After running ASC for close to 3 months, I kept running into walls of resistance and deep emotional issues began surfacing. I was hoping to push through it with more listening time but now I realise it's wiser to focus my effort on cleaning up my emotional health, self forgiveness (big one for me), self worth, not to mention the script still has a focus on confidence and success programming, so it should compliment my previous runs of ASC and OGSF nicely.
I had always dismissed LTU for some reason, but after reading the amazing results people have had and seeing how well rounded the script is, this feels like the best option for me.
I'm about 5 days in. Things I've noticed so far;
- felt resistance straight away. I've been feeling nauseous when playing the sub and finding it hard to listen with headphones. This could be fear being processed or it may not be related to the sub
- from day 1 people have been nicer to me, and I've been smiling and laughing more. I've also been treating people better. I noticed I was a bit hard on my friend yesterday and felt the need to call her up and apologise. Feeling more mature
EDIT: the rest of my day got interesting..
- I'm moving to a new place soon and I was talking to my friend on the phone about and idea of having a loft style bed came up. I didn't even know what one was until I looked it up. All of a sudden I felt really motivated to have my own desk, workspace for the jewellery I'm going to start making, even starting reading more starting a small business etc.
- My diet for the last few months has been pretty shit, take out all the time or eating nothing for the whole day. Even after only a couple of days on LTU, I've been thinking a lot more about nutrition and I got off my butt last night and went to the store and bought ingredients and cooked myself yummy burgers. Going to learn to cook
- Dreams have been fucking crazy. Intense, emotional like I'm used to with these subs but it feels like I'm having 10-20 dreams a night, just non stop lol
Day 8:
Woke up feeling really negative. Feelings of shame and fear that bring me back to feeling a little kid again. It is a fear of unworthiness. I feel like people can see through me, like they can see how worthless I am. Tough day.
But when faced with the option, I still got out of my room and went to the shops with my friend to have a look at stuff for my new place. Happy I didn't just hide away like I usually would
Day 10:
I'm currently staying at my moms house for a few days. She has a great little farm in the country, so it's a nice getaway from the city. I had an intense nightmare last night, like proper horror shit. Woke up feeling so much fear, then as I calmed down started to feel sexual in a very open way, kinda hard to describe.
I can't pinpoint exactly what, but something shifted...
A few updates...
- I've been feeling happier, definitely been smiling more and being silly.
- A lot of fears are surfacing, mainly around health. Worrying about cancer and illness a lot these last few days. Internet diagnosis is also scary. On the flip side, I've been motivated to finally fix a lot of health problems (mostly minor) that I've just accepted as normal. Being strong and healthy is important
Day 23:
Wow... Just experienced some of the toughest resistance I've had from these subs thus far. I felt like there was literally zero reason for me to be alive, this lasted a little over a week. It made me aware of some very toxic beliefs lingering beneath the surface. This sub is the real deal. Excited to see where it takes me.
It seems to have cleared for the most part and the last two days I have felt great. Smiling, laughing, feeling like I was radiating goodness
. More lighthearted, social, and understanding as well. I went to the doctors and faced something I have been avoiding. Body feels better.
It feels like the OE is dragging me into battle, sometimes against my will lol. But it's all good
Day 32:
It's hard to quantify what's been changing inside me, I imagine due to the naturalizer at work. Here's a few things I notice:
- I am much friendlier towards people, not afraid to smile and have small talk. I remember being pretty closed off towards people when I was running ASC..
- Emotional roller coaster. I suspect a big part of this is due to it being the first month and the programming needing time to integrate and clear out some junk. I am feeling some very deep wounds again, so healing must be taking place. I am also much kinder to myself.
- Motivation is pretty low. I haven't felt like doing ANYTHING this month. I have a lot of failure type programming/fears which seem to be emerging. Lacking purpose..
- Dreams at night have been intense. Old fears and pain are routinely processed every night.
- It's hard to pinpoint this exactly, but I feel more comfortable with my body and sexuality. Checking out girls more, and even hooked up the other day with no effort on my part. Things are shifting in this area
Keep it up man! I'm looking at your journal when you post.
I have been thinking to run LTU after 6-12 months of E2.
(08-21-2016, 08:55 PM)Wharrgarbl Wrote: [ -> ]Keep it up man! I'm looking at your journal when you post.
I have been thinking to run LTU after 6-12 months of E2.
Thanks man! Sounds like a good plan.
I'm running LTU for a year
yeah i am planning runnig ltu too its a great sub but i always stopped because of the resistence its crazy probably hardest resistence of all subs so far
(08-22-2016, 12:51 AM)Dzemoo Wrote: [ -> ]yeah i am planning runnig ltu too its a great sub but i always stopped because of the resistence its crazy probably hardest resistence of all subs so far
Interesting... I would have to agree. This past month has been tougher than my runs of OGSF 5g and ASC.
(08-22-2016, 03:28 AM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ] (08-22-2016, 12:51 AM)Dzemoo Wrote: [ -> ]yeah i am planning runnig ltu too its a great sub but i always stopped because of the resistence its crazy probably hardest resistence of all subs so far
Interesting... I would have to agree. This past month has been tougher than my runs of OGSF 5g and ASC.
Interesting, thanks for the heads up.
I'm hoping that E2 will clear out a lot of that.
Day 34:
- My dreams continue to be very emotional and last night's were particularly sad. Ex girlfriend makes a regular appearance. There is still a lot of unresolved emotion there..
- I feel like I am in a limbo of sorts. I felt very angry this morning, but now I'm somewhere between wanting to give up on everything and knowing that I'll be ok. Maybe old patterns and negativity have been released, not sure. I have noticed that I have been more positive, even when I feel crap.
- Feeling a lack of purpose...
Day 35:
- Sad dreams... Check.
- It never fails to amaze me how I can be feeling one way, yet subconsciously communicate something very different. I'm not feeling sexy at all, but still got a very nice bit of attention from a girl working in a supermarket today. She's probably late 30/early 40s, but I'd go there.
- I have started to think differently about my future/purpose these last few days. It feels like the emotional maturity and wisdom aspect of the programming kicking in. Thinking a lot about volunteering and teaching music to troubled youth at this local centre.
I'm starting to see a bigger picture than just 'me me me'. It's not that I've been selfish or anything, I have just been stuck in a box or sorts, frustrated and lacking a certain kind of inspiration to channel my talents. I taught myself drums, piano, guitar and I've recently been making beats. I feel like spending a day or two a week just focused on giving and helping someone would be amazing...
Day 36:
I felt a lot of insecurity and fear come up last night. A lot of shame too. Feeling pretty rough today. So much of my identity has been built on these toxic emotions, I'm feeling an internal conflict going on.