Subliminal Talk

Hmm, had an urge today to switch to ver. B, anger-based (so it is probably some part of me being angry about being set towards doing something it either fears or doesn't like), but it passed after I slept. Interesting dreams to say the least. Another further issue is being resolved, I think. Interesting trivia fact - my inner child (or whatevs) tends to be rather whiny.

So, sticking it out with ver. A until the end of the month, as planned, but switching to morning/daytime listening (it is viable as I'll be doing only 3 loops).

My gut is still indicating that a switch to ver. B is in order - with an extended run at that. Getting a slight hint of anxiety at the thought, though. Anyway, I'll be switching to B tomorrow, same settings and number of loops as now (3, -25db), and then adjust accordingly.

I feel much wiser after this run of ver. A. It has even began touching upon issues which lead to my juvenile "fuck you I won't do what you tell me" mindset. I resolve this, this and all future subliminal programs I use should be much more efficient, among other benefits. It is time to give up the illusion of control and gain a further measure of True Control, and the ability to self-define through Will.

BTW., no matter how much sleep I've had during the night, listening to DMSI knocks me out anyway (just like it did when I first started listening to ver. 3.1), and I wake up either right before or right after the loops are done.

EDIT: A musical interlude: can't stop listening to Rex Tremendae from Verdi's Requiem Mass lately, this recording in particular: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paTUrihL-1g

Upped the number of loops to 7, as I have the time and 3, while working pretty well, made me feel kinda miserable in a resistance way. 7 have their ups and downs, too, but it's progressing. Stuff is changing. My perception of myself is changing. [EDIT: I can tell that some parts of me are still kinda fearful of certain elements contained in the script, but much less so than before. This should pass soon enough. In reality, there's nothing to fear there; I just need to accept it at all levels.] Strong pheromonal smell. I'm not exactly talkative in social settings now, but I don't mind. I feel comfortable talking/flirting, etc., but I pretty much stopped initiating interactions. If someone wants to talk, sure, why not. Someone always does. [EDIT: I do note a certain level of not being comfortable doing that, but that's most probably related to the counter-intuitivness of the thing; I mean, all the "popular people" are outgoing, right? Nope. I am not here for somebody else's entertainment, unless I'm on stage, of course, lol] Getting extreme respect from males, and females I find attractive are responding with strong IOIs; nothing too direct, though. Soon. I find myself ignoring the IOIs, in a way - I can see them clearly, but I am not going out of my way to act on them. It is kinda like what RTBoss has reported - "this is nothing, gonna have to give me more than that to deserve my attention" kind of thing.

I find a lot of my old acquaintances extremely boring now.

The volume seems to be working well. I may considering lowering it a bit, but not really driven to do so overmuch. I can sleep comfortably with the setup I've got.

Also, lots of work in preparation for a busy September. I find myself completely unable to focus on professional stuff that is not directly related to singing/stagework.

EDIT: Bodyheat increased like crazy. Using up tons of energy, I'd wager. It's been like that most of the time today.

Hmm, met up with a female friend for beers, at her invitation. Ended up partying with pretty serious opera people at the national theater (in the building itself, no less). One of the guys I met there told me drunkenly at the end: "you're absolutely terrifying, but amazing". Strong IOIs from women etc. (par for the course for now).

Still on ver. B, 7 loops per night, feeling *good*, despite the fact that I've been working like crazy and am physically exhausted at the end of each day. I mean, this has begun going down real smooth. Libido is way up (to the point of, um, popping boners left and right), but not in an obsessive, annoying way as it sometimes would happen on ver. B earlier on. Metabolism way up - something is using heaps of energetic juice. Maintaining intermittent fasting is very difficult due to that, but I don't mind all that much TBH. Sticking to it for the foreseeable future.

Hmm.

Lowered the volume to what foobar says is -36db, still on ver. B, 7 loops. Experienced extremely strong reality-shifting (or at least that's what I choose to call it for now) - like a sensation that my body is in many places at the same time, and even changing shape, mostly felt and noticeable on my hands and arms. Haven't had one this strong since ver. 3.0.1, I think?

Now the annoying thing is that my subconscious decided to try and pop up with some fears/pointless emotional reactions that should have already been taken care of (or - at least - that I thought have already been taken care of, TBH) by ver. A. These are very short pangs, though, in reaction to outside stimulus/something that brings about an association with them. They pass very quickly, and I try not to fret about them too much, as they are, I guess, directly related to self-worth/self-confidence/past relationships stuff. I don't know whether I am trying to "play chicken" with myself, or it is simply signifying that there's still something there that needs to be worked on.

Actually, I find myself thinking that as far as DMSI is concerned, these particular issues should have been removed a long time ago, as they are *directly* in the way of achieving the program's design goal. And, compared to some of the stuff that ver. A has been healing/clearing, it is nothing that serious TBH - and given the power of the subliminal program, it should have been dealt with post-haste. In a way, I now think that my subconscious was sort of diddling-dallying regarding healing and clearing with stuff that is (seemingly at least - I might be wrong here) not quite *that* relevant towards achievement of the stated design goals of DMSI, and looking for more and more stuff to heal/clear in order to avoid getting rid of these particular issues in order to block/delay the execution of the program as far as it is able to.

I simply told myself "we're keeping at it with DMSI until the design goals are achieved to an extent I find satisfying anyway, so we might as well cooperate" and my subconscious did seem to relax somewhat.

Sticking to ver. B, might have to lower the number of loops next week, though, as 7 do demand much more sleep on my part, and I'm gonna have to be getting up very early all week long. I'll probably cut down to either 4 or 5 loops.

Hmm.

Got a direct result today, my brain - of course - decided to do the "subconscious self-protection" thing and went into trauma mode right before sex (the kind of withdrawn, ptsd "protect the brain from damage" thing that sometimes happens; you'll know what I'm talking about if you've ever experienced it). Obviously, I was unable to get an erection firm enough for penetrative sex. Felt kinda crappy afterwards, was on the brink of tears on my way home, despite the girl being very understanding.

I will probably describe it in more detail tomorrow, as I'm already way past bedtime and need to get up tomorrow fresh. I'm skipping DMSI for tonight. Will get back to it tomorrow. Feeling really worn out.

Fuck it, putting the loops on anyway. But 4. I need to be up and running in 5 hours.

Just chiming in to say that I'm actually feeling relatively well, with moments of feeling very good, despite the tone of the above posts. Rehearsal went well.

Had the urge to switch back to ver. A. Probably in order to let my subconscious diddle about some more. Fuck it, I'm sticking to ver. B at least until the end of the week.

Some good news: the girl from yesterday, after our failed attempts at sex (lol), did tell me that she "can sense a brightness radiating" from me. She was kinda drunk (not blotto, but definitely inebriated) and did say it completely out of the blue whilst being in a kinda sleepy daze.

More proof that I am projecting the aura despite anything that I might be subconsciously doing to hold myself back.

I'll try to write a more detailed post later today. Still more work to do today!

Some more good news: the wonderful thing about DMSI is that it keeps giving you second (and third, and fourth...) chances, especially with people you find very attractive.

The sentence about the chances does shift something inside of me. Good stuff, bro. Enjoying your journal!

Since last Sunday, sometimes throughout the day, and usually a bit of time after listening to my loops of the day (if I'm awake) I get the feeling that I am actually worthy of being this radiant, shining beacon people are starting to perceive me as (in other words - worthy of projecting the aura). It feels great.

The stuff that's still holding me back - well, I've come to the conclusion that in this regard, it will take more than choice or decision. This will take steadfast resolve to change those reactions to ones that are healthy. I am willing to provide this resolve. I've got that in spades. B)

Continuing with ver. B. Did 4 loops Sunday, 5 loops Monday, now back to 7 loops, as this number seems to be most effective and I will try to maintain it as far as circumstances allow.

Going strong with ver. B. Feeling good to godly most of the time. F. in. right now I'm experiencing elation, probably related to the "morphine drip" effect.

Had this pretty weird idea yesterday how to expedite resolving the issue of the somewhat-PTSD reaction to sex I get sometimes. Tempted to do a serious ritual cleansing + a strong magick ritual focused directly on removing this hurdle. I'm going to need to gather the necessary components and a relatively "fresh" (i. e. energy-clean) place to do it, and then come up with the exact ritual form that'd work best for me.

BTW., wondering if it'd be possible to add something akin to "spoiler tags" to the forums, so that we could "spoiler tag" stuff that's relevant to journaling, but kinda Rule 4-ish.

Still going with ver. B.

I get moments of negative thoughts/emotions getting in my head, but: 1) they're not unbearable/not prominent enough to the point of distraction, 2) they're related to stuff that's been holding me back: and it is getting dealt with. They're quite often accompanied by the "morphine drip" sensation: this would indicate they are related to me executing the script. Hopefully I am correct.

I do get moments of resistance, though, indicated by a slight headache and an urge to switch to either ver. A or MLS. I'm not tricking myself *this* easy this time, though.

It's been three full weeks of ver. B - first time I managed to stay this long on this version. Keeping at it, this is good stuff. It's been 21 days since I switched from ver. A - so the healing and clearing script has probably unwound itself and now it is going to be ver. B all the way.

OK, I feel weird. Weird, but good. Was at a social gathering, felt tears coming up for no apparent reason, had the sudden urge to excuse myself (totally not managed to make it look like I'm a sane person, lol) and go home. Went home. Now I feel elated, listening to music. No idea whatsoever what is going on inside my head right now.

Otherwise, tons of work.

Still doing ver. B. Going to stick to it for the time being.