Recently my mind comes up with thoughts about my social isolation, some part of me wants to interact with people but when it happens I dislike it, even ended up watching how human contact affects the body and brain on youtube which reminds me that I also dislike that (maybe because I got tired from getting touched by my parents all time or because in childhood there was a dick head messing with me or even because I injured myself when playing with cousins or maybe all of them, most of them bad experiences) but anyway. Right now I'm dealing with the belief of "external reality is first and more important than me" so here I am trying to connect with my own existence or whatever is called at the deepest levels whatever that is, let's see if guilt and shame can stop me this time (SPOILER: they can't) also I'm starting to lose interest in external validation.
Interesting how my subconscious seems to get bothered by loneliness and getting depressed over it, but more interesting how I get more in conflict with people, whatever, I'm not indebted to them and my way is definitively other so I won't bother myself feeling guilt or shame, in fact I should have done this years earlier but even if I had done so I still don't have a correct answer or something I'm satisfied with.
Edit: my bad, the true interesting issue is how my subconscious gets scared whenever I disagree with others's ideas, as if I'm a kid, guess there's more of it but it will be very interesting breaking free from that.
Tonight I had the worst dream I ever had, a mix of fear and guilt to it's highest with lots of blood, that's all I'm going to say about that, strange how the past week I was waking up tired but this time eventhough I woke up earlier I'm feeling just fine, looks like traumas are getting out.
Perfectionism fucking again, who I'm trying to please so bad or is because I'm scared but for what, fucking obsession I'm starting to get angry again, fuck everything.
You're going to find (if you don't already know this) that perfectionism stems from insecurity, which is based in fear. As you are being worked through the things OGSF does, it may get a "rise" out of this part of you or that part, and the reflex response may be a small flare up of whatever is being dealt with.
How are your conscious levels of guilt, shame and fear while running this program?
(02-22-2023, 10:23 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You're going to find (if you don't already know this) that perfectionism stems from insecurity, which is based in fear. As you are being worked through the things OGSF does, it may get a "rise" out of this part of you or that part, and the reflex response may be a small flare up of whatever is being dealt with.
How are your conscious levels of guilt, shame and fear while running this program?
Depends of my mood or situation, fear arises a bit when symptoms such as low blood pressure appear, shame when I'm surrounded by people and guilt almost never unless when I remember something that makes me feel it, then there are times when I feel hatred towards life and don't even care about those three or as yesterday when I felt like a joyful kid (which is pretty rare) and didn't care about guilt, shame or fear because of the excitement. But most of the time when I'm alone I almost don't feel them.
Yesterday I started with masked to see what happens, I don't feel my anxiety bursting out of my chest but symptoms are still arising, hell, yesterday I was feeling as with low blood pressure before falling asleep and kind of feel it right now, then I woke up after having dreams about my teenage years to discover my throat was aching like when is hard to swallow, maybe hybrid wasn't that bad but need to test a few more days.
I'm starting to think there is some true to that stuff about family clan thing or whatever, my symptoms are getting stronger and I'm trying to feel them withut getting it worse but this time as I was spending some time with my family my father was feeling very sleepy while I was feeling like shit, almost couldn't breath and my dizziness didn't help, now, doesn't looks like there is a link between both until I remember my father's main problems are strong headaches and some time I heard once he got so anxious that he seemed to have problems breathing (also he has sleep apnea), to get to the point I also been experiencing some light headaches some time ago and also felt them when I started feeling like shit, to get some more our father and son relation is improving so it can be said we have a stronger bond, now I'm thinking if that is caused by my influence while executing OGSF, didn't happen before but I was feeling worse than usual, it reminded me of my OFv3 experience.
Didn't get the best specifics from my parents it seems, breathing from my father and sensitive stomach from my mother (which is the reason I pass out whenever I have an anxiety attack), if life is that well made then I was born as a reflect from the shadow they wanted to keep hidden. I'm just a mess of human being. Is hillarious how I wasn't supposed to born by wild means due to getting tangled up with the umbilical cord, I should go to thank the medic in charge as well for such a good job, and I mean it.
I'm starting to stop feeling the urge to do everything perfect, I still get mad though but at least is tolerable.
i just learned the pain I feel around my chest is similar to neuropathic pain, fuck my subconscious truly knows how to make me suffer, I know is due to executing the script since it get worse when I use OGSF, also is trying to trigger fear on me (again), well maybe is another symptom on my right ear which hurts at times then fear tries to come in and I start thinking I'm getting deaf (again).
Back to hybrid since I feel more pain with masked, also my stomach suffers more.
Yesterday I realized how unworthy I feel towards having a good life or benefits (also get mad about it), looks like guilt have something to do, on the other hand is becoming more common for me to feel pain on my left arm, stomach muscles and head whenever I'm stressed.
Not feeling motivated at all.
I just lived quite the experience of internal resistance, as I stated on another thread I'm a repellent for human beings and also the avoidant type of person who prefers to hide from the world for whatever reason I can't yet comprehend, possibly fear or something else, I mean I don't feel hatred out of nowhere there should be a reason behind, maybe too complex for me to even start to understand, then I have my lack or self worth and more which says "i shouldn't had born" without second thoughts or that's what I thought in my birthday, now that's shit, I'm willing to live in misery because that's how I always felt about my life, something worthless and just like that everything else seems worthless to me, then fear prevents me from killing myself and never try again, a truly sad life befitting myself but more than anything "empty", the fact I can write this but hesitate to say I have a happy life makes it obvious, the worst is that I already accept it as normal so I'm not even trying, I can't even pity myself because is normal for me and feel as if I deserve it, so it could be said my life was invalidated before I knew it yet I refuse to live that way but lack the drive to overcome my self limiting shitty self, yet I just accept it as if i can't do anything about it.
I'm not feeling sad or mad writting about this because is normal for me and yet I hate it, my life with everything else and myself, even stuff like astral cards or whatever confirms how fucked up I am, doesn't surprise me but anyway.
The experience I had was that I run into the girl who picked my interest but walk away just as I do with anybody else, then my chest was hurting, I was feeling tired and my stomach was also having a hard time, pretty intense if I say so so that led me to thinking about the above more than usual, no one can help me with this except me, need to overcome my own hell even if it is impossible.
I see, perfectionism is doing it again, what I hate is the fact I feel worthless from being unable to overcome my problems in one day, now that's making sense with lot of stuff, I learned from my family to be hasty and this is the consequence plus all individualistic brainwash from society (blindly believing everything is possible the way I want, now that's hillarious), very well then, now I can try other type of approach.
Do you see OGSF helping to make progress?
(03-03-2023, 10:05 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Do you see OGSF helping to make progress?
Of course, apart from fear there was probably lots of guilt and shame for not following other people's rhythm, if I recall OGSF has some modules to develop or improve self esteem and more, this is a big shift but I still need to get used to my own rhythm, it makes even more sense now why my life was crumbling the more I got older and maybe can explain my epilepsy as well apart from messing around with binaural waves for years.
I have used these programs for a while so I can tell when they are useful, besides I'm kind of lazy when it comes to conscious approaches, in short, these programs are amazing.