(08-25-2016, 06:34 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]Day 36:
I felt a lot of insecurity and fear come up last night. A lot of shame too. Feeling pretty rough today. So much of my identity has been built on these toxic emotions, I'm feeling an internal conflict going on.
It sounds like a lot of ' Resistance' and, issues coming up; Perhaps, it is surfacing issues and 'Purging' them out of your system in a hard core way :angel:
(08-25-2016, 06:55 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: [ -> ] (08-25-2016, 06:34 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]Day 36:
I felt a lot of insecurity and fear come up last night. A lot of shame too. Feeling pretty rough today. So much of my identity has been built on these toxic emotions, I'm feeling an internal conflict going on.
It sounds like a lot of ' Resistance' and, issues coming up; Perhaps, it is surfacing issues and 'Purging' them out of your system in a hard core way :angel:
Yeah deep issues are coming up for sure. I see in your signature that you ran LTU, how long was your run/what was your experience with it?
(08-25-2016, 07:49 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ] (08-25-2016, 06:55 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: [ -> ] (08-25-2016, 06:34 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]Day 36:
I felt a lot of insecurity and fear come up last night. A lot of shame too. Feeling pretty rough today. So much of my identity has been built on these toxic emotions, I'm feeling an internal conflict going on.
It sounds like a lot of ' Resistance' and, issues coming up; Perhaps, it is surfacing issues and 'Purging' them out of your system in a hard core way :angel:
Yeah deep issues are coming up for sure. I see in your signature that you ran LTU, how long was your run/what was your experience with it?
I ran LTU for Three months. Yet, I did Alpha Male program before anything perhaps, that gave me an advantage. Deep issues came up for me on AM 6 program. LTU worked on myself... Like taking care of myself; Nurturing myself and, being comfortable with my identity
(08-25-2016, 07:54 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: [ -> ] (08-25-2016, 07:49 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ] (08-25-2016, 06:55 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: [ -> ] (08-25-2016, 06:34 PM)bliss Wrote: [ -> ]Day 36:
I felt a lot of insecurity and fear come up last night. A lot of shame too. Feeling pretty rough today. So much of my identity has been built on these toxic emotions, I'm feeling an internal conflict going on.
It sounds like a lot of ' Resistance' and, issues coming up; Perhaps, it is surfacing issues and 'Purging' them out of your system in a hard core way :angel:
Yeah deep issues are coming up for sure. I see in your signature that you ran LTU, how long was your run/what was your experience with it?
I ran LTU for Three months. Yet, I did Alpha Male program before anything perhaps, that gave me an advantage. Deep issues came up for me on AM 6 program. LTU worked on myself... Like taking care of myself; Nurturing myself and, being comfortable with my identity
Sounds good
Day 37:
Still feel weird. Feels like everything is triggering me in some way.
I have been meaning to buy myself some nice clothes for a while now and today I went and picked out some really cool items. I dunno what it is but people are treating me with more respect, even when I've been really introverted (like today).
Day 39:
Wow. This program is kicking my ass.
I am possibly feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life. I can barely get myself out of bed everyday. So much fear, depression, hopelessness. So lonely, Beating myself up. The whole deal.
Feels like I'll never fix my issues, and that there's no point to living. Rough few days
In my opinion that is a good sign. You are fighting within yourself. You see how bad your situation is. Now you have to find the power to stand up and change your life. If you don't, you'll continue to be in that same old life which you live right now.
Find out what you want to do different. Break it down into steps. What is the smallest step you can do to move in that direction. Then take that step. Take the next one. Keep moving at your own speed. You can do it.
Day 40:
- Feeling some kind of shift this morning. I faced a fear mine, and it really wasn't a big deal. I also had a thought as I walked past a girl that she would be lucky to be with me and not some average guy. Just a random positive thought...
- I've had a distinct lack of appetite for a while. Could be surfacing the issue fully as I have had dysfunctional eating since I was a kid...
- Feeling more attractive
bliss. Sounds like you are breaking down a barrier; any fear confronted is always good, no matter the size or magnitude of it. Glad you are seeing positive with the 'shift' and also, feeling more attractive was something that I felt with LTU :angel:
Day 41:
- Resistance/Negativity seems to be calming down.
- I felt pretty friendly today, less worried about things, more positive, etc.
- I also applied for a job in a different field, although it's a bit scary, I felt ok with it.
- I am much kinder to myself, and others. People treat me better.
Day 43:
Hmm.. It's hard to explain what's going on with me right now. I definitely feel as though something has shifted deep within me. I guess this is what self worth and validation feels like. I'm not all the way there yet, but there seems to be a growth occurring.
I was out yesterday/today feeling pretty good, looking for female attention - got none. Now, this didn't hurt as much as it used to. I even had anger and worthiness issues come up and yet I'm still ok with me. The old and new beliefs are definitely playing ping pong in my mind. I have spent my whole life seeking validation/love/acceptance from outside myself, and I'm starting to understand why that's been so damaging to me.
I don't feel squeaky clean, that's ok. I'm caring a whole lot less about being 'perfect'.
Like fuck it, I'm me. That's beginning to feel like enough these days.
Good Results for you .... Congratulations.
(09-01-2016, 07:53 PM)DisneylandUSA Wrote: [ -> ] Good Results for you .... Congratulations.
Thanks
Day 45:
Ok. I've had an interesting last two days.
Yesterday I felt the urge to go and see a movie I've been meaning to watch for a while, Sing Street. It was absolutely fantastic. I have had a growing passion this year towards cinema and this movie was joyous, it made me want to act and get involved with film so badly.
Today I just felt great. I called my Dad up for Fathers Day. We don't really have a relationship and I've been upset with him for a while, but I actually wanted to call him and we had a funny convo. Forgiveness and healing has taken place in this part of my life. More understanding that people are just doing the best they can with what they know. Accepting of myself, and the world more.
I have also noticed healing around my sexuality. Fears of being gay, and all kinds of negativity surfaced. I have been wrestling with this issue for a little while now and I feel more at ease with my desires. Even though I have yet to really experience a gay encounter, I definitely have bi tendencies.
This sub is truly magic. I'm just starting to feel this happiness, peace and love that I don't think I've ever really felt before.