Whenever I'm going to sleep my emotional self comes in replacing my mental self (the pessimistic one) and yesterday out of nowhere I started to express my desires believing I'm able to do it and at the same time looks like I was trying to resist as well, I was feeling pain on the chest again, my left arm getting numb but surprisingly didn't care, it was like releasing my pent up emotions then the pain faded.
I can feel it, my lost motivation is coming back, is been ages since I felt this way like a kid filled with desires and hope.
My decisions were burdening me since forever because I stir from my way to another for satisfying others desires, it's not like I never knew what was the right choice, didn't make it real because I ate all that bullshit they threw at me believing it was true, now look at me following the other path with no hope living in misery, this is their so called "true"? that's stupid, I might be dead as well and there is no difference.
This time I will do it right, no more loyalty no more shame nor fear or guilt.
Today was quite a day, i remembered the fear i felt as a kid for going to the medic, then everything normal until some annoying people came to me for something work related but that shit was supposed to be done a week ago and now they throw it to me, i got pissed and treated them like shit, something i didn't do because of guilt and shame for exposing my anger but it got out natural with all my anger, then i just sent them to hell and not seeing them again, what a relief.
Next someone approached me for another work related stuff and i just felt happy, unlike the previous ones this time it went fine, but being noticed truly made me happy, for an invisible guy who is never noticed, the feeling was something i forgot long ago, now i'm starting to understand how it affects my life when i have it (being noticed) and how can change when i notice both myself and the environment.
I'm having glimpses of my childhood before everything went to hell, now I'm thinking I was a fool for letting my negative emotions to lead my life and always focus on that to no end, almost forgot the value of other things as well, symptoms are no longer giving me a hard time that often but i have to say that my nasal congestion got worse and that's weird by this time of the year, well at least i don't feel trapped inside of my self imposed limits.
Have to say, I've been more in contact with my inner child and I could feel the fear, lot of fear that i don't even understand how deep and strong it is, my emotional self is so frail and sensitive I get paralyzed no matter how much my mind tries to overcome it, then triggers whatever it can for feeling fearful again, this time made me remember the ghosts in my house (I just been told about that, looks like I can't see them but at least I heard sounds when being alone like someone sitting on the bed or breathing out of nowhere, well maybe i did saw shadows when it was kind of dark but whatever), then a poisonous bug appeared and I was thinking it was a sick joke this happened, I just interpreted it as killing it before something worse happens but related to my emotional self which is poisoned as hell but i felt guilt when doing so, maybe i feel that way whenever I try to overcome something, or maybe is pity? have lots to overcome.
(03-09-2023, 09:57 PM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ]Have to say, I've been more in contact with my inner child and I could feel the fear, lot of fear that i don't even understand how deep and strong it is, my emotional self is so frail and sensitive I get paralyzed no matter how much my mind tries to overcome it, then triggers whatever it can for feeling fearful again, this time made me remember the ghosts in my house (I just been told about that, looks like I can't see them but at least I heard sounds when being alone like someone sitting on the bed or breathing out of nowhere, well maybe i did saw shadows when it was kind of dark but whatever), then a poisonous bug appeared and I was thinking it was a sick joke this happened, I just interpreted it as killing it before something worse happens but related to my emotional self which is poisoned as hell but i felt guilt when doing so, maybe i feel that way whenever I try to overcome something, or maybe is pity? have lots to overcome.
That's one brave, honest post man. I assume it wasn't easy, so thank you for sharing it with us.
(03-11-2023, 06:12 AM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ] That's one brave, honest post man. I assume it wasn't easy, so thank you for sharing it with us.
Actually not, i can babble about many more things without shame haha but i don't want to write unnecessary stuff.
Here's one more, due to my loneliness i always wanted to interact a bit more with someone i get along well, then at some point in my life i try to get along with people which was useless because i was the only one striving to try to get along with others and i didn't receive shit so eventually i surrender and lost faith in humanity, like the person who desperately tries to help everyone but no one help in return, just like that i gave up on people and never again try to interact because is a waste of time, that longing still remain but not for long, i started to notice i care less about it and focus more in myself.
(03-11-2023, 06:40 AM)User_000 Wrote: [ -> ] (03-11-2023, 06:12 AM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ] That's one brave, honest post man. I assume it wasn't easy, so thank you for sharing it with us.
Actually not, i can babble about many more things without shame haha but i don't want to write unnecessary stuff.
That made me laugh. I truly get it
Since I have memory I never had any kind of real interest in women besides psysical attraction, that doesn't mean I can't interact with them but when it comes to whatever attraction I feel towards a women I just can't do it, my body stops, my brain stops, my consciousness stops and then I find myself thinking about how I can escape from talking to her, can't even write online, there is this force that stop me from doing so, I feel a bit fearful but most of it is shame, is like a deathtrap, if I speak to her I die and if not I feel ashamed of myself, a part of me wants to but then the fearful part just stop me.
I can only think back when as a kid women often humiliate me and I hope this doesn't break rules but I will say it regardless, I enjoy seeing them being humiliated and that doen't mean I like the idea of disrespecting them or treat them like shit, my emotional self just enjoy it whenever I see it, I'm pretty fucked up I know and won't deny those parts of myself, looks like fear had prevented me from committing atrocities in the past but now fear itself is like a jail that prevents me from improving myself and letting go of the past.
Shit, I still feel ashamed when exposing my tastes or the things I like, then I feel fear for unknown reason, I don't remember when it started but at some point I kept hidden everything about my personal life and getting mad when someone meddled, maybe was due to social rejection or rejection from my family, I don't remember at all, but then that means I kept everything to myself and always showing a mask without realizing, it feels as if I'm scared from exposing myself.
Yesterday I was feeling as if I had troubles for swallow, then I was feeling fatigated. I can tell is a symptom of resistance, after some time my attention was directed to something else and I stopped feeling it, then I woke up feeling my left hand tingling, the same had happened for some time a few times, some times the left hand or the right hand but always when using OFv4 or OGSF, maybe I'm trying to swallow what I couldn't before like some fear or shame, even now my throat feels weird.
I just realized how perfectionism is ruining my life, i always try to do perfect in everything i do but when it goes wrong i get mad, then keep trying and nothing changes but then i accept i can do nothing about it and lose whatever motivation i had for doing it, so if i'm doing something it has to be perfect or i lose the desire if i know i can't, most likely my depression could be product of that frustration (i already knew that but need to remind it sometimes), now without that drive i just can't see myself doing something or even trying, i will just say FUCK MYSELF i'm going to do a mess and get so mad because i can't control anything until i can't even stand up.
I no longer feel the urge from perfectionism, I still have the habit of trying to do it perfectly though but I just don't care anymore if it is done right or not, kind of weird after many years.