. I wanted validation, even though my argument was not really valid. I do have some fears, but calling all temporary fears reality is.......just not true. Still learning, still growing.

[findingme]

Something I believe I'm experiencing I never thought it'd come up on E2: sexual healing. Just over a week ago I had awareness that sexual beliefs were being touched, and I noticed it since I felt comfortable in my groin area. I sometimes fap to relieve the uncomfortableness, but not last week. It was evident to me.

This morning I read some AM6 journals, and many talk about an active sex life. My history with women is scarce since my thinking on sex has primarily been.....discomfort.

I'm writing to find something now. One peer coworker sent me a nude video on Whatsapp of one woman, which I watched, then deleted. He sent a bunch of pictures the next day, which I didn't open. Deleted them. I said something to the guy, mainly that it was a lot, and he apologized saying he'd not send anymore. I felt guilty and angry, at myself and the situation.

He then sent a decent, inspirational video, which touched me. I thanked him for it on Whatsapp, and returned one I found on IG. I'd never commented when he sent the nude video and pictures.

My problem socially is I'm ashamed of this. I've been divorced 4 years now, and haven't dated anyone. I do think relationships are more than sex, but maybe 1 in 100 men will talk about that. I have drives, we all do..........trying to defend now, "make up a good point"..........

Something in my past feels shameful. I've not walked into it yet.

[Zane]

What's ur plan after doing E2? What's the next sub u will jump on to?

[findingme]

I am going towards AM6. I've stayed clear from it for a while since old emotional stuff kept surfacing on various subs, and E2 is the "quicker picker upper", which is why I use it presently.

I'll be going towards AM6 since it reinforces the things I want and need personally, and it'll be a whole new life. I've had a youthful mindset, which was really fun while my daughter was growing up and I worked with kids. But working, talking, and sharing with adult men leaves me feeling like I'm failing personally. Plus, if my daughter becomes more mature than me.......then I've really not done well for myself. I don't intend to stay the same, and am looking at AM for that reason. Thanks for asking.

Did you ever pick up AM6 yourself? You'd changed your icon message showing AM6 a month back, so I'm wondering.

[findingme]

I've been stirring today. Not self pity, but anger at my normal trains of thought. I've been afraid to change things right in front of me, be it in business, relationships, or whatever I've had desires for. I'm isolating my lifestyle here for myself, as I'm really not comfortable doing the same thing over and over, still getting the same results.

I've sat and watched others most of my life. It was "safe".
I've sat by, hoping someone would "pick me", meaning believe in me, and the overwhelming majority (rightly so) do not do that.
I'm getting pissed at my life setup, for my problems I'VE CREATED. Whether in relationships, business, or any other setting, I've followed fear hoping I'd not get hurt or shamed. I'm seeing it now.
I've lived for you (ANYBODY ELSE), not myself. Relevant to that, I was the 3rd child of 4. I had it easy, as I learned to adapt to fit in. It worked back then, but 40 years have passed, and I'm not inspired presently to make waves, piss people off, etc.

I'm getting pissed now since I'm not speaking up to people and situations I don't want. Well, doing this alone I've not. Yesterday, while driving to my old sponsor's house to play our game, I knew I could and would speak to him, me preparing to take on some advice and responsibility. Why? I realized yesterday I did NOT want to visit my mom today. This had been growing in me, and I'd been stifling this dissent in myself. I shared this with him, and he didn't make it complicated (maybe I've hid in complexity). My brother was with my mom, and I didn't want to visit her since she TAKES, I know she hasn't changed at all, and I've allowed it. I felt a demanding guilt about it........but something in me is so sick of being drained when around her. I texted my brother last night that I'd not be over.

Which leaves me here at home, unhappy in my "keep the peace" mentality. I'm smiling at the huge irony here, since that has been how I've been "successful" in many relationships and jobs, and now I feel like a loser doing it, not standing up for myself. That last truth is why I'm looking forward to AM6.

I'm pissed still since I'm doing the same thing, the "I'm your man" face , to my boss. I've tried to get on his good side by being a "yes man", but as a New Yorker, he has less respect for this. I'm in the spot currently where I'm trying to earn his trust, but also having strong desires to **** up my situation since I don't know how or know what needs changing, and it leaves me afraid to take my stand. I'm just venting now.

This is all very unusual for me. I must be changing.

[findingme]

Okay. New circumstances for me.

My mom had been recovering from broken bones at home, and I was told by my brother he took her to the hospital two days ago since she feared she was having a heart attack. This has happened before so I did not react and panic. I did not even go to the hospital.

Then, yesterday my other brother and sister both called and texted me, both with their interpretations that she might die instantly. I was at work so I can only read texts. I realized I was quite reluctant to be involved, so I challenged myself since she could die. When I told my older co-worker and we were not finished with our route, he changed directions immediately. He was very supportive. His own mom and dad had died 6 months apart while working at this company, and we headed on back to the shop. I was more touched by the support of co-workers than anything else. Even a younger worker called me when I was at the hospital last night since his own mom died recently. That made me cry.

But what I realized about myself showed up before I got there. I've been judging my brothers and sister for years. I've been judging and judging more, hoping to punish them, and making myself miserable, when I feel and think about it. I was going to hospital, knowing they butt heads incredibly and regularly, and I was very discontent with this. I'd imagined walking out were I confronted with Incredible stupidity. I'd made myself a victim in imagined scenarios. Poor me. Embarrassing to share this, but it's true.

Nothing like that happened at all. Only my two brothers were there, and they constantly battled for control, but they had a level of inhibition that I did not expect. We were there for Mom, not ourselves, and that perspective took the front seat. My brothers actually worked together pretty well.

My mom was very incoherent and agitated, being on both drugs and steroids. I was actually witnessing how my brothers cared for her. I was distant much of the time, like a spectator. I sat there checking myself, comparing my judgmental disgust with imagined caring for her. I actually feared living out the first extreme, which I've been doing. I've always blamed other people for outcomes. This Left Me Irresponsible, and I held on to this reality.

I'm finding it hurts more to stay there. And I'm not feeling okay about that. I've made this world which protects me, but still hurts me and everyone else. And damn it I'm no victim. I'm looking for some big solution in my mind and heart, but I know the solution lies in little actions and messages. So I'm not going to try to find Solutions sitting here. I'll go see her today and see what happens.