Yesterday I was so excited I couldn't sleep, also yesterday was the first time in my life I didn't care at all about what others think about me (made feel very light), even if I'm watching lewd stuff on the phone haha, well it is the beginning so it's not perfect as the shame came back at night then I realized something today, I care so much about appearance that I'm able to dislike something or someone just because I don't consider it appealing and not only applies to aesthetics but to actions, if I consider the action to be seen as ugly I start feeling disgusted, so living not only caring if I have good appearance but if my actions are also appealing to myself, that's a hard way to live and didn't even realize until now, always criticizing everything but I want to put an end to that.
(01-31-2023, 09:13 AM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]Yesterday I was so excited I couldn't sleep, also yesterday was the first time in my life I didn't care at all about what others think about me (made feel very light), even if I'm watching lewd stuff on the phone haha, well it is the beginning so it's not perfect as the shame came back at night then I realized something today, I care so much about appearance that I'm able to dislike something or someone just because I don't consider it appealing and not only applies to aesthetics but to actions, if I consider the action to be seen as ugly I start feeling disgusted, so living not only caring if I have good appearance but if my actions are also appealing to myself, that's a hard way to live and didn't even realize until now, always criticizing everything but I want to put an end to that.
Wow. Powerful journey already. all the best and am so looking forward to reading the heck outta the OGSF 5.9G journals,as well looking forward in Feb to getting and running it myself. powerful stuff to say da least. all the best again !!
Sounds like good results, especially not caring what others think about you.
But I personally don't think there's anything wrong at all with not liking something or someones actions because it disgusts you. There's alot of talk that I guess partly comes from the spiritual communities of not having 'division' but personally I believe that as a man I have to know what I will tolerate and what I will not tolerate.
If you extend it to this overarching idea of 'tolerance' we see these days, it seems to almost be a virtue to talk about how tolerant you are, personally I don't think it is because there are some things and people I do not want anywhere near me. Whether these are untrustworthy people or dishonest or whatever.
I've also found very consistently that the people who preach tolerance are in reality by far the most intolerant people i've ever come across.
Also your physical body is an expression of yourself so there's nothing wrong with having a good appearance, and especially having your own actions be appealing to yourself.. that's exactly what I would call having self esteem as opposted to just letting yourself do absolutely anything with no morals or boundaries for yourself because of this also recent idea going around in society that everything should totally be unconstrained and a free for all.
I'm not saying be constrained by society programming or external pressure, but I mean something inside yourself that says "No I won't do that thing because it goes against my morals or beliefs".
(01-31-2023, 10:17 AM)ncbeareatingman Wrote: [ -> ] Wow. Powerful journey already. all the best and am so looking forward to reading the heck outta the OGSF 5.9G journals,as well looking forward in Feb to getting and running it myself. powerful stuff to say da least. all the best again !!
Thanks.
(01-31-2023, 03:54 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Sounds like good results, especially not caring what others think about you.
But I personally don't think there's anything wrong at all with not liking something or someones actions because it disgusts you. There's alot of talk that I guess partly comes from the spiritual communities of not having 'division' but personally I believe that as a man I have to know what I will tolerate and what I will not tolerate.
If you extend it to this overarching idea of 'tolerance' we see these days, it seems to almost be a virtue to talk about how tolerant you are, personally I don't think it is because there are some things and people I do not want anywhere near me. Whether these are untrustworthy people or dishonest or whatever.
I've also found very consistently that the people who preach tolerance are in reality by far the most intolerant people i've ever come across.
Also your physical body is an expression of yourself so there's nothing wrong with having a good appearance, and especially having your own actions be appealing to yourself.. that's exactly what I would call having self esteem as opposted to just letting yourself do absolutely anything with no morals or boundaries for yourself because of this also recent idea going around in society that everything should totally be unconstrained and a free for all.
I'm not saying be constrained by society programming or external pressure, but I mean something inside yourself that says "No I won't do that thing because it goes against my morals or beliefs".
I get what you're saying, but it goes beyond things like untrustworthy, even I wouldn't tolerate that or stick around people like that, what I meant was something more childlike or silly, as if there is a set of rules about how people should behave (but silly rules, nothing like toxic behavior that is a NO), something absurd like the way of walking or facial expressions, trying to explain it is already difficult, maybe related to the first years of life but that's the gist of it, that also applies to my behavior and somehow related to perfectionism.
I get it now, whenever something goes wrong I feel ashamed and guilty so my response is to try harder which doesn't make it better just put unnecessary strain in me, I don't remember setting life difficulty as very hard, well, I'm going to relax and not giving a damn about pretty much everything for the moment, even I want to forget about petty issues for some time.
Now this is where the fun begins, since 2 days ago whenever I attend business with society (which I dislike) my body feels weak, something like low blood pressure, it's not the first time but I can tell it is not as painful as before (before I felt pain in my left arm and chest as well) but now last longer and my left arm end up shivering, not only that but I get depressive at the end of the day... I want to become a cheesecake.
Maybe not or maybe yes, is always the same dealing with fear and now it combines shame and guilt.
I just remember today one of my emtional supports which is not a person but makes feel at ease.
I'm starting to understand, I was having troubles trying to accept me because I felt guilty (something as if I'm indebted to someone else for whatever reason and going against it will be like betraying them), in truth I enjoy so much being alone because is a pain to deal with people and their constant flow of stimulus, then the fear of loneliness comes from overprotecting parents, lot of shame and the problems that arises from it and guilt of course. I can also trace back most of the decisions I took way back based on those emotions.
No need to hold back now.
It's been so long since I felt the joy of living, eventhough the symptoms make me feel sick.
Lot of shit happened today, the kind of stuff that makes feel scared or ashamed or guilty and yet I'm able to not care at all, I'm still angry though but it could be worse.
I'm getting more and more free of guilt, even remembered some emotions I used to feel toward specific things that aren't considered appropriate for example that I enjoy violence, but not indiscriminate violence, something instinctual maybe, like getting more in touch with my inner beast which kills everything it can (or at least it feels that way and also my first thought is killing like in one dream when some people get into my house at night to perform some ritual and I just thought about killing them), that doesn't mean I'm willing to do that at mental level, maybe that's why I tried so hard to suppress that instinctual part of me but as Shannon explained before I'm already an adult and know better ways to deal with life so it's like I have a leash around the dog haha, I just hope I'm not breaking the rules talking about this.
Also I'm considering that my obsessive thoughts about me getting killed or something is a kind of punishment, I don't know exactly for what, maybe regret or shame.
If I didn't care that much about many things in my life now I don't care almost at all, I wish I had taken better decisions in the past not based on guilt and shame, now I will die from boredom for at least one year.