A Sexy Alex, stage 2: DMSI Journal (now 3.3.2!)

[apollolux]

==64 days exclusively DMSI done==
So 64 days of listening solely to DMSI are done, the past 19 specifically 3.1B. The past couple of weeks have clearly shown that I'm out of shape from before, painting for up to 8 hours a weekday. Whatever conditioning I used to have I seem to have misplaced it, even though my face and body look slimmer and I feel sexier overall. I haven't been able to eat like I used to, mainly stuck with smaller portions now due to temporary lack of funds, so I hope stored fat is being used instead.

Looking forward to seeing how 32 days of B positively affect my thinking and mindset.

[apollolux]

After 32 days of 3.1B switched back to A on Monday. I'll document some of my experience here soon.

[apollolux]

Ok, now that I've allowed myself a few moments to write here, below is the list of the remembered observations I've made running 32 days of 3.1B after 32 days of 3.1A:

* the 32 days coincided with about the same period of time I was most physically involved in my building's restoration project
* the hunger remained about the same high levels, but I felt more inclined to eat junkier ("comfort"?) foods like a pack of 6 croissants in one sitting, peanut butter straight from the jar, multiple bowls of store-brand Golden Grahams in one sitting, or a large (32 fl.oz.) soda from McD's instead of water, seltzer, or milk
* I felt less inclined to relieve myself, though that coincided with intentionally saving that energy for a birthday party thrown for me and my favorite ginger Russian girl (we share a birthday and two weeks after her super close cousin threw us a party when we were all available); the second day or so I returned to A I relieved myself mainly due to frustration
* I felt more tired and fatigued earlier in the day, though I'm not sure how much was energy towards sub execution, how much was physical exhaustion after working, how much was triggered by psychological avoidance response to working on a particular separate set of projects (this particular possibility was raised by my therapist a couple of weeks ago), and how much was something else that I likely have not yet identified
* I've taken longer to fall asleep at night and longer to wake up and get out of bed in the morning
* there was a lot of frustration that I felt difficult to express outwardly regarding the lack of progress in one of my projects, which started to worry me re potentially too much emotional detachment from things too soon without more sustainable positive motivations to replace them quickly enough
* the blonde Russian girl made repeated requests for my help in a particular class during B, and then canceled within the first couple of days after switching back to A; I'm of the mind she was simply looking for a believable excuse to have me around given her previous behavior, but who knows
* 3.1B also so far seemed to be the height of homosexual advances towards me, though it seemed like my overall attraction also increased even though no women explicitly approached me
* I felt and still feel a lack of motivation, almost apathy, to resume any of my previous exercise routines, possibly enhanced by the feelings of fatigue

So that's the list of observations that I remember at the moment. Still no sex, dry spell is currently still measured in years. I'm more convinced now than ever that the number one factor in consistently obtaining and maintaining the sexual relationships one desires is, as it's labeled in Rapid Escalation by Liam McRae (among other materials), "social freedom." This "social freedom" seems to include not only sexual availability and readiness, but also logistic availability and readiness.

In the list I mention a ginger Russian girl; I've previously either mentioned her minimally or not at all, and that's on purpose. Her and her close cousin (both of them act like sisters and consider each other such), I've intentionally documented separately from everything else and avoided direct and outright DMSI-only speculation on because my interactions with them are of a more significant and unique nature compared to those with everyone else.

I do feel like there are some DMSI instructions (both A and B) executing (such as an increased and still increasing feeling of attractiveness), some being resisted, and some likely not being executed at all. I'm also having trouble differentiating what might be reactions, positive or negative, to the programming vs. micro-seizures or cold shivers or something. I would love some elaboration on that.

[apollolux]

Hm, today has felt like an unusually difficult day. I've had some weird headaches, an increased amount of zone-outs, and, unfortunately for me, insatiable hunger. I've eaten over the day a grand total of 4 McDouble burgers, a chicken sandwich, and a 20-piece McNuggets from McD's, plus a quarter pound of cashews, a bowl of bran flakes, and 5 cans of La Croix, and for some reason I haven't yet figured out I suddenly broke into tears for a few seconds just now.

Yea, I'm probably gonna call this day a wash as far as any progress of any kind is concerned.

[RTBoss]

Hm, today has felt like an unusually difficult day. I've had some weird headaches, an increased amount of zone-outs, and, unfortunately for me, insatiable hunger. I've eaten over the day a grand total of 4 McDouble burgers, a chicken sandwich, and a 20-piece McNuggets from McD's, plus a quarter pound of cashews, a bowl of bran flakes, and 5 cans of La Croix, and for some reason I haven't yet figured out I suddenly broke into tears for a few seconds just now.

Yea, I'm probably gonna call this day a wash as far as any progress of any kind is concerned.

I wouldn't say that. This sounds like massive shifts under-the-hood. Lots of healing/clearing going on.

-Increased food intake to fuel the work
-Zoning out
-Resistance headaches
-Emotional release

I'd say it could possibly have been one of your more productive days. Time will tell. Personally, I look forward to seeing what the rest of the week has in store for you.

[apollolux]

I'd say it could possibly have been one of your more productive days. Time will tell. Personally, I look forward to seeing what the rest of the week has in store for you.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, RTBoss, I certainly had difficulty seeing it from that perspective as I was more concerned and disappointed about the excess of junk food than anything else. I can say for sure that the rest of the week holds at least three separate appointments on three separate days--two doctors and one city agency that's historically been a pain in my ass to deal with--and I'll be relieved once they're taken care of.

[apollolux]

==Over 100 days exclusively DMSI done==

Over 100 days (105 at time of writing) down. I'm remembering more dreams lately. It might have something to do with waking up before my alarm, might be related to reduction of coffee intake, who knows. Also more tired (fatigued?) during the day, taking more and longer naps, and for some reason more headaches here and there. Originally thought the headaches were caffeine headaches, but becoming less and less convinced of that.

Attempting to restore a workout routine back to regular rotation, starting small with just one or two exercises and working my way back up. Hopefully don't have to do a full 12-week round of New Rules of Lifting for Abs just to return to previous shape, though once back at that fitness level will almost certainly do either an advanced 12-week round of that or attempt one of the Beachbody programs like P90X as previously planned.

Still feeling flat (likely due to the meds), but at least now I feel like plans are doable; maybe not outright inevitable just yet, but at least not pointless and futile like before. It is achievable.

[apollolux]

It's pretty hot here in NYC. Shannon, will heat (solar powered or otherwise) power the aura or would it just be sunlight or UV?

[apollolux]

Wow. Rocking headaches all week, about 0.5-0.75 inches above my left eye, maybe 10:45 region, and about same distance in. Ate a lot all week; even after no longer feeling hungry still felt not full. Looking in the mirror, I look and feel fat, though face looks and feels more attractive. Also first time in a while that I'm feeling low instead of just flat, don't definitively know the reason yet. Wouldn't be surprised if it's related to feeling of lack of progress and/or fear of potential regression.

This has been an odd week for me.

[Shannon]

It's pretty hot here in NYC. Shannon, will heat (solar powered or otherwise) power the aura or would it just be sunlight or UV?

The solar power module uses "energy from the sub", whatever that means to your subconscious. It is possible then that heat could work.

[apollolux]

==128 days exclusively DMSI done==

Ok, the fourth 32-day cycle is done. I'm switching to 3.1B tomorrow and will also up loops to 3 to start, then every 7 or 8 days add one if necessary. Will definitely be listening to B for at least the next 32 days, don't know how long beyond that.

Finally received a legitimate free item, a Frappuccino from a barista at Starbucks, and also apparently some sort of discount at McDonald's. Mental health has plateaued, likely due to interference from prescription medications, and physical health seems to be yoyo-ing. Was diagnosed with sleep apnea two days ago, which probably explains current sleep troubles (particularly the resurgence of falling asleep during the day, taking longer and longer midday naps), but I feel that's a copout.

Feeling lazy about a lot of things, but strangely productive in creating this one font to sell. Knowing how the digital typeface market is currently, I don't expect this one font (or even the whole font family I'm creating with it afterwards) to be my primary source of income, but I haven't let that deter me from deciding to follow through with it.

Had a weird experience on Monday that cost a bit of money that I couldn't truly afford to give and I'm a bit disappointed in how I handled it. We'll see if affects my long-term bottom line positively or negatively.

[apollolux]

I've turned over in my head many times what I want to say here and how I want to say it so it's most useful for Shannon and prospective DMSI users. Unfortunately, I don't think any amount of written word can properly convey what I'd like to get across for this, so I'll try as best I can. Long post ahead warning.

Today was the 30th day of my 12th cycle of DMSI by itself (cycle = 32 days, of course). I say the 12th cycle ends about now because I took 7 days off after the 9th cycle to switch to a 32 day cycle of AM6 stage 7 before returning to DMSI. I haven't been on the forums for months mainly due to a depression-fueled futility, the feeling that visiting the forums in my current state is pointless and not worth it for the progression of my sexual well-being or helpful for those considering buying DMSI as beta and participating in that data collection program.

I've chosen to return today because, among other reasons, a recent mass email from the shop said that DMSI 3.2 is available and I was curious to find out what about it would be improved over 3.1. I need to enumerate a few things for Shannon's data collection first and let the sub-listening public know about my current listening experience before I choose to switch to 3.2. I wanted to return a few days ago but I still had difficulty coming up with the words for this post and the idea that I'd have to sift through eight months of posts to reacquaint myself with forum present felt overwhelming. Another major reason is that my 33rd birthday is on the horizon and I've been attempting to take stock in how my life has progressed or not over these past 33 years.

First and foremost, I must stress that I have not had any sex since beginning listening to DMSI, or even subs in general, nor have I been approached by sexually desirable women for such. I may or may not be one of Shannon's "hard-gainers" like CatMan, but before anyone here says anything as far as I'm aware I'm not consciously doing anything to sabotage the process. I have seen an overall increase of supposed general attraction signals from women like constant hair flipping with skin exposure, leg crossing (especially pretzeling), and constant clothes adjustment (especially pulling up pants regardless of how high or low those pants may be), but not only are women neither conscious nor acknowledging of sending these signals to me, their apparent mates have exhibited an overwhelming amount of mate-guarding (especially the "arm around the shoulder to bring her in closer" gesture) in these circumstances.

Second of all, I'd like to stress that my results or lack thereof may be affected by the existence of a clinical depression and the prescription of medication related to that. There is an overwhelming feeling of futility that permeates my daily life and the degree to which it affects said life changes day-to-day. As such, I wouldn't be surprised if enormous amounts of energy are spent just trying to overcome that each day in order to proceed with any amount of normalcy.

Thirdly, I was recently diagnosed with low-T. This is not something I'm prone to sharing publicly but for the purpose of data collection I feel the need to disclose it here. It seems to have been declining steadily for a couple of years and has only been measured since either 2016 or 2017, so I don't have a definitive baseline measurement from before this current depression diagnosis nor before even listening to subs. The specifics as to the development of this low testosterone diagnosis are not yet known to me, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a combination of diet and depression. I feel overall motivation has been reduced over time and that creates a vicious cycle with regards to the depression.

Through the 12 cycles, looking back at my offline journal it seems I switched between A and B every three cycles or so to see if there were any significant differences in mindset, and I'm finishing off this 12th cycle with A. A few cycles were dedicated to the original recommended amount of loops, some more with as many as 6 loops in a DMSI 3.1 cycle. If you look back at my old posts, you'll notice that I've asked Shannon and Ben about this and was suggested to increase until I felt I couldn't handle it; I stopped at 6 because I could not reliably listen to more than 6 back-to-back loops per day, mainly due to schedule conflicts.

I noticed that the DMSI 3.2 instructions say one loop per day and a secondary ASRB of one day off per 7 days and I'm curious to find out why. I'll definitely be looking through the months of forum posts that I've missed to catch up and find out how that happened (at least 50-something pages in the DMSI Suggestion Thread alone!), but I wouldn't be surprised if after a cycle of one loop that I feel it won't be enough and ask what the next recommended ASRB is.

I can say for certain that what I've felt the most and most intensely over the past year was frustration. The frustration is mainly over why I'm not getting what I want in various aspects of life even though I've worked hard for it, and why people feel they can try to take advantage of me without me noticing and/or calling them out about it. Anger has returned and I don't have a reliable outlet for that anger, and I feel that affects my behavior day-to-day. The most significant manifestation of the confluence of all these feelings, the depression, the futility, the frustration, the anger, is shutting myself away from the outside world, not wanting to burden other people with my perceived weights and not wanting other people to contact me only when they want or "need" something from me.

Objectively, I know some things went good for me and some went bad over this time. I failed a class and had to put off college graduation a little further, but I'm currently passing and am confident that I will finish this semester a proper college graduate. I have obtained a contract gig that pays money, but the actual work is not as consistent as I would like. I haven't felt motivated to exercise in a long time, but past experience has shown that I'm capable of progress once I actually do it, so I feel that it's simply a matter of time before I return to the routine I once had.

The stress I feel from the frustration, anger, and depression has manifested itself most significantly as a desire to overeat. I do not feel that this overeating is driven by the supposed energy requirements of DMSI 3.1 and so far the increase in fat mass has shown that food intake and existing body fat are not being considered for energy sources by the scripting that supposedly says for the body to choose reliable energy sources for powering changes. I feel this is the most important thing Shannon should look at for 5.5G and beyond; despite a minority of people here claiming they're "skinny enough" that sourcing body fat isn't viable, in my opinion this should be looked into further as the number one source of energy for sub-powered changes. People underestimate just how much body fat they truly have and there is no such thing as a "healthy" amount of excess body fat in 2018. I know in the past Shannon has said that sourcing body fat safely has not yet panned out, I feel confident in his ability to figure out how to make that happen.

I know that I'm just N=1 for my own experience. Nevertheless, I hope that the info I provide here can help Shannon make progress towards improving DMSI to help people achieve the stated goals and subliminal motivational audio usage in general, as well as help people here make better informed decisions on which subliminal audio program to choose to listen to at any given time.

[apollolux]

Update to say I started 3.2 today. Starting with B because of 14+1 days instead of 7+1 days. While I still have doubts that 1 loop per day is enough, I'll stick with that for at least the first 30 days before I ask Shannon if I'm truly one of the hard-gainers and what would be recommended for me specifically if I'm CatMan-level resistant.

[apollolux]

Update to note post-birthday stuff. Got some well-wishes yesterday that I didn't expect and one of them (from the blonde Russian girl I've written about in these journals probably more than I should) was super early in the morning. Ate much more than I was expecting to eat, may or may not be DMSI-related hunger. Today the blonde Russian girl took me out to Olive Garden for my pinot grigio birthday tradition and because my class today was canceled we spent more time together. Fortunately and unfortunately it ended up feeling like old times with her.