Subliminal Talk

Getting my ass kicked by ver. A. It wouldn't all be that bad if it wasn't for the ED issue acting up, and libido going downhill (in part due to that ED thing). Still, lots of stuff getting set straight in my head anyway, as far as I can tell. Hopefully this will bear fruit in the long run!

Today, switching to ver. B. Going to try 7 loops. Planning at least two weeks of ver. B, but might stick to it for a longer period of time (maybe a month even), as I have some auditions coming up soon-ish, and when the celebrity effect, US/LM modules and MSI kick in given the context... well, it kicks ass. Can't do wrong pretty much.

I shall see how it goes.

Given my experience with an increased number of loops of ver. A, this would be most efficient when I have serious time off. You know, just taking long walks, reading books, chilling at my place alone, musing more or less randomly, etc.

Ver. B, 7 loops, day 2. Totally angry with myself. For subjecting myself to unpleasant, unwanted, unproductive or even counterproductive stuff (like that idiotic mental ED thing) simply because of some idiotic fears or misconceptions.

Otherwise, life is good.

Hmm. Apparently, the increased dosage of DMSI (either ver. A up until Thursday or ver. B now) has hit on some of the deeply rooted self-worth and deservedness issues I've been having (and have mentioned them in this journal previously), judging from some of the thoughts and insights I've been having today. The very low volume I've been using might have something to do with the fact that they're beginning to unravel for real.

This B kick is working, progressively breaking through with various things. I now have a pretty damn powerful celebrity effect, plus people keep looking at me like I'm an alien being sometimes, lol. Women often look at me like they are in awe.

Libido kinda in the dumps still, but I can feel it is transitory.

Also, decided to break off that FWB thing I've had going on with my ex. It is unhealthy. Unfortunately, she does not seem to be able to accept certain boundaries, and is not really willing to change and work on herself, and is now back to her good 'ol manipulative tricks - trying to get me back into a relationship. Enough. Also, I do not want to have sex with her for the time being, no juice to it anymore.

Gonna stick with ver. B, 5-7-9 loops per day (usually doing 7, but f. in. while I've been on that little tour I only managed to do 5 per day, for 4 days. Also did 9 loops once, yesterday).

Today experienced a very strong case of auric projection + morphine drip. Interestingly enough, the girl who was most probably getting sniped the most kinda ran away after a while; definite avoidant behavior. Gonna call her up tomorrow, see what's what.

Obviously, some time after I ran into some fears and resistance, etc., and now have a very strong urge to switch back to ver. A. Even more obviously, I am going to stick to ver. B.

Definite avoidant behavior confirmed.

EDIT

Also, ver. B is kicking my ass. Crying for no apparent reason. Tired of wasting energy on resisting the script. Interesting. No resistance-headache, but my stomach/gut feels funky.

Something new today. Experiencing a sensation of pleasant warmth in my gut and in the spine, going all the way from the lower back to the sternum. The spine sensation is something new. Did 9 loops ver. B last night.

Getting a full-brain (mostly center) resistance headache today. Interesting. Haven't had one of these since DMSI2.5.

To celebrate, I think I'll do 9 loops ver. B tonight.

Also: libido is making a comeback. Ex is sending me selfies (atypical behavior for her). [EDIT: note - the above decision to cut back my relationship with her still stands, though, for the time being].

After sending me a bunch of selfies earlier in the day, the ex barged in slightly tipsy to my place at about 2 AM with beers, lol.

Anyhow, my gut is saying to get back on to ver. A. I don't think it's the resistance reaction, though, as those are more hectic/aggressive in their gut-feeling, so to speak. Gut says to do high doses of ver. A for a time, so I'll be doing just that for the forseeable future: 7-9 loops per day, starting off with 9 today. Basically, what it seems to be saying is that there's a whole lot of stuff lacking in the deservedness/self-worth department in my case, regarding the program's goals, so that needs to get fixed, and ver. A has the modules to do just that.

Feeling good, clearing well. 9 loops is where it's at for me for ver. A. This is working. Smoking WAAAY too much, though.

Reading "The Rational Male" based on seeing it recommended in these forums, good stuff! I try to steer clear of most PUA stuff, but this books seems well-researched and makes sense.

Also, funny thing - I'm back to running into females I know and find sexually attractive as if "by chance" and "totally randomly" (same thing that would happen during the first month of my DMSI 3.1 usage), and then interact with them to various degrees, usually at their behest and insistence, lol.

Internal changes are taking place. I am working through stuff which I have already went past intellectually, but not subconsciously. F. in. I apparently still have deeply ingrained "oneitis" of a devious, inobvious sort (as outlined in "The Rational Male" book), and it is being dissolved. Further fears are going bye-bye, too, gradually.

Gonna stick to ver. A, 9 loops, for at least another week, perhaps more.

Switched back to ver. B. Gotta get a grip and stick to one or the other for an extended period of time, lol.

Keeping at it with ver. B, 7-9 loops per day. My gut seems to be telling me to try: 2 loops morning (after getting up), and then 7 loops evening, possibly while sleeping. Going to try such a scheme out starting tomorrow.

Internal changes are progressing. I can also see effects of the aura projecting from time to time, usually through women giving strong "I am so hot and bothered" or "my, aren't you just the most fascinating person in the world!" IOIs. Nothing direct lately, though.

Trouble is, I've been staying at home a lot lately because I've got nothing too productive to do outside of it (going to gigs, social events or meeting with friends from time to time. Also taking long walks and musing, as this is my favorite pastime). I am kinda frustrated by not having interesting, lucrative stuff to do - I feel much better than I do. Angry that I am not making progress fast enough career-wise - and money-wise, as these go together. The nearest thing I've got lined up is in September. I hate not having enough stuff to do, and not making money constantly. Might take up some translation jobs in the meantime, but I've made the career change for a *reason*, goddamn. I am kinda stuck while looking for gigs due to not enough padding in my resume and lack of truly influential contacts. The most annoying thing about it is that whenever I *do* make it to audition, I always leave a very strong impression. Pah!

Technically, various showbiz people should be killing themselves to represent me, as given my very rare voice type (as far as I know, there's about 3 guys with this kind of voice currently active in Poland - me included), good acting skills and powerful stage presence (which is progressively becoming insane due to DMSI) I'd be one hell of a moneymaker in the long run. Pah again.

Long-term, I'm not worried at all - I would rather make faster progress than slower progress, though, obviously. More money would be welcome, too, as I'd like to make a step up in my quality-of-life, and there's interesting stuff I would very much like to do which requires more spending money than I currently have. F. in. I am planning to move abroad to follow my chosen career-path (it's a little bit too incestuous and "lol, Poland" in here for my tastes - without sucking up and paying, let's call it, *protection money*, it's an uphill struggle. Some of these "dealers" are actually actively trying to block me because I'm not *theirs*, so to speak. Also, the movers and shakers are often incompetent), but it'd be much more viable to do with a decent amount of potato to set myself up.

OK, enough whining.

To end this entry on a positive note - I am progressively getting into pretty great shape. Better diet, good exercise regimen, added plenty of cardio to it to boot, to get rid of unnecessary fat faster. Would love to join a gym, and some yoga and pilates classes to boot (because, hey, girls and exercise ), but - I simply do not have the money to burn yet (I can work out very effectively at home without spending any money at all on the thing, heh).

Another thing I noticed - sometimes while I am listening to my loops I will experience a strong shudder, throughout my body. It's not something that occurs normally and on its own in my case, so it is probably a reaction to something in the sub.